unexpected feelings | marichat

chapter forty

marinette's pov
   the grimoire was too confusing. ms. bustier's present had been finished weeks ago. playing ultimate mecha-strike was no fun without a partner. and watching ultra cheesy rom-coms only further reminded me of chat noir, which was the furthest from what i needed.
   the reminders of him i'd gotten in the theater had been enough. that wasn't to mention how bad i felt for telling luka i still loved somebody else. he'd been happy for me, supportive, and he'd even offered his help if i ever needed any. of course, that only deepened my guilt. how much nicer could he get?!
   i groaned. "tikki, can you bite me? maybe that'll distract me." tikki gave me a confused look from where she sat, playing cards with wayzz and kaalki.
   "is this about chat noir? because i don't think me biting you would help you very much," she reasoned. wayzz nodded in agreement.
   "well, what else can i do to stop focusing on him? i've been staring at this page of the spellbook for like two hours and i haven't been able to absorb ANY information from it! zero, zilch, nada!"
   "perhaps you could try speaking to mr. noir?" kaalki suggested. i suppressed a roll of my eyes. that was the last thing that would help.
   "but, kaalki, how would that help me stop thinking about him?"
   "marinette, you only haven't been able to get over him because you refused to keep in contact with him. you have no closure. if you were to simply talk to him about this, maybe you would find it easier to forget," wayzz piped in, ignoring the death glare kaalki was sending him. i furrowed my eyebrows. that definitely made sense, but...
"what if i don't wanna forget about him?" i asked in an embarrassingly quiet voice. i knew i needed to stop loving him, for both our sakes, and i'd been trying, but part of me just wasn't ready to let go. most of me wasn't ready to let go.
"oh, for crying out loud, marinette! either you get closure or find the guts to date him, otherwise you'll spend the rest of your sad teenage years moping over him!" kaalki burst, earning scoldings from both tikki and wayzz. even some of the other kwamis sent cursory looks from their post on my bed.
i sighed. as harsh as the words sounded, kaalki had a point. i stood from my desk and made my way up my stairs. tikki, bless her tiny kwami soul, fluttered in front of me, a worried look in her eyes.
   "are you okay, marinette?" i rubbed her head gently with my finger.
   "i'm fine. i just need some air, to think." tikki fluttered uncertainly near me before going back to her card game, leaving me to gather my thoughts alone.
   the summer air felt perfect on my skin, and the birds chirped in a beautiful chorus all around me. had i not been up here to mope, as kaalki so generously pointed out, it would have been pretty relaxing. even the railing was at a nice enough temperature to lean on.
   "stupid cat making me feel stupid feelings," i muttered, kicking a small rock off the roof.
   "a stupid cat giving you a hard time, huh? do i happen to know this guy?" a lilting voice behind me asked. i nearly fell off the balcony at the jump i gave, but chat noir's hand caught me just before i tipped over the railing.
   "oh my god, chat! you scared me half to death! what on earth are you doing up here?!"
   "well, my original plan was to beg your parents to let me see you and hope that they would pity me. but i spotted a meow-velous chance when i saw you up here, and decided it would be easier to just land on your balcony," he explained casually.
   "what if i had pepper spray? or some kind of weapon?" i asked, still reeling from the fact that he was up here, standing in front of me as if he'd known that i was thinking about him.
   "i've taken worse from akumas," he shrugged, sitting in my chaise. "oh, and, between you and me, i think you should tell this guy your feelings. or at least talk to him. i'm sure he's been waiting ages to hear from you." the pain in his eyes, in his voice, was clear. he did know who i was muttering about. and he was hurting because i had just ghosted him for no reason. my heart clenched. as if this hadn't been bad enough already.
   "chat..." i started, heading towards him. he smiled sadly  and tucked a hair behind my ear when i settled next to him.
   "don't explain anything. i don't want an apology. if you stopped talking to me because of what happened that day, with sandboy, i completely understand. and, if i did something before then to make you uncomfortable without knowing it, i'm so sorry." i couldn't believe he was blaming himself on this. that he thought he was at fault for my ignoring him. does he always apologize for things he didn't do?
   "no! no, it wasn't your fault at all. i loved the time we spent together. and you never made me uncomfortable. far from it. i'm sorry i even made you believe that," i said, getting a horrible sense of deja vu. this was awfully similar to what adrien and i had said to each other at the wax museum. why did him and chat immediately blame themselves for others behavior towards them?
   "don't be sorry, marinette. i'm just relieved to know i didn't do anything that hurt you. and that you dont hate me. i was so worried," he said, embracing me. i quickly hugged him back, shutting my eyes as i took in how nice it felt. too soon, he pulled away, leaving me wishing for more before i reminded myself that i needed to stop wishing for that.
"so, friends?" i asked. he grinned.
"i thought we were already friends, purr-incess. though, we should maybe get better at communicating," he replied. i grimaced, knowing that my communication with him at the moment was far from good.
"that would definitely be helpful."
chat looked down, focused for a few seconds. when he looked up, his grin had faltered. "well, since we're working on communication, i guess i should tell you something. something i should have told you a while ago."
i braced myself for the worst. he didn't want to be friends anymore. he was sick with some incurable disease and only had a few weeks left to live. he liked someone else. i shook my head at that last one. i already knew he liked someone else, why was i even worried about that anymore?
instead, i got silence. after a few seconds of it, he finally stood up, taking my hand and forcing me to stand with him. the look in his eyes was so soft, in a way i'd only seen a few times. i gulped as i took it in, wondering if he could hear my heart beating. he probably can.
"marinette i... i like you. a lot. i... you're incredible. honestly, marinette, i don't know if you see it, but you're one of the sweetest, funniest, most caring people i know. and you're beautiful. i think you know that already, right? i mean, you have a mirror. anyway, yeah. i really, really like you marinette. am i allowed to say i love you? because i feel like that's a more accurate representation of what i feel. because this time i've spent with you... wow. i mean, i honestly don't think i've been happier, or more free than when i'm with you. i love you, marinette. i really do. i wish it hadn't taken me so long to say it."
the way he says it, so soft and real and gentle, made me want to cry. maybe i was crying. i've no clue. i wouldn't know it if i was, with how unreal this all felt. for some reason, this was different than all the times he said it to me as ladybug. because now he loves me without the suit, without all the powers and sparkling yo-yo and confidence that i couldn't even dream to have outside the mask. he loves me. he loves me! he fell for me twice! and here i was thinking he loved someone else, when the whole time he was talking about me.
i must've stood silent and gaping for too long, because suddenly he looked mortified and began to apologize over and over again to me. "oh, forget i ever said that! i'm sorry! you probably think i love ladybug, don't you? i did tell you that once... well, i did love her, but i'm getting over her. i've been trying for months! but that's not the point, what is the point? no, you know what? forget i said anything," he blabbed, turning away from me and running a hand through his hair. he'd never gotten this flustered before. it was endearing.
so endearing, that i forgot why i even bothered trying to get over him. we loved each other. for this moment, that was all that mattered. and i wanted him to know i loved him back. i really, really did.
i turned him around and forced him to look me in the eyes. my face was probably red as a tomato, and my voice was honestly not the least bit trustable, but i needed to at least try and let him know how i felt.
"i... i'd rather not forget about that. i'd like to remember you saying that for a very long time."
he smiled and cupped my cheek gently, bringing his face even closer to mine. could he tell my face was hotter than a burning coal right now? "so... are you saying you feel the same way?"
   i giggled and nodded, making him grin so widely i struggled to remember why this was a bad idea. his eyes fluttered down to my lips for a second before he looked back into my eyes, a more shy look on his face. "may i... can we..." he trailed off, looking at my lips once again. i smiled and nodded, sure that this was what i wanted.
   he leaned in and pressed his lips on mine, an action so tentative and gentle that made me feel so completely loved, like he wanted this badly, but was willing to go slowly, for my sake. i wanted to deepen it, i needed more, but at the same time.... this was so amazing, i couldn't bear changing it. so this was that love they always talked about in movies and books. this was how it felt.
everything about this kiss was so painstakingly beautiful and perfect and patient... and that's when it hit me. we couldn't have this. this, whatever we pretended to be, we couldn't do it. whatever feelings we had for each other, they didn't matter. there were too many risks, one in particular nagging at my brain as it had ever since it had happened. as long as hawkmoth was around, there would always be a barrier between us, keeping us from the things we wanted. this kiss was already too much to ask for. a stolen moment.
   had i been crying earlier? i really couldn't remember. i was well aware of the tears streaming down my cheeks now, though. they were warm and salty and starkly contrasted the sweet flavor of our kiss. i knew soon we would have to pull away, or soon he'd notice the tears now freely falling from my closed eyes, but i couldn't pull away yet. we deserved this much, at least. so i deepened the kiss, ignoring the fact that by now the saltiness was overriding the sweet, and dreaded the moment i'd finally have to let go.

(a/n: at least i gave them a happy moment for a few seconds. lolz)