Sprinkling Fling ✓

13.

I'm currently sitting on the bus with the team. We are on our way to the venue their game is at.

Their first game happened to be an away game. It is a little nerve-racking but does give me the full experience all at once. I will be thrown into the deep.

I'm sitting in the front with Coach and Matt and some other support staff, who I don't know, while the boys are sitting in the back. Gabe invited me to join them in the back, but I thought it would be better to sit here in the front, away from the team. I'm not part of the team, so I don't think I belong there sitting with them.

Del gave me a pout when I told Gabe no. But he understood it as well.

I turn around in my seat to glance at the boys sitting in the back. I kneel in the seat. so I can look properly.

My eyes scan over the group that produces most of the noise in this bus. I was expecting them to rest before the game, but apparently, they are filled with adrenaline.

When my gaze falls on Del, it doesn't take long for him to feel my stare and snap his eyes at me. From a distance, that only a few rows of seats, his eyes bore into mine.

I can see him trying to read my face, but my expression is blank. I've mastered blank expressions. Tamara used to say my face held too much emotion, so I trained myself to lose that trait.

If it's good for anything, I now have a very strong poker face, which will give nothing away.

'you ok?' I can see him ask with his eyes.

Am I okay? Not completely sure.

I give him a shrug, which makes him raise his eyebrows at me.

It is as if I'm only transparent for him. He is the only one seeing right through my bullshit, whereas others are facing a brick wall when it comes to me. He somehow always breaks through my wall.

Last night, before going to that party, I thought I had made my mind up about wanting to try things with Del now and have it just be him. But Chase still had been there in the back of my mind, creeping back inside.

That song just woke up my brain and screamed Chase at me. I think I'm scared that if this thing with Del works out—I will never have the possibility to meet Chase and try something with him. If this with Del will work out, there is a high possibility of my cutting contact with Chase because I want to stay faithful.

I feel awful for wanting both; what kind of person am I?

I never felt like this before; my ex and I just had each other that was enough for us. Until I wasn't enough anymore—Bodie wanted to move on with someone else.

But Chase and Del, I feel like I have a connection with both, they're both drawing me in, and I don't know how that is even possible. I feel allured by them in different ways, but the feeling is sort of starting to resemble the other.

Chase, I don't know that well, but we just click, you know? He gets me. But then, Del manages to make me feel warm and accepted. It is not possible to catch feelings for two persons simultaneously. Now, is it?

It's not that I'm going to change anything about the situation I am in right now. I want to spend more time with Del. I'm not going to ruin that by talking to him about the other guy again—that might be the real deal-breaker.

If I do that, it would feel like a relapse. Like Chase is the drug I just can't get enough of—craving a little taste of him—whatever I can get. I want to be strong and move forward now. I can't toy with their emotions. I have given Del so much hope now. I will let him shoot his shot with me, and see if we're compatible together.