Back To You | complete

Chapter 08| Let Me Hear It All

Chapter eight: Let me hear it all

O L I V I A

I stormed out of the place, shaking with emotions. I was overflowing with feelings. Not a single thought was rational or arranged. The painful memories from years ago insisted on plaguing my brain. I was haywire with the assault of the feeling of being betrayed, again.

There's only so much an abused, tipsy brain could handle.

"Livvy, wait up!" I heard him. I quickened my pace, wiping under my eyes to clear the evidence of my loss of control. His footsteps seemed closer.

"Leave me the fuck alone, Kai," I screamed.

"No. I have to-"

Have to?

I whipped around furiously. "Stubborn asshole, haven't you done enough!"

He stopped just a few feet in front of me, almost close enough to touch if I wanted to. That did not help my befuddled brain.

Should have kept walking.

He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Will you stop that? Why are you being that way?" 

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I questioned incredulously.

"I'm serious. I thought we were fine . . . "

"What gave you that notion?" I asked in bewilderment.

"I don't know, you didn't throw anything at me when I last showed up at your place."

He cringed the moment those words escaped his mouth, realizing how lame that sounded.

So those visits were intentional.

I had no idea what to make of that deduction or how to feel about it. That made me uneasy.

"I'll remember it in case I ever need that in the future," I snapped.

"I don't know how to make it up to you." His voice took on a desperate note.

"I'll tell you," I said helpfully, "Leave me the fuck alone!"

"Anything but that," he denied firmly.

His gaze was intense and my resolve was weakening. While the tipsy part of my brain had definitely played a role in me talking to him and getting some frustration off my chest, the vulnerability I felt inside at being subjected to the look in his eyes without my guards was unnerving. I wanted it to stop.

"Kaison," I begged in a trembling voice. I wanted to look away from those damned hazel eyes but my body wouldn't obey. "Please."

"Why can't you forgive me?" He beseeched, taking a step forward. "I swear to God, Livvy. Please?"

A small laugh escaped my mouth at that. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion and concern.

"You don't get it, do you?" I shook my head.

He looked lost. "Get what?"

His sheer cluelessness uncorked me.

"You bastard. I forgave you a long time ago!" The words exploded out of my mouth all on their own. "Even after all that you did to me, I still forgave you. Because I'm an idiot and I still love you. But you don't understand that.

"I'm mad at myself. I'm angry with myself. I hate myself. This is not about you. This is so not about you. It's about me and my inability to hate you. I hate that I loved you, I hate that you broke me and I hate that I still love you. I hate that I let you render me so weak. I hate how my heart clenches every time I see you with her. I hate that every time I look at you, I still remember what-"