The Aurelia⎪✓

{26}

Alexithymia

(n.) difficulty describing emotions to others

♡

A week had gone by since the more than awkward breakfast. I'd kept my distance from everyone, even Lilly. It seemed stupid and could send red flags, but I was so incredibly paranoid of them knowing. If I slipped up even once, Balto would pounce on it and make Arrax question me even more than he already did. 

I didn't expect my heart to hurt so much by staying away from them, but it did and with him being my mate it was probably inevitable anyway. I could deal with a little pain, while I thought of a plan for all of this. I'd been pondering for a week by now, but nothing was good enough. None of them would accept me as an Aurelia, and for every day I lied, was another layer of hate once they found out. 

As I was walking in the woods, my heart pounded painfully in my chest by the realization that this might never work out. I wasn't supposed to be here, this pack was doing so well without me and Arrax deserved so much more than the baggage I came with. Balto would never accept me, I was well aware of that by now, he changed on me by the thought of me being human even, what wouldn't he think of the reality of my identity then?

As heavy rain started pouring down on me, I sat down by a tree, allowing myself to feel every pent up emotion during these weeks. I had been working on hiding my entire identity, that now when I allowed those walls to fall, the painful memories shook me to the core. 

Fleeting images ran through my mind, from my mother's sobs when I left them, to all the lonely nights in the woods where fear was the only taste in my mouth. I didn't know what I'd done wrong to deserve this type of life, I was a good daughter, I was a loyal pack member. 

I could only hope to get my sanity back, once all of this was over. But with it being over came the dreaded thought of my death, I couldn't leave this place alive, not anymore. I was officially too attached, even if I managed to escape, my soul would suffer the consequences of leaving my mate. My shell would be the only thing left, it would kill me piece by piece. 

A disastrous sob wrecked through my body, followed by another, and before I knew it, I was hunched over myself allowing every single thing to be felt. Raindrops mixed with my tears, as a heartbroken whimper left my lips. I couldn't leave them. As much as Arrax drove me crazy, he still felt for me and I felt for him, our souls were meant to love each other. I could never turn my back to the one who's made for me. That man was mine, his perfect appearance and lovely personality were designed to be with me, to love me. 

I would stay with him, even if that resulted in my death. He was worth every sacrifice, he was worth every tear, worth every painful tug in my heart. I just hoped he could trust me on that one dreaded day, that one day was inevitable, he would know at some point, and my entire being was praying for him to trust me. If he turned on me, then he would be the one to kill me, and that was the one thing that wasn't worth anything. 

Leaning my head backwards against the tree, the rain washed my tears away. Telling myself that it was my parents soothing me, a sad smile fell on my lips. Were they even alive anymore? I would never know, it had been a lot of years and age would weaken them. Hope filled my veins though, because they knew that as well, they knew that hiding was their only opportunity of survival. 

"Aspen?" A deep voice yelled through the rain, I could barely make him out, but I knew it was Arrax. He realized it was me and hurried in my direction, sitting down next to me when he saw my red eyes, pulling my body into his embrace. "What's going on? Talk to me."

Hearing his voice whisper into my ear, and the small kiss he left on my temple, my eyes welled up again. It wasn't even a possibility to leave him, I couldn't do it. Shaking, I placed my head in his neck, allowing me to enjoy his embrace and the support he gave me, without even knowing it. He'd never seen me like this before, no one had actually, but I wasn't embarrassed. My trust for him was too strong for me to ever be embarrassed about being vulnerable in front of him. 

Without knowing it myself, this was exactly what I needed right now. Just him and I, being together. With one hand on my hip and another cupping my face, he hugged me into him, as silent tears ran down my face. Gripping his shirt, the desperation was heavy in my soul, but I didn't want to show him too much vulnerability, it would scare him if I reacted too strongly. 

His hand on my face gently urged me to look at him, his brown eyes so sad for me, pain was all my heart felt. "Aspen?" He silently questioned, I could understand why this must be freaking him out, but I really didn't want to talk about it. 

Instead I let my lips graze his, the feeling already letting me forget the poisonous memories. His hand tightened on my hip, as he placed his lips fully on mine. It was amazing how my body reacted to him immediately, the grip on his shirt became harder. His lips moved slowly against my own, comforting me in a way that only he could. Small shivers ran down my body as he pulled me up to sit on his lap. 

Every sad emotion I had in my body, was dampened because of how he kissed me, how he held me. Arrax lightly pulled away, our foreheads were resting against each other. "I'm afraid of losing you." I elaborated on one of my concerns, not daring to meet his eyes.

He grabbed either side of my face with his hands, making our eyes meet. "You could never." He promised and left a small kiss on my lips, sending shockwaves through my body.

I really hope not...