Convincing October

Does He Love You

I was running as carefully as possible up the dirt road to my house barefoot, carrying my boots and socks as I ran, hoping I'd be able to sneak by mound of strays my father had a habit of taking in. The crickets sang in the darkness of the night, reminding me of just how late it was. I had stayed out past curfew by accident, something I'd never done before, and I had no idea how I was going to explain why if I was caught. Silently I prayed that Mama and Daddy had already laid down, and that Daddy had left Tater outside tonight instead of perched in the front hall where he usually was. I might have a fighting chance of squeezing by undetected if that damned coon dog was outside, and my secret wouldn't have to be explained tonight. My breathing was a little erratic as I finally made it to the steps of the home I had lived in all of my life, and I fought to quiet the gasps for air I was making. After tonight, I was definitely going to need to start working out if I wanted to keep doing what I was.

    With an unsteady breath, I reached out to grab the handle on the screen door, hesitating as I felt guilt nagging at me. I had never lied to my family, and sneaking around without telling them what was going on was an omission of the truth, and while that was not a lie, it certainly felt like it. I wondered if I could confide in someone, maybe August. I would've thought about speaking with Tex, but she was gone for the next week, off in Montana buying livestock and horses with Stetson and Beau, her husband and their best friend. Essee was likewise busy, taking care of four rambunctious kids by herself. Arizona was out of the question since she was off hours away living with her new husband Rhett and her father Caine and December, well, she was no doubt holed up in her room trying to fight the memories of the man who scarred her soul. I knew it would be easier to talk to one of my sisters first, maybe get one of them on my side before I went and opened the flood gates. I could only imagine what my parents would do if they found out exactly what I was doing, and prayed ten different ways to Sunday- the day, not my niece- that they didn't find out anywhere in the near future. Sure I was nineteen years old and could damn well make choices for myself, but I still lived under my parents' roof--this meant one thing; I had to abide by their rules. Clean up after yourself, got to school, use your manners, sit up strait, never curse in front of Nana, and act like you were raised correctly. I snorted internally at that last bit. I had always hated that rule, but it was important to my parents. Despite the fact that I was sneaking around and essentially lying to her family, the last thing I wanted to do was disappoint them. I knew without a doubt that if this particular secret was brought to light it would bring more than disappointment to them, it would likely shame the good Dixon name. With a heaved sigh, I pushed a hand through my pale blonde hair and pulled lightly in frustration.

    "October Mae, you had better have a damned good reason for being out three hours past your curfew." I nearly jumped ten feet high as I heard my cousin's voice called out to me, causing me to drop my boots with a loud thud as my hand flew to her chest. I spun around quickly, eyes struggling to find her figure in the night.

    "Um..."

    "And, my dear sister, you had better be glad that I convinced Mama and Daddy to relax and enjoy that second bottle of wine at dinner, other wise you'd be dealin' with a howlin' Tater and a mighty pissed off Mama and Papa, along with three screaming toddlers and a pouty Anna." I had grown used to her cousins referring to her parents as their own, and had long gotten used to referring to them as her sisters.  Essee's voice was teasing, but it did hold a serious tone. I could practically see the grin that had spread itself on Tennessee's face, that satisfied half quirk settling on her perfectly colored glossed lips. I knew Essee like I knew my other sisters, the way that she would have her hands on her hips in a disapproving manner, or the way her head would tilt slightly to the left as she chided me for something she'd done herself a million times. I was in fact grateful that Tennessee had persuaded my parents to have a little more wine; my parents were known to sleep like the dead when they'd had one too many.

    "Thanks, Es." I whispered, bending down to pick up my boots, hoping my cousin would allow me to just go inside and get some sleep. I wouldn't allow it to show, but my body was sore and I was exhausted, which had been the reason I was late in the first place. I'd fallen asleep curled up on the bed and hadn't remembered to set an alarm.

    "So, uh, why were you out so late, Miss Goody-Two-Shoes?" I closed my eyes tightly. There was the Tennessee I knew, snarky to the core. Instead of responding, I simply bid my pain in the neck cousin another soft thank you before quickly making my way into the house. I had narrowly avoided confrontation there and was glad Essee was too far away to stop me from entering. With a low sigh, I made her way to my second floor bedroom and began my nightly ritual, as I scrubbed my face, I searched for anything that might lead my family to suspect what was going on. Luckily, I found nothing and continued with the rinse and dry before I sent a message that let tonight's company know that I had made it home unscathed and barely detected, only to end up smiling like a moron when I received a 'goodnight' text from that same unsaved number. One thing was for sure; if I wanted to keep it up, I was going to have to be a hell of a lot more cautious from now on.

* * ** *

I cursed lowly as the sound of my mother's voice echoed down the hall, calling all of her housebound children to the dining room for breakfast. My body was slightly achy but felt much better than it had been the night before. I grimaced when the memories came rolling back -- Tennessee would likely tease me all day about having caught me last night. Instead of huffing any longer, I rolled to the side and was about to start my morning routine when an awful wave of nausea rolled over me. My stomach tightened in sync with my throat and I tensed before making a mad dash to my en-suite bathroom, scarcely making it before all of my dinner from the previous night made another appearance. As I heaved, tears rolled down my face. I groaned loudly when I finished, the acidic tang rolling around in my mouth making me want to lean over and vomit once again. Shakily, I flushed the toilet, not bothering to lift my body from the cold tile floor.

I'd been doing this since the first few months after I started to see Ian. At first it was just stomach pains but then it developed into nausea, now it had upgraded to vomiting each morning and sometimes every afternoon. I knew exactly what the cause of it was. It was guilt.

Why did I feel so guilty about being with a man who made my heart flutter restlessly and butterflies dance in my stomach?

Because he was my professor and he was married.