Convincing October

She Gets What I Deserve

October

Have you ever looked back on your life and wondered how you got to the place you were? Yeah, well, this is one of those times for me. I was currently seated on the lid of a toilet at Texas' house, surrounded by all of my sisters as I bawled my eyes out while clutching two oblong sticks in my hand.

Both read 'positive'.

Each of my sisters, four in count at the moment, had varying looks on their face ranging between shock and confusion. I knew I'd have to tell them what was going on, I'd asked for them to get me pregnancy tests with promises of revealing secrets, but now? I wasn't so sure I wanted them to know what I'd done. Who I'd become.

An adulterer, a harlot, a mistress.

When I'd met Ian, I didn't know who he was. He'd just been a good looking older man that I had bumped into at a hole in the wall coffee place called Cozy Jo's. We'd struck up conversation over Josie's Mexican Hot Chocolate, chatting about possible courses to take and the best professors on campus. Before we'd parted ways he'd asked for my number and I'd seen no ring, no hint of deceit and I'd given it to him. He'd called me later that night to see if I'd be open to dinner and I'd found no reason to say no. It had taken four months of dinners and dates before I'd ever gotten into bed with him, but by that point, I was half in love with him and I couldn't undo it. It wasn't until that weekend away that we'd slept together and as a result I'd (accidentally) found out he was a married man. In an attempt to salvage what little dignity I had left and not allow him to see my pain, I'd walked out of the room trying not to look back. In my haste to get away, it hadn't occurred to me that I hadn't driven myself there, I'd met Ian at Josie's, our place. When he finally followed me out, I'd demanded to be taken home immediately and once I'd gotten away from Tennessee's all too suspicious eyes, I'd spent days holed up, ignoring the numerous phone calls and text messages. I'd skipped class and even called out from work. Misery wasn't the word to describe what I felt but I wasn't quite sure what was. It had taken me two weeks before I'd felt strong enough to venture outside. I had tried to go back on my word, tried to see him, forgive him, but when I'd arrive at Cozy Jo's he'd been wearing that ring, the one that reminded me that I was a homewrecker. I'd tucked tail and runaway as quickly as possible. And still, here I was six weeks later pregnant with a married man's child.

"Holy shit," Tennessee hissed, smacking the bathroom counter behind her, "I say we start diggin' a hole for the girl now 'cause once she tells all of this to Mama and Daddy she's gonna need it." The tension in the room didn't disperse with her attempt at a joke. It was likely because we all knew it wasn't one. Mama and Daddy were going to kill me.

"Does the father know?" August asked, nibbling on her bottom lip with worry clear in her eyes. Her hair was tucked behind her ears, the sable strands slipping from her pony tail. She'd been at work when I'd called and she'd rushed right over with two bags from the Shop n' Save and Reed's Pharmacy. I shook my head in response to her question and watched as the twins shared a look that I couldn't decipher.

December was the next to speak and I was surprised to hear her say anything at all. Her hair was around her face in thick, careless waves, the strands seemingly dull for what I was used to seeing on my sister. Her eyes were dead, tired when she looked up and met mine.

"You don't have to tell him, October, but if you decide not to, you have to leave town to have the baby."

"Is she? I mean," Tennessee spoke again, looking torn and cautious as she spoke -- a very un-Tennessee like quality. We all knew she wasn't the type to mince words. "Do you plan to keep the baby, Tobes?"

Did I? I think we were all certain of that answer, which meant that I couldn't stay here in Red Mire because he lived here too despite the fact that he taught in nearby Cedar Pond. Knowing that I was going to keep the baby meant saying goodbye to my family and the only home I'd ever known. Was I ready for this? It seemed I didn't have any other choice than to be.

*

"It just happened," I whispered as I stared out beyond him into the inky darkness of the night: evidence of my rapid breath coated the air around the pair of us, puffs of steam rolled from my pale, chapped lips. Bright eyes glittered unusually under the dim glow of the street light, stars all but dancing in the light blue depths. "I never meant for it to happen - it just did and now I can't take it back." The last word caught in my throat and came out raw as if I'd not spoken a single sentence in my whole life. Tears danced merrily in the thick lashes of my eyes; I lost the battle against them as one rolled down my cheek, scorching the frozen flesh as it slid. My heart beat harshly against the inner walls of my chest - the rapid rumble falling in time with the flurry of thoughts in my head. I had debated with myself and my sisters about coming over here to speak with him: my sisters had warned me that seeing him would only further serve to break my heart. I realized in that moment that they were right, every single moment here was a hot iron to my heart.

"What are you talking about, October?" He hissed, eyes darting between my sullen figure and that of the silhouette in the window of his home. His wife: he was fearful of being caught and before, I would've been careful - now he deserved it and so did I. "I'm not sure what you're doing her-" but I cut him off. The faster I spoke my mind, the faster I could get away from him and out of here.

"I cared so much about you, thought I loved you, and you know that. I can't change it now and even before -- before I knew it I was falling and there was no being caught. I'm sorry, Mr. Lakeland." For your poor wife and for loving you, but mostly for the baby you'll never see. I wanted to add, but I kept my lips tightly shut. He didn't deserve to know about the child. If I was lucky, he never would. If I was lucky, I'd never see him again, and neither would my child.

"Grace, wha-" but again I stopped him from speaking and began to walk away - never once looking back even as the tears fell faster from my eyes.