To Find What is Lost

Chapter 33: Coward

Hi! So the above picture is Hermione's blueprint, it's not very good or anything and I totally should have scanned it into the computer but the scanner was too small so I would've had to do it in two parts and then I didn't know how to run the thing and in the end a picture was just easier. As I said it's in no way perfect, I doodled it myself (the runes took FOREVER), but I just wanted to give a general impression of what it would be like. On another note I've been receiving a few complaints and just wanted to be sure you all know this story is not in any way attempting to be professional, it's as of yet completely unedited and this is my first ever fanfic and battle-scene too so I'll definitely have to go back through it after I've finished, basically just sorry for any little mistakes, love u all -Emmi

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Hermione POV:

Hermione ran all the way back to her dorm, and when she finally got there she slumped into a panting mess. Lavender and Parvati were somewhere else, most likely trying on clothes for the ball, so Hermione had the room to herself.

She was thankful for the privacy, because finally her project was coming together. Finally, after so long. Hermione had been pouring her very heart and soul into this project for months. She had given so much; her grades, her free time, even her relationships with Harry and the rest of her friends. They resented the fact that she never had time for them anymore, and eventually they had stopped trying to spend time with her at all. She was still technically part of the golden trio, except Harry and Ron weren't speaking and she never saw Harry anymore. Everyone knew it, but nobody wanted to admit that the golden trio had fallen apart. Harry even had new friends, adoring fans who would do and say anything to stay in his favour; seeing them made Hermione sick. Thinking of Harry formed a lump in her throat, but she shook it away and set on her determined face.

She had given everything, and now maybe, just maybe, it would all be worth it.

She thought of Ron, the way he used to love eating and playing Quidditch, the way he used to laugh before everything happened. He was trying, he really was; he laughed now, but it was a hollow laugh. Hermione could still see that behind his eyes he was broken.

"You can do this," she whispered. "You can help him."

The fact that Percy might not be findable at all hurt too much to think about. If the thought ever crossed her mind she would shake it away.

"He's out there somewhere." she whispered. "You can find him, you can save him. He's not dead."

Everyone said she was being unreasonable, and even though that horrid logical part of her told her it was true she refused to listen to it. Hermione Granger never acted illogically. Did she?

No, she had a reason. A reason she dared not share with anybody. If anybody found out, they'd want an explanation. An explanation she could not bear to give.

She was selfish.

Everybody thought she was doing this for Ron, everybody thought she was being selfless. She gave a bitter laugh. Selflessness. That was something the old Hermione would have loved, before the war, before everything tore her apart.

*** Flashback

The battle was raging, all around Hermione voices screamed and curses flew. Rubble covered the floor and the halls were filled with the sounds of fighting. A jet of green light flew past her ear and her heart pounded in her chest.

"Protego!"

"Stupefy!"

"Bombarda!"

Ginny's body fell across her path, and without hesitation she sent a curse at the DeathEater her friend had been duelling with, hitting him in the chest. He crumpled to the ground.

"Thanks," Ginny gasped as she rolled out of the way of yet another curse and sent one in return, hitting her target on the leg and leaving him writhing in pain.

As much as Hermione hated to leave Ginny on her own, others needed her help. With a "Watch out!" directed at Lupin next to her, she raced off to help Luna who was only just holding her ground, battling Avery and Dolohov at the same time.

Leaping over rubble and bodies toward the entrance hall where the main battle raged, Hermione saw to her amusement that just when she reached spell-distance of the Death Eaters the blonde Ravenclaw let out a terrible shriek. For a moment Hermione thought she had been hit, then she saw the wave of... something... escaping Luna's wand and she realised it was a spell.

Both the cloaked figures let out shrieks not unlike the one Luna had issued to send the spell at them, waving their arms in the air as if to fend off bugs.

"A Nargle Wave." she explained to Hermione's surprised look.

Stifling a laugh, the brunette moved on, shooting at whatever target she could find.

She was moving toward the great door when she saw him, dishevelled and spattered with blood.

Percy.

He was running from the hall, not bothering to fight, only trying to escape. Hermione sneered.

"Always a coward," she muttered under her breath as she dodged past Kingsley (duelling Bellatrix).

She ran after him, and caught him before he could escape the entrance hall.

"Where are you going?" she asked angrily. "I don't know if you've noticed but we're in a bit of trouble here! We need every fighter we can get!"

Percy looked at her, his face looked desolate, his eyes devastated.

"I need to go," he said quietly. "I'll only make it worse."

"What are you talking about? How could you possibly make it worse! We're in the middle of a battle!"

"Please." he groaned. "Let me go."

Finally she gave a disgusted snort. "Fine, go then. You're a coward you know that? A coward!"

And with that she turned and strode into the hall, already dodging curses and flinging spells.

*** End of flashback

Hermione put her head in her hands, a low sob filling her. She knew it wasn't all her fault, she knew she wasn't fully to blame; yet when she saw Fred's dead body in the great hall, when she heard the whole story she went crazy with guilt. She could have stopped him, she could have done something! She had to make up for it. She had to, or it would haunt her nightmares forever. She already couldn't sleep without seeing his face, hearing her words to him.

"Coward!"

The word rang in her head.

"Coward."

Selfish. Whispered a small part of her brain. Selfish. You aren't doing it for Ron. You're doing it for yourself. You just can't handle the guilt.

"Shut up." she whispered to herself angrily, shaking her head and forcing the lump from her throat.

"Now's not the time to be emotional."

So she worked. She worked to drown out her mind and her emotions, after everything, she was almost finished. The last pencil line fell into place and she drew a deep breath. She stared down at the huge sheet and felt almost like crying, she was so emotional these days. The only thing left was... a place to try it out.