The Final Countdown - Season I

Episode 2: Part 8: We'll Always Have Paris...Oh, Wait...No, We Won't!

Previously on The Final Countdown...

Captain Fancypants and Venti Chai, estranged lovers ensnared in a web of conspiracies, toothbrushes, and terrible musical numbers, are fleeing on the back of their neighbour Ronnie as the world devours itself in a sea of unbridled rage and hatred.

Wait...let me read that over again. Really? Unbridled rage and hatred? 

Okay. Sure. It's his story. He can write what he wants.

"I wish you'd just tell me what's going on!"

Venti Chai hauled her best red suitcase into the yurt and flung it on the floor. Captain Fancypants rushed past her with a box marked JAVA and a wild look in his eyes.

"No time! Do you have everything?"

Venti threw her hands up in the air. "I don't know! This has been the weirdest day of my life! I thought I was breaking up with you, and somehow I've ended up back at the house!"

Ronnie shoved her way through the yurt with a huge cooler marked 'RONNIE'S FOOD...TUCH IT AND ILL KILL U.' Neither Venti nor Fancypants doubted her resolve when it came to protecting her grub. The cooler would remain untouched.

"What are you bitches whining about now?" Ronnie barked. "Didn't you say we've got ten minutes before shit hits the fan, Fancypants?"

She barrelled back out of the yurt and left the other two staring at her wake.

"And the names...are we really going by Fancypants and Venti Chai now?" 

Fancypants grinned. "I kind of like it. Our old names were so boring...too Earthish. Where we're going, it'll be kind of fun having new names."

"And where ARE we going, Captain?"

A massive rumble shook the whole yurt, and the captain stumbled into Venti's arms. She shoved him off without any time for awkward pseudo-romantic moments. Car alarms rang up and down their street, and that old familiar buzz of the Earth's rage grew ever louder. 

"RONNIE!" Captain Fancypants screamed and made some final touches and calculations on a console nearby. "IT'S TIME TO GO...RIGHT NOW!"

Ronnie stumbled back onboard with a keg of beer over each shoulder. She tossed them into one of the back rooms and sealed up the door behind her.

"Really?" Fancypants shook his head. "Beer?"

"Hey, if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you two shitstains, I'm gonna need some liquid encouragement." She slapped Fancypants on the back. "Now, let's get the Hell out of here!"

The Final Countdown had been installed right in the middle of the yurt, and a readout on its side showed that it was 99% ready. It glowed blue, and a healthy hum echoed out from its core.

"We're cutting it pretty close." Captain Fancypants grabbed Venti's wrist. "We'd better get strapped in."

"Strapped in?!" Venti had a thousand and one questions, and not one of them had been answered. Something in her gut told her now was not the time, but once whatever was going on was over, they were SO not getting back together.

"Yeah. This could get pretty rough."

He dragged her to a chamber on the far side of the yurt and flipped open the canvas door. Her jaw dropped.

"How long have you been working on this?"

The captain shook his head. "Just sit down, Venti."

Three lawn chairs, reinforced with Wonderful Technology, stood against the back wall of the chamber. Venti took one and buckled her seatbelt. Ronnie crashed in and took another. The middle one, the one with even more Wonderful Technology, stayed open for the captain.

"FINAL COUNTDOWN DRIVE AT 100%."

A pleasant voice filled the yurt, one that sounded a hell of a lot like Venti.

"Who the hell was that?" Venti demanded.

"Thanks, Java!" Fancypants cried. He strapped himself into his chair and swung his console (part of the Wonderful Technology) out in front of him and checked the status of his yurt. "Start the countdown, will you?"

The buzz outside reached a fever pitch, and the whole yurt shook as if the world was tearing itself apart.

"We gonna make it, Cap?" Ronnie bawled.

The captain's face looked grim. "Java, how's that countdown coming?"

"SYSTEMS CHECK...NOMINAL. LIFE SUPPORT...NOMINAL.  FINAL COUNTDOWN...FINAL COUNTDOWN..."

"Java!"

Java didn't answer.

"Java! What's the status on the Final Countdown?!"

Venti's gut was a giant ball of rock. Her life flashed before her eyes, and the first twenty years were awesome. The last few hours were a dismal nightmare.

"FINAL COUNTDOWN...NOMINAL."

The yurt's walls flapped as the buzz got so loud Venti had to plug her ears. Whatever was outside the yurt was close, and in a few seconds the yurt wouldn't be there anymore.

"TEN...NINE..."

"Skip to the end, Java!"

"THREE...TWO...ONE...LIFTOFF!"

The yurt shot into the sky at horrendous speed. Venti just had enough time to yell 'WHAT THE SHIT' before she blacked out.

A small alien ship passing by took a selfie as the Earth blew up. The tiny yurt flying through the cosmos was too small to catch on their low-resolution screen. They zipped off and put the picture up on PanGalacticInstagram. Earth-exploding memes were huge for the next two weeks.

END OF EPISODE TWO.

_______________________________________________