I laid on the floor feeling defeated by life itself, my phone started ringing, I looked to see who it was and it was my mom. I tried to call her a few times during the night before to tell her what happened but she was asleep.
I picked up the phone "momma Josh is dead!" I cried "WHAT?! how? What happened?" She replied then I went into detail of the night before and she started crying with me "I'm coming home to be there for you. Give me a few hours and I'll be there!"
Hearing her made me feel somewhat better but I was still did inside. I grabbed what I needed, gave the house one more look and I drove back to Josh's moms and was picked up by my friend to get away from people that was wanting to put the blame on me for something that was out of my control.
I wanted it all to just be a bad dream that I would wake up from, in the blink of an eye my world was turned upside down.
Once my mom got in town she came to me and I could see it in her face, she felt helpless not knowing how to fix me or help me so she was just there for me.
The next day, I didn't sleep much that night, maybe a hour due to the nightmares of the accident. My mom came to bring me to go shopping for a dress to wear for his funeral, on the way she stopped by the store and I got her to buy me a beer to drink to calm my nerves before dealing with people in public. (I know not the best solution but hey it helped) or so I thought it did.
We got to the mall and I was already wanting to leave the second we walked in. We found the dresses, I really wasn't looking at them just finding my size and grabbing. I went to the fitting room, the first dress looked hideous, the second dress didn't fit me right once I took it off I mumbled to myself "this last one better look decent! Im not trying on anymore!"
To my surprise it fit me good, it was quite beautiful as I looked in the mirror at myself I couldn't recognize my face. My eyes was reddened and swollen, normally I wore makeup but I had no urge to put any on.
The dress didn't match my face, it looked beautiful on but my face looked horrible, it was knee length the color was tan with black lace, it fit as it I had it tailored just for me.
Once we checked out we went to the shoe store to find some heels to match. We got what I needed and went back to help Josh's mom clean her house because family was coming in from out of town. When we got there I was drunk and Josh's mom was upset by the site of me so I left and went down the road to my friends while my mom stayed back to help Josh's mom.
Being drunk made me feel numb, it was not what I needed to turn to but in that moment I didn't care.
My body felt weak from lack of sleep, I know if I fall asleep I'll dream of what happened. I'm already thinking about it constantly, even loud noises would frighten me and send me into a panic.
Later that night my mom picked my girls up and brought them back to my grandmas house but on the way she stopped where I was at. This is something that I regret deeply, I was still drunk and I didn't want my kids to see me in that state of mind so I refused to go around my kids and my grandmother like that. I didn't want to disappoint them, my mom got mad at me for pushing my loved ones away. It wasn't me, I wasn't myself, this person that I am now is a stranger.
The next day was the ceremony at the funeral home, so many people showed up, his friends and family, 250 people was there to show their respect.
I had my mom and my girls with me and my friends to help me stay somewhat strong. When I got to his casket he was wearing his black suit that he adored, when I looked at his hands one was still curled in the way it was when he was holding my hand on the road before he died.
"This is the hardest thing to do" I whispered as tear fell.
There was a line of people waiting to say goodbye so I walked outside to get some fresh air and seen my friends standing around making small talk so I blended into the crowd. I felt a tap on my shoulder when I turned around I seen one of my old friends standing there.
I was shocked to see him there, it was the first time I seen him in years. Josh was training him to be a welder at the shipyard so he came to show his respect.
The concern on his face was undeniable "hey Breann! You don't look to good, are you going to be ok?" He said as he hugged me but i didn't know how to be ok, I shook my head and tears flowed "you know if you need help, there are therapist that you can talk to that can help you work through all this that you are feeling" i nodded "thank you for your concern! I'll look into that" I could see he was deeply worried about me and I appreciated him being there in that moment.
This was just a ceremony for everyone to come out to say their goodbyes and see him for the last time. The next day was the day of the funeral, we all went back to get some rest so we could get up and get dressed and get it over with. This was the hardest day, it made the whole situation feel like it was really happening. The love of my life was really gone, I can't breathe, my throat felt tight, my anxiety was sky high.
How will I get through this? when all I want to do is die...
