Josh's parents arrived, they was in the same mind set as I was. It a freak accident, all I could do was sit there and stare at the white tarp over his body.
I went into full blown shock! I don't know what was going on around me, It was almost like I lost my hearing.
Once the coroner got there we got into Josh's moms truck and went back to her house.
Once we got there everybody was sitting outside talking, all I could do was stare at the ground I never felt a feeling like this before. I've lost loved ones before but never in such a traumatic way like this.
I've never seen someone die before, this person was someone I shared my life with, someone I was starting a future with. I was hurt so bad that I didn't care to talk to anyone, the scene replayed in my head over and over.
Seeing him go up on that hood kept flashing across my mind. I went inside to charge my phone and to try to get some rest, at least if I pretend I'm resting everyone will leave me alone.
My phone was finally charged enough for me to call someone, the only person I could think of was my brother. I lost contact with him and my sisters over time, they was battling their own demons and we walked different paths in life.
I found my brother on social media and called him. "I really really need someone right now" I said to him when he answered tears started flowing as I said those words.
I told him what happened, he was in shock said "I know we haven't been as close as we once was but Breann I'm here for you whenever you need me don't hesitate to call me!" All I could do was cry and he listened to me, I'm very thankful for my brother he helped me by just listening to me cry, I know that sounds weird but those little things make a huge difference.
We hung up the phone and I sat there staring at the ceiling feeling out of place, I just wanted to be alone.
I slept two hours that night, when I woke it was bright and there was people talking loud in the kitchen, kids was running into the living room to see if I was awake yet, to their surprise I was already sitting up. I was still in a daze not being able to think, the tears started flowing again but this time I got up and went to take a shower so I could cry without everyone seeing.
I stood in the shower crying under the water, Josh's mom knocked on the door and asked "you alright in there?" I didn't answer right away so she knocked again and said "if I have to be strong in front of everyone so can you" when I heard her say that I washed up and got dressed.
I asked one the women there to braid my hair for me in a French style braid, while she was braiding my hair i started trying to remember if I even washed my hair.
My mind was a horrible place, we had to go to the funeral home where they move Josh's body, once we arrived it was Josh's mom and dad, his two brothers and their wives, we all walked in and waited a few minutes. I felt like I was going to throw up, my nerves was shot, felt like it was taking years for just a few minutes to pass when finally the doors opened and we was let in the room where Josh's body laid on a table.
His eyes was open looking the same direction they was when he was laying on the street looking at me, he was still in the same clothes that he wore the last time I seen him alive, my heart was ripped out of my chest once again seeing him like that.
I had to step out of the room and into the hall to catch my breath. His sister in law never liked me and I could feel her glares in my direction but I didn't care. Josh was always annoyed by her so knowing how he felt I could care less about what she had to say.
When we went back to Josh's moms, I decided to call my ex husband to tell him what happened and to get him to come get the girls and take them to his moms house, I couldn't take care of myself much less two kids. They didn't deserve that, they needed someone there that could take care of them.
He straightened his life up and didn't have the same people around him and I trusted him and his mom to take care of the girls.
When they left I hugged them and kissed them "be good for your dad, momma loves you both!"
I went back inside and I could feel eyes on me, some was blaming me for the death but I was so out of it that I wasn't paying attention. I needed some of my clothes and everything was at Josh's house. My suv was at Josh's so when his brother dropped of Josh's car I had to drive it to Josh's, when I sat in his car I could smell him.
I sat there taking in the smell crying again asking "why?" Once I regained somewhat control over the tears I started the car and drove to his house.
Once I got inside the emptiness was haunting, looking around at our life what it was, the small things like the plant he bought me, seeing how it was still alive thinking of when he bought it he jokingly said "this will be dead in a week"
But yet it's right on the counter still alive.
I walked to our room that looked untouched from the night before, feeling like it had been years since I was last in that room. The bed had a few shirts on it from where I was trying to find the right shirt to wear, thinking about the last kiss we shared in that room before we left the house.
I laid on the bed taking in the smell of everything, when I sat up I knew I needed to get what I came for and head back so I sat down on the floor in front of the closet, I seen the dirty shirt Josh wore the night before and I picked it up to smell him, that's when I lost it.
I started screaming "THIS ISN'T FAIR!!" "WHY??" I was finally alone, my emotions just pour out onto that floors "I'm not strong enough for this"
