You Are My Light Part II

222 - Postpartum *Modern*

Side Note - In the same AU as parts 36 and 106

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"Is it any different?" the Baroness de Portiers asks, looking at the twenty four year old Queen of France, as the young woman clutches her second born child. The four day old Dauphin of France is covered by a blue blanket as he -presumably- begins to feed from his mother's' breast. Queen Mary of France smiles down at the little boy, cooing down at him underneath the blanket that lay across her torso. Her half sister in law smiles at the pretty scene, reaching out to straighten the blanket across her shoulder.

"Is what any different?" Mary asks, looking from her little boy and towards Sebastian's wife. She and Bash hadn't had any children yet, rather choosing to remain childless for the next few years and enjoy life on the adventurous side. Well, as adventurous as life could get being members of the French royal family.

"I don't mean to upset you when I say this, but the difference between when Annaliece was born and now, having James, is night and day." she says. Mary's eyes darken when she realises what Kenna's saying. "I'm just wondering, is it any different? Having a baby then, and to having this baby now?"

"I don't know how to explain it." Mary sighs after a pause. "I have to say, things are coming with so much more ease than they did with Anna." she sighs. "Obviously, the differences to how I had them are night and day," she says. Kenna nods. "I was overdue with my little girl, had to be induced. The C section and then the coma," she says, licking her lips, a sign Kenna knows well. "and the bonding didn't start until she was two. I love her more than words can say, but the post partum depression kicked my arse. I hated how I had her, I hated my body, I hated everything that happened, I hated everyone." she sighs. "But with him? Things happened with so much ease. I was two weeks early with him, and yeah, the labor hurt like a bitch, but it was smooth and peaceful. He cooperated with everything, and I got to experience pushing him out of me. The feeling of holding him as he was put on my chest, even if he was all covered in gunk, it was incomparable. And even breastfeeding, he's taking to me to the point where I'm feeding him every two hours, and donated milk to Elizabeth and Isabella, 'cause her daughter is ravenous, and poor Lissie can't keep up. Anna never did that, she wouldn't take to me, we had to rely on formula and donor milk."

"I remember." Kenna says quietly. "You were so unhappy those two years. I didn't know how to help you."

"I don't think anybody could help me, Kenna." she sighs. "I had to work through all that shit myself. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. All the therapy and medication, I thought I was going to lose my mind."

"That's why you waited so long to try again, yeah?"

"It was." Mary agrees, picking up her smoothie, beginning to drink it as James began to properly suckle from her breast. "I mean, she's gonna be four next year, that's how much her birth fucked with my head. It was terrifying, I thought she and I were going to die when they wheeled me into the operating room. And those two years after she was born, at one point, I was a danger to myself, you know that." she says. "But I'm the Queen of France, I had to give Francis at least one son. You know how much we had to persuade Henry to make Anna Francis' legal heir if I couldn't get past all the post partum stuff. He'd only abdicate once I was pregnant with a boy. That was the deal when we were given the diagnosis. He'd still be King until I was going to give him a grandson." she finishes the drink, one of Catherine's many connections the former Queen of France poured down Mary's throat both times she was pregnant. "But, apart from that, Anna's birth did stall us in trying to have a baby again. Francis had to work through some things, too. Since he was in the birthing room with me when her heart stopped and when I nearly died after her. He was too scared to try and risk putting us through that again, I couldn't bring myself to show my scars to him when we were having sex. We didn't for like a year and a half, that's how deep the trauma went."

"And you two were like rabbits when you were engaged and before Anna." Kenna smirks.

Mary laughs. "We were." she admits. "But one of the things we learned was that we had to face our fears about getting pregnant and having another baby. As soon as we got the all clear from all the doctors, Francis and I had to try and get pregnant again. It was terrifying, but we couldn't live on what ifs for the rest of our lives, we had to be brave and try again."

"And the first night?" she smirks again.

"Yeah." Mary chuckles. "He was easy even then." she says. "Even the pregnancy was easy, there were no symptoms until the second trimester, we wouldn't have known if we weren't trying to get pregnant again."

"Yeah," she sighs.

"Wait," Mary realises. "Is what happened to me with Anna, and now James, one of the reasons why you and Bash haven't tried for any kids yet?"

Kenna cringes. "Kinda." she admits. "I wanted to get pregnant after Anna was born, but when things went south to quickly for you, and those two years of pain, seeing someone you love go through that, trust me, that's enough to put the implant in my arm." she says.

"Kenna!" Mary raises her eyebrows. "Just because it happened to me, and yes, it was scary to see that, doesn't mean it should keep you from having kids of your own. Look at him," Mary gestures to the little boy in her arms. "look how perfect and serene he is.  He's my prize for putting the pain of my past behind me. You can't let the risk of postpartum scare you into not becoming a mum." she says.

"How can it not? You don't know how scary it was, seeing the very best and then the very worst of what giving birth can do to you!" Kenna sniffles. "I was so scared I'd never see you again, after things went wrong in the section, I was so scared that the baby would die. I was to terrified for you when you announced that you were pregnant again, I didn't know if it would happen again." she sniffles again, feeling rather selfish. "You and I are related, so are Bash'n Francis, how was I supposed to know that what happened isn't hereditary? I can't imagine what you went through being in your shoes, I don't want to risk that happening to me." she sniffles again. "God, I can't-"

"Shh, it's okay." Mary places a hand on Kenna's hand,gently maneuvering the baby on her breast when he stops suckling at her. "I understand. I don't have any platform to judge if you or Bash don't have or have children. If that's what you want, then it's okay." she pauses again. "But you should know that having these little ones are the light of my life, they give me purpose and so much happiness. I mean, look at him." Mary moves James so Kenna can see his perfect milk-drunk face. "Look how perfect he is, how beautiful and precious."

"He is." Kenna's voice is quiet.

"I took the risk, Kenna. That doesn't mean anything negative will happen to you and Bash. Trust me."

"O-okay."

"Good." Mary smiles. "Now, let's talk of matters not so heavy on the heart, hmm? How was your trip to Malaysia with Greer?"