The Final Countdown - Season I

Episode 5: Part 6: Java FTW

"Babypants! You about done in there?"

The dulcet lullaby of Ronnie's voice shook the captain out of his 'woe-is-me' moment. He took a deep breath, and remembered what the hell he was doing. The door slid open, and Venti appeared in the archway.

"Need a hand?" 

Fancypants smiled, which was a strange sensation after so long without having made a facial expression other than 'Jesus Christ, I have no idea what I'm doing!' He grabbed a square can of Fluxxian Gelationous Icthyoid Jelly - now with more paramecia! and tossed it over to his first mate.

"You know something?"

Venti reacted at the last possible second and grabbed the can out of the air before it sailed off to some hidden corner of the room. "You just sang yourself a 'poor me' song?"

"Besides that. I've just had a big fat revelation."

He scooped up a handful of Icthyoid jelly cans and tucked them under his arm. Two shelves over he found countless bags of Terran Bovine Muscle Fibers - salted and dried until leathery. He grabbed a half a dozen and shoved them into his pockets.

"A big fat one, huh? Those are the worst kind."

"I know, right?"

Venti found a bucket of what looked very much like ju-jubes and stacked it on top of her jelly cans. "So, what is this big, fat revelation?"

"We're it," he said. "There's three of us left. You, me, and that Ronnie-looking thing out there. That's it for humanity. I can't sit here, moping around, getting frustrated at every dead end. Look at Ronnie!"

Venti laughed. "What about her?"

"She's a freak! I can barely stop myself from barfing every time I look at her! But she's keeping on, isn't she? Not giving up. Kicking ass."

"One sad song all by yourself made you think of all that?" Venti added a suspicious-looking moldy bunch of what maybe at one point might have been carrots to her pile and leaned against a shelf.

"Yeah! Well, not just that. Everything up to this point might have helped, too."

"Oh, you mean the frigging insane adventure we've been on so far? You know, the one where we watched our planet blow up before being kidnapped by an alien race that still hasn't told us what the hell they're planning on doing?"

As if she'd been listening in the whole time, Java dropped from the ceiling like someone had ordered her 'to go.'

"Java!" Venti reached out and cuddled the agitated robot with some tickles behind the ears.

"V, what's happening?" Java asked. She horked up something purple and snapped her paws at Fancypants. "You ready for something insane?"

The room shook and the door blew out as Ronnie tentacled down the wall. "I heard Java! Is that you, Java?"

"Yes - what the actual fuck - Ronnie...hurk...you look...sweet Jesus...you look good!" Java horked up another round of the purple substance and avoided eye contact with the Thing-Formerly-Known-As-Ronnie.

"Good to see you, Java!" Ronnie smiled, which strongly resembled a gaping, festering wound.

"Everyone shut up!" Fancypants ordered. "What the hell's so insane, Java?"

The whole crew got really quiet, really fast. All eyes, even Ronnie's, perched on top of her eyestalks, got laser-focussed on the tiny robot kitty.

"They're going to kill us," Java warned. "For shits and giggs."

Fancypants's face went dark, but he took a deep breath. "Okay. Let's get the hell out of here."

_______________________________________________________