The Final Countdown - Season I

Episode 4: Part 1: My Body's Too Yogalicious

Previously on the Final Countdown...

The Most Outstanding Species that Was Ever Formed by Photons Smashing Into Electrons In the Primordial Soup that Was the Early Universe has the yurt in its clutches.

Of course, they didn't account for the wonder that is Ronnie.

"'Namaste, bitches?'" 

T'Iguidou prided herself on being able to read anybody, any time. Being the empress of a telepathic species definitely had its advantages. 

This 'Namastebitches' creature was beyond her capabilities. She cranked her telepathy up to 11, but couldn't get anything on it. 

"Guards, seize it."

No fewer than twelve of her Elite Guards primed up their Brown Note guns, so named because they played a note so low that whoever wandered into the Brown Note beam was rendered unable to control their faculties, and crept a few steps closer to the yurt and the creature guarding its entrance.

"Take one more step." Ronnie grinned, which was nothing short of terrifying. "I dare you."

T'Iguidou was stunned. Not once, in her three-and-a-half thousand light years as empress, had anyone ever spoken to her like this. It was a most uncomfortable feeling.

"Seize it now. Failure will result in mulching."

Every guard had lost someone to mulching, so they collectively grimaced and took another step toward the thing and its yurt.

"Bad idea, fuckers. Ujjayi Roundhouse!"

Ronnie leapt in the air, a bizarre rattling breath at back of her throat. Half a second later, three guards were dead.

"Chaturanga Knife Hand!"

A tear rolled down T'Iguidou's cheek as the huge womanbeast took out five more guards with what could only be described as a karate chop pushup.

"EKA PADA KOUNDINYASANA METEOR HAMMER!"

Only one guard remained as the soaring Ronnie somehow managed to fling her legs out to one side and removed the heads of two more of the most highly trained soldiers in the universe with her club feet. 

T'Iguidou was not impressed.

"Oh, give me that!" The empress seized the last guard's Brown Note gun, cranked it up to Montezuma's Revenge, and gave Ronnie both barrels.

"Oh, shit!" Ronnie clutched her intestinal region and crumpled to the ground. 

T'Iguidou glared down her perfect nose at the mess that Ronnie had created, both with her yoga fu and the evacuation of her bowels. 

"If you want something done right, bring a gun that makes people shit themselves," T'Iguidou growled. "Now, seize them!"

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