That night I couldn't sleep, my anxiety was really high. I laid in bed just crying and wishing it was all just a dream that I would wake up from.
The morning came to soon, when I got up I heard everyone in the living room getting ready for the funeral. Once I was dressed we all got in the suv and went to the funeral home where they had the ceremony the night before, today was the day things will be set in stone.
We walked in and I seen Josh's mom sitting by his dad on the front row where they wanted me and my kids to sit. Looking around the room my heart ached, seeing how much he made a impact on everyone here was just heart warming.
Once the ceremony was over we went to the graveyard where he was laid to rest, I felt so lost as if I didn't fit in there. while I was standing in a crowd of people I was alone, isolated in my own mind.
As everyone started walking to their vehicles to go to Josh's mom i hesitated at first because I knew there was going to be a lot of people there, that's the last thing I want to do. Be around people I don't know, to be social as if I didn't just watch my love be killed and laid to rest.
As i expected the house and yard was full of people. I sighed to myself and looked around at many laughing and having a good time. I could help myself from feeling angry at the sight, it was wrong of me to feel that way, deep down I knew it was wrong but I was still angry.
Wanting to escape I went to the bathroom and sat on the floor crying when I heard Josh's mom "Breann come out here!"
Not wanting to be a downer I was hiding to cry in peace but she wouldn't leave me alone. I started tearing up and crying outside in front of some when I was suddenly pulled inside by Josh's sister in law "I know you cared deeply about Josh but can you at least pull yourself together and stop bringing everyone down!" She said
I was took back a moment, confused on why she was coming to me like this "I tried to hide but I keep being pulled out of the bathroom when I do!" I snapped "we all cared about him, we just want to focus on the good times" she replied
"Well the next time I go missing and you hear his mom looking for me stop her!" I said before walking away furiously. When I went outside I spotted some my old friends and they was about to make a trip to the store for some alcohol, "can I ride with y'all? I need to get away for a few minutes." Once we was in the car I let out a sigh of relief. "Thank y'all" it was almost like they made an excuse for me to get away, knowing I was not ok.
On the way back we went by the graveyard, looking at the fresh laid dirt I sat next to it and cried. In that moment that's all I wanted to do was to just be near him in peace, my friends just sat in silence with me "we can go back whenever you are ready, you need this, you need to let it all out"
Just when we thought we was alone I see my momma pulling up to the grave. Concern filled look in her eyes, she walked up to me and said "you need to snap out of it, you have two girls looking up to you right now! You need to get yourself together"
Hearing that I just wanted to run far away, I know she is right but how can I be the mom they deserve right now?
When we went back to Josh's moms house I just sat down alone trying to eat something, looking around at everyone with no expressions on my face as if I was looking straight through everyone around.
The void in my heart was there, the only emotion I could feel was sadness. I was numb to everything else, a pain in my chest that wouldn't go away.
Once it was over I went back to my friends house only this time I had my girls. Having them around will make things better for me. I didn't feel so alone with them, we all climbed in bed to get some rest but these days I didn't know what rest was. Laying in the dark not being able to sleep again, I checked my social media only to see everyone posting their memories with him. So I made a post "as I lay here not being able to sleep all I can think about is you, I miss you so much, you was my rock, we had so many plans for the future and now I'm left with a broken heart and memories of you, I will love you until the day I die".
I closed my phone and laid there until I seen the sun coming up, we was in a neighborhood that had the cemetery that he was buried at inside the neighborhood, I got out of bed not wanting to wake my girls up, I grabbed a blanket and I walked to the graveyard, cutting through the woods and jumping a fence I made it there. Where I laid next to his grave, I didn't know how long I had been there nor did I care I just laid in silence staring at the fresh dirt knowing he was below gave me some closeness to him.
I wanted to make it back before the girls woke up so I got to my feet kissing my fingers and placing it on the dirt I turned to walk away, once I jumped the fence I seen a truck coming, realizing it was my moms truck as it came to a stop the door flew open and she said "hop in stranger" with a hint of a smile on her face.
We drove back to my friends house and she pulled me aside and told me "we need to have a serious talk"
Holding my breath I didn't want to be told "get you life in order" again but I knew she was only doing this because she loved me.
