After that day life ok, the harassment stopped completely. I could go in town without having someone to pester me in the process.
I didn't want things to get to that point, I'm just glad it's over.
Few weeks passed things was on the right track again but I struggled a lot with myself, I have bad trust issues and it ruins everything.
Maybe it was because I never had a real father figure as a child, or maybe from my past relationships. I don't want to give someone the chance to hurt me again, if I let my walls down and let someone in that means they can hurt me.
It's not a healthy thought but I have so much scar tissue on my heart and mind that I don't want to hurt anymore. Losing Josh was like losing my heart all together, i still love people but apart of me is gone.
Trusting people made me feel vulnerable in a way, I had my insecurities again they came back, I don't understand my mind sometimes.
When I'm single I don't care about anyone in a passionate way, when I'm with someone it's like I know there is a chance I will be hurt so I'm looking out for any mistake they will make.
I fear that pain because my heart has had so much pain in it already,
Every man in my life so far has hurt me, my brothers friends are the reason I lost my virginity when I was 15 I was took advantage of. These things all add up over time, my father blamed me the next day when I told my momma, I never had that feeling of security.
I guess you could say I have major daddy issues, I often wonder if I didn't have so much chaos in my life growing up, how would I be now?
All these things happened to me for a reason, I'm now a stronger person and I can handle what life throws at me easier than someone who had a normal life growing up.
I don't want to have these trust issues. I want to feel stress free, I want to feel secure with myself all the time.
I guess that is part of living with depression and anxiety, I'm anxious and it makes me question everything, my mind fights itself every waking moment of the day.
People that don't have these problems are truly blessed, it annoys me when I hear others question me about "what do I have to be depressed about?"when they don't know anything about what it's like to deal with these emotions. It's an illness that sucks the life out of you, it's hard to even want to get up and take a shower sometimes.
I'm depressed because I want to get out and go do something instead of being stuck in a house but going out makes me anxious.
Things like that is a constant battle, to normal people they think it's just silly but to people that deal with mental illnesses it's a big issue.
Maybe one day I will be normal, for now this is my normal unfortunately.
I want to reach out to others that go through these things and let people know it's ok to not be ok sometimes, those words repeat in my head daily and I'm still trying to live by it.
It's not something that's gonna go away on it's own. When others try to look down on you for struggling or your house gets messy because you gave up for a week or two because you don't have the mental capacity to do anything, just know they're not truly there to support you and there is people out there that will be the best support people you'll ever have in your life.
Don't be a people pleaser, I have to tell myself these things constantly. It will leave you empty inside if they are just using you, most people only look out for themselves.
This is just a chapter in your life, these feelings will pass. Life is a crazy roller coaster ride living with mental illnesses, will you be the person that's fearless in the front row with your arms reaching the sky? Or will you be the person that's in the back shaking with fear?
We only have this one life to live it's time i take back my life and try to overcome what stops me from being the best version of myself I can be, if not for me than I'll do it for my girls.
I tried different medications for it but I don't like taking them, I want to have the willpower to overcome this myself.
It's not easy and I stumbled right now more than I walk, I will run one day and nothing will be in my way...
