I wore the bracelet that Josh had on when he died, this bracelet was one of his favorites. When I was working one day I had to clean up a mess so I put on some gloves, when I went to take the gloves off in a rush the bracelet slipped off and went into the trash.
I didn't realize what happened until I slowed down and felt my wrist, panic set in. I started digging in the trash only to see that the janitors had already changed the trash and took the old trash to the dumpster.
I ran outside to check it to see if I could find it, I dug in all this trash only to find out someone had had crushed all the earlier trash down and there was no way I could get it back.
That day was a set back to my healing process, I got off work and the only place I wanted to go was to his grave.
Once I got there I laid down on the ground beside his grave and started crying, I felt as if I lost him again.
The one thing I had left of him I lost, not being cautious I lost the one thing I held onto, even after his family tried to take it from me I lost it.
"I'm so sorry" I whispered as I laid there a orange butterfly landed on my arm taking me by surprise, I felt comfort in the presence of the butterfly as if it was sent there to me in that moment of sadness.
I got up when the rain started and got into my car, I decided to drive to a friends house one I thought was my friend but that day instead of her being there for me she made a comment towards me "I don't know why you're so upset over his bracelet when you've moved on already! Why don't you go cry to somebody else"
I should of known right then that she was not my friend anymore, but I had hope that she would be there for me still, but these days it seemed like I was on my own.
My babysitter Liza was young but she understood me better than most of my friends I had for years. I went to her house and it started to feel as if it was my second home, they treated me with no judgment there.
It was the one place I had to run to, I was scared that I would slip back into my darkness, but with the new friends I had now there was no way I could go back to that place.
Days went by and I realized Josh was still in my heart I didn't need a bracelet to prove that I had his memories that I carried with me.
It's time for a fresh start again, seemed like that's all I was doing lately, starting over again and again.
But one of these times I will move forward and not have anymore setbacks but that's not a realistic thought. There will always be setbacks in life, it's how we handle them in the process and how long we dwell on the setbacks.
No one cares about your setbacks and some pray for you to fall. You have to move on and prove to yourself that you can overcome anything life throws at you.
In the meantime i started to stay away from the people that didn't add peace to my life. I started doing what made me happy and having the freedom in my life gave me independence, something I never truly had before, I loved that about myself now I didn't depend on anyone but myself.
Some weekends I didn't have my girls I would go out with my friends and let go of any negativity that surrounded me and dance the night away, I wasn't worried about men or meeting anyone I just wanted to enjoy what life I had left.
Seeing first hand how short life can be I want to live again, when I had my girls and had time I would go to the beach or river soaking in the sun and hearing the laughter of my girls gave me a sense of peace.
I know Josh is smiling down on me, a part of me will always miss him, i locked him deep into my heart and no one will ever replace that.
Going to Liza's was one of the highlights of my days, I had someone I could talk to, someone that didn't make me feel less of a person for the things I was doing in my life that bettered myself.
We would goof off with the girls, feeling carefree around her and her sister I could be myself without being judged.
They became more than friends, they became my new family.
I will always be grateful for the ones that stuck beside me in the times I needed. I started smiling more and laughing more, I became the mom my girls needed again.
I was still numb to romantic emotions so I didn't have the need to go out and find someone to fill that void, that void will be there forever.
It was like I died that day too, but I was reborn at the same time. This new me had strength the old me never had.
So much trauma over time built me into a woman of steel.
