Surviving You

23: Journal Entry #12

Journal Entry #12

December 3rd

A year and 3 months

I moved out of our apartment. When we first moved in, I never would've imagined moving out without you by my side. I always viewed the apartment as a stepping stone. One step closer to buying a house together. I wanted to do it all with you Ally, the house, the marriage, the kids, even pets if that's what you wanted. I figured it was time to move out. The lease was coming to an end and I couldn't imagine renewing it. As much as it pains me to move out and lose the connection I feel to the place, I can't keep living there. At some point, I will have to move on. I'm torturing myself by continuing to live in a place you no longer live in. Every room in that tiny apartment reminds me of you. Every single spot in that apartment is tied to a memory of you. How can I heal when I'm living in an environment that lives and breathes Ally when you aren't here anymore. I packed all of our things. I kept some of your items I wanted to keep, the rest I gave to your parents. What they chose to do with it is there choice but personally I couldn't bring myself to throw out anything. It feels wrong to throw out your stuff. Somewhere subconsciously I want to keep it all in case you come back to me, I know that sounds strange but I think that's the reason I can't let go. I still secretly hope you'll come back. I miss you so much Ally. My life will never be the same after you. It will never go back to being normal. I have to adapt to this new normal. It's not going to be easy, but it's something I have to do. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of mourning. I think I'm ready to move on. Or at least start the process. I don't think I will ever love someone as much as you, and I don't have any interest in loving someone that is not you, but I do know that I can't hold onto the past forever. At some point life goes on and I have to go along with it. I love you Ally. I hope I'm making you proud.

Forever yours, alex