The Final Countdown - Season I

Episode 5: Part 8: Prime Rib Directive

Previously on The Final Countdown...

Venti.

Captain Fancypants.

Ronnie.

Java.

These four brave...well, you couldn't really say 'willing' because they kind of were thrown into this whole adventure, what with the whole Earth blowing up thing that happened way back in July...unwilling adventurers are one sneak through the alien ship away from untold quests and God (or deity of your choice) knows what else. 

Oh yeah, and Ronnie's invisible. Because, yeah.

Two of T'Iguidou's best guards kept vigil along the ship's main corridor, one on either side, securing the artery that ran down the long, dimly lit belly of the fleet's spacebound leviathan. 

(For those of you playing the home game, 'leviathan' is a really big sea serpent, originally based in the Syrian myth of Temtum, but in this case it means a 'really huge spaceship that is really quite large.' Just to clarify.)

"Anything on your side, (name redacted because human mouths can't pronounce it, so for the sake of brevity, we'll call him Bob)?" The shorter guard cracked her neck from side to side and moved her massive matter separation rifle from one shoulder to the other.

"Nothing." Bob took a bite out of what looked like a roofing shingle, but was remarkably close in makeup to a standard Earth granola bar. "What's the deal with these Earth things anyway, Nora?"

Nora shrugged. "Nobody tells me nothing. I just show up where I show up, point my gun at stuff, and kill it if it needs killing."

The guards shared a long, hearty, guardish laugh at their shared appreciation for 'killing things that need killing,' but in their jocularity, they didn't focus on the weird shimmery thing sneaking between them. 

The weird shimmery thing that smelled oddly of humans, robot cat, and...Ronnie.

"You think maybe T'Iguidou's got something planned for them?" Bob swallowed his chunk of shingle, only to get it lodged in his throat. A couple of good whacks to his chest shook it loose.

"Besides killing?" Nora lifted her rifle to her eye and peered down the sights. "Who gives a shit? Once the killing's done, what's left to do? Kill 'em again?"

They dissolved into another round of 'man, I LOVE killing stuff' laughter. The weird shimmery thing, complete with its melange of odd aromas, skedaddled down the hallway as the guards collapsed against the walls in rolling guffaws.

"SERIOUSLY!" roared the shimmery thing. "Next person that sticks a hand THERE gets inked!"

Nora and Bob stared in horror as the human male appeared out of thin air, followed by that damn cat T'Iguidou was looking for, and the smart one that had all the attention of the male. All three were drenched with a thick, slimy clear fluid that smelled like the wrong side of a yak.

"Freeze, humans!" Nora aimed her rifle right between Fancypants' eyes. "Don't move a muscle!"

Fancypants was too stunned to even register that anyone was talking to him. He lifted his head and peered up at Nora's obscene rifle with his big, dumb cow human eyes barely able to keep focus.

"Aw, shit!" 

Bob screamed openly. He had everyone in his line of sight, and nobody had just spoken. 

"You hear that?" Bob leapt across the hallway, only to hit something huge and disgusting mid-leap. He fell to the ground, knocked out cold. Something massive and tree-like smoked Nora right in the side of the head. She joined her fellow guard on the floor.

Fancypants, Venti, and Java didn't even bat an eye as the shimmery thing slid over and swallowed them all back up again.

"You guys really have to start pulling your weight around here." Ronnie slithered down the corridor, her mucous-enrobed crewmates fully ensconced somewhere in her currently cephalodian nether regions.

Finally, after a couple of close calls and one way too narrow shave, Ronnie burst through the door into the shuttle bay.

There she was, in all her yurtish glory.

The Final Countdown.

"That thing really looks like shit." Ronnie expunged her crewmates, all of whom would later agree that travel by Ronnie was just about the worst experience of their entire lives.

"Don't you talk about her like that!" Fancypants dug a handful of Ronnie goo out of his left ear and ran over to the yurt. "I think she's still in working condition! Java, diagnostic!"

The robot cat slunk through the door of the yurt and disappeared inside. A moment later, the yurt roared to life.

"Nice!" Venti cheered. "We might just make it, after all!"

"Yeah, maybe." It was incredibly strange for the rest of the crew to talk to Ronnie, thanks to her still being invisible. "What about that thing that sucked us onboard?"

"Shit!" Fancypants smacked his forehead. "I spent so much time whining down there, I forgot about the damn beam!"

"I wouldn't worry about the beam if I were you."

The crew froze. They had gotten so caught up in all their yurt preparations and celebrations they hadn't heard T'Iguidou, nor her dozen Elite Guards file into the shuttle bay.

"Impressive." T'Iguidou took three steps toward Fancypants and towered over him. "Most impressive."

"Hey!" Venti leapt between T'Iguidou and the captain, her hand right up in the alien queen's face. "What's so damn impressive?"

T'Iguidou smiled. "Your tenacity. Your drive. Your will to survive. Your lovely little cat. I don't know what to say, humans. I like you. Today, you live."

Fancypants furrowed his brow and poked his head out from behind Venti. "What do you mean, 'today, you live?'"

T'Iguidou grinned again, beaming down at Fancypants as though he were the slowest creature to ever exist. "Today, I won't have you executed. Today, you can fly off in your delicious little tent, and tomorrow...well, let's just leave tomorrow for tomorrow, shall we?"

"Is she saying we can fucking go?" Ronnie popped into view, looking rather normal and humanish again. "Hey, sweet! I don't have tentacles anymore!"

"Yes, you may go." T'Iguidou waved a hand at her guard, who turned on a heel and marched out of the shuttle bay. "This time!"

T'Iguidou followed her troops out of the bay, but not before spinning around and blowing a kiss in the crew's direction.

"Fuck it, let's get out of here." Fancypants grabbed Venti and Ronnie by the hands, and together they boarded the yurt. 

Five minutes later, the Final Countdown finally launched from the alien ship. Everyone breathed a long sigh of relief.

"Well, that was weird!" Ronnie brayed. She already had a beer and leaned against a console. "Where to next?"

"Ronnie, don't lean on that!" Venti warned.

"Lean on what?" Ronnie tipped up her beer and poured half of it down her throat. The back of her head pressed a big purple button.

"Lean on -"

And once again, the Final Countdown blinked out of view, ripping across the galaxy to another outlandish adventure.

THE END

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