Surviving You

22: Core Memory #11

Core Memory - Her Last Day

Ally lays in the hospital bed, her eyes shut, her face tired and pale, her breathing shallow.

Dried tears stain my cheeks as I uncomfortably shift in the hospital chair, my hand tightly wrapped in hers, afraid of letting her go.

Ally stop her treatments a month ago, they weren't working and Ally wanted her final moments to be as peaceful as possible. When she told me she wanted to stop the treatments, we fought. I felt like she was just giving up, that there had to be more that we could do. Ally explained that she wasn't giving up, but that she was so tired and she already knew she was dying. She wanted to live her last moments in peace.

She's been sleeping almost all day every day. Today she asked for all her friends and family to come see her. I think she's planning on saying goodbye while she still can.

The ache in my heart intensifies. I can't think about that. I can't accept the fact that she is dying. That I will no longer have my Ally. That we will no longer have our forever.

I guess our forever got cut short.

I have to stop myself from thinking about the future. Or lack there of. We won't be getting married, we won't be graduating together, we won't be having kids together, or growing old together.

My life partner isn't mine for life. She won't be here. How am I supposed to continue with life if she's not here with me?

Ally stirs in her bed and my bloodshot eyes flick to her. Her face scrunches up in discomfort and she goes to sit up. I bounce out of my seat and help her to sit up and she gives me a small, pained smile.

"Hello sweetheart, how are you feeling?" I ask her and she shrugs. I know she won't really tell me how she feels, she doesn't want me to worry.

"Are they here yet?" She asks, referring to everyone she's asked to come see her. She wheezes a little and I bring her cup of water to her lips and she takes a sip. All she's had for the last two days is water. I wish she would eat something.

"Yeah, they're outside. They actually just got here" I lie. I don't have the heart to tell her they've been waiting for her to wake up for an hour. She doesn't need to feel bad about sleeping. She needs to sleep.

I pull out my phone and send a quick text to her parents. Ally wanted to talk to them first.

Her parents walk in and Ally nods to tell me it's okay for me to wait outside her room. Her parents send me grateful smiles as I pass them and I sink to the floor beside her room and bury my head in my hands.

I haven't slept since she got diagnosed. I'm constantly worried something bad will happen to her. That if I sleep, I might miss her final moments. That sentence alone pretty much kills me.

My heart has been so broken. So utterly broken. I don't know how I'm going to recover. I don't think I ever will.

I don't think I can survive this heartbreak, survive this loss, survive her.

Her parents walk out of the room after ten minutes, fresh tears rolling down their faces. Her father is holding her mother in a tight embrace and I have to look away before I start crying too.

"You're a good man, Alex. You've given your all for my Ally and I will be forever grateful for you. Thank you for loving my little girl. I've never seen Ally so happy before you. Don't hesitate to reach out if you ever need us. You will always be like a son to us" Her father says to me and I look up with tears in my eyes. I stand up and shake his hand, muttering a thank you for his kind words. He ushers Ally's mom out of the hallway and I can't imagine what they must be going through, knowing that was the last time they will ever speak with their daughter.