Who We Were | Book One

14. Loose Ends

Small puddles scattered the roads and pavements, reflecting the sun which had begun to break through the clouds. I still hadn't spoken a word to Josh, and he hadn't said a word to me either. He led the way as we walked and I remained a few paces behind, still trying to process what happened.

It was Jennifer.

I had killed Jen.

But I also hadn't killed her, I told myself it was only something that looked like her. Jen died when she'd become Infected. The thoughts came and went so fast I felt dizzy. We were walking alongside the shoreline when Josh broke the silence.

"Who was she?" He asked, looking over.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Jennifer," I replied, not meeting his eyes.

His gaze moved to the ground. "I'm sorry," he said finally.

The waves lapped on the beach like the leisurely ticking of a clock and I was grateful for the salty air that filled my lungs. We passed abandoned deckchairs which scattered the vast sand, their legs briefly kissed by the ocean.

"It's going to be okay," he added, his voice lifted by the wind.

"No," I shook my head. "Nothing is okay anymore."

The silence grew as he considered my words. "But it can be." I looked out to the sea where the hues of the sun melted into the water, creating swirls like a Van Gogh painting. "Come on," he nodded towards the beach. "Let's take a break."

The damp grains made their way through my jeans as I hugged my knees close to my chest. Josh slumped down beside me, facing out towards the sea. His hair fought with the wind, as did mine, being pulled in every direction like a war with mother nature. Through squinted eyes, he watched as the waves overlapped each other, masking the shore with transparent fading water.

"The beach used to be my favourite place," he said, looking out to the expanse of blue.

"It's not anymore?" I murmured in response, the salty air laying thick on my tongue.

"It's different now," he replied, digging his fingers into the sand. "It just doesn't feel the same as it used to."

I caught some of the stray hairs that whipped against my face and tucked them behind my ears. "My mum used to say there's nothing worse than memories you can't forget."

"Well, she's not wrong," he sighed. The wind whipped around my face, creating its own beat in my ears. "Why did you change your name?" He muttered to the sea before turning his face to mine.

I felt lost in the rhythmic percussion of the lapping waves as my eyes fell on the horizon. "It was my mum's nickname," I explained, my fingers lifting to the chain around my neck. "I'd always loved it... When I told you, it was like I was starting a new chapter."

He smiled. It reached his eyes and I heard it in his voice. "I like it," he said, returning his gaze to the sand. "It suits you."

"How did everything turn to shit?" I mumbled, resting my head against my knees. "Things never used to change this fast."

"New world. New life," he reacted. "This is one thing we didn't have a say in."

"It just feels like it all happened so quickly," I exhaled, "like we were never given the chance to figure out what it all means."

"What are you saying?" He asked. "You thought this would all mean something?"

I shrugged. "I don't know... I mean, every book has an ending, right? Everything gets tied up at the end. This all just feels like loose ends... One big untangled rope. And even if you do manage to put it back together, it's not going to work the same as it did before."