Logan's Version

Logan's Version (scene 1) - Pilot's Version

(Scene opens with Zoey & 7 year old Michael sitting on the living room couch, watching TV and eating meat pies. Logan's one hit wonder comedy show is on air)
Zoey: (watching TV with Michael) U did not tell me ur teacher, Logan, was comedy gifted. He must've made u laugh when he was ur teacher
Michael: (cuts in) He did; he made us laugh at how awful his jokes were. I mean, why will u tell Justin Bieber that u were "just in time" for his concert tour? Are u trying to get canceled (laugh track)
Zoey: (repeats the unintentional pun he just said) tour? canceled? Justin? (shrugs) U r right; that joke is so 2 years ago (takes her phone, whispers), which is why I'm telling Ada how hilarious it sounds (laugh track)
Logan: (on TV) I used to work as a teacher in a kindergarten. Of course, children are adorable; always making us smile. I'm actually babysitting one of them, Michael, smart, funny, and has a big heart. But let's be honest, that boy makes me take a Panadol pill every single day. It's almost like I'm taking morning-after pills (audience laughs)
Michael: I can not believe he would say such a thing. It's not even funny
Zoey: (laughing) Right? And I have to buy them every time I stop by the house (sees Michael sulking). u know it's true
Michael: Fine, but that's the only issue here
Logan: (continues) And he thinks he's good at word play. One time, he said, "Teacher Logan, u look incredible today." And I say, "Thank u, Michael. What do u want?" (slight laughter from the audience) And he shows me his coloring work and asks, "Please, change the credit (C) to a better grade (A)". But I tell him, "Nah, that's an "incredible" look on ur test, and u got the perfect "credit" for ur work" (audience actually laughs)
Zoey: (chuckles) Credit & Incredible? U obviously got the jokes from him, and u said he wasn't funny? (Michael frowns, sulking angrily, while Zoey laughs heartily. Michael goes to the kitchen to take some food)
Logan: (enters the room) I see u guys are watching the comedy special (smiles at Michael). Hey, big guy
Michael: (holding a plate of rice, glares at Logan) Hello, William (Zoey sips tea, which came from nowhere)
Zoey: (grins) This gonna be good (laugh track)
Logan: William? U never call me by my full name unless u did something
Michael: YOU did something. U told those people bad jokes about me
Logan: They're not bad. They're true, and it's the only funny thing in my head. Your class was a full house
Michael: Full house?! We're in an actual house, stop the word play, and make more room for better jokes (laugh track)
Zoey: (stares at Michael) Like teacher, like student. U made the exact same joke like ur teacher
Michael: But I'm a child, it's funnier when I say it (laugh track). It's a dad joke when u say it
Logan: I look at least 16
Michael: Which makes it worse (laugh track) Please, don't tell any teacher - children jokes again, please (sulks)
Logan: (exhales) But no other joke is funny, I mean, listen. (clears throat) Children, right? (laugh track, despite dead silence between Zoey & Michael, who are unmoved by whatever he just said)
Zoey: Another child joke? Logan, Michael is BOILING!
Logan: (scoffs) And? He's not the only one with childhood trauma (quiet laugh track)
Zoey: What? Are u serious?!
Michael: (widens eyes) Childhood Trauma?! Is that your idea of dark humor! (laugh track)
Logan: (realizes) I'm sorry, I got boy problems, OK?
Michael: Boy problems?! BOY PROBLEMS! BOY, what IS your problem?!!! (laugh track)
Logan: (palms his face) I'm sorry, I stooped so low
Michael: (looks up in anger) Low? (twitches eye) U just said I'm so low?
Logan: (innocently amused) That's the name of my other show, Logan's So Lo Version. How did u even know about it?
Michael: (yells lightly) I can't take it anymore! Thanks to u, I've got childhood issues (storms off, amidst laugh track)
Logan: (confused) What is his problem? Little guy is blowing small matters out of proportion
Zoey: (glares) Small? Little? U must have had a really bad childhood to still make those "young" crappy jokes
Logan: U just made up one
Zoey: (stands up) Cuz I'm the cool friend. if we reverse conversations, ur readers and viewers will simply scroll past this on their phones (laugh track)
Logan: Where r u going?
Zoey: I have to go for a wedding, I heard there's gon' be lots of refreshments
Logan: Can I come with Michael? I'm not on set or anything today
Zoey: (hesitates, replies with high pitch) Yeah, sure (Logan notices the high pitch, but is interrupted before he can respond) MICHAEL! We're going out!
Michael: Already dressed (walks in wearing a blue T-shirt and black trousers and wearing blue Crocs on his feet, while holding a blue envelope) U almost forgot this in the room
Zoey: Thanks, Michael
Logan: That was fast; How did u get into the jeans so quickly?
Michael: (chuckles) I'm not a child, teacher. Come on (opens the door to leave (laugh track))
Logan: (whispers to Zoey) He's like 8 -
Zoey: (cuts in) Logan, we do not need him calling u by ur actual name again, or we'll be in hot stew at the wedding - literally (laugh track); it's his moment, let him have it.
Logan: (understands) Fine, but hot stew isn't so bad. I got two coolers in the car (walks off quickly)
Zoey: (horrified) What? WILLIAM! Don't u dare do the Logan thing when we get there!! (rushes to catch up with them, before closing door, final laugh track)