Ruler of Your Ruh [a mafia romance ]

Chapter 8: Nerves

A week later

No, I'm not saying love is a bad thing. Love is amazing. Love is extraordinary.

I've longed for the person whose name was written next to mine 50,000 years before the sky was introduced to the sea. When I was little I would sit on the floor listening to Ammi recite the Quran and help my Bhaiya with the translation.

I would listen to the stories of the Prophets, but the one that I longed to hear over and over again was the story of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. The love he had for Khadija, the strength, and the independence that she had. The leadership that she showed. The love that he had with Aisha as well.

I would long for a love similar to theirs as I hid behind the couch as Ammi and Bahiya would read together... she never taught me.

I learned by listening to her teach others. When my cousins would come over I would tell them to recite all the prayers out loud and I would write them down till my hands were sore.

I forgive them though. I forgive all of them for how they treated me because I was born a woman. Yet, I can't find it in me to forgive them for this. For taking me away from my life. For taking my childhood away from me. What did I do to deserve this? I've asked myself the question every day since it happened.

"Samina, smile! Don't act so sad! I just know you're happy on the inside," a random auntie comes up and squishes my cheek.

Another auntie comes and pats me on the head saying, "What's with that blank expression beta? Smile!"

Truth is, I might scream if I think about anything other than what's in front of me. So like... I'm good. I'd rather have a blank expression and not scream rather than have a fake smile on my face and scream.

Katia is also here, she's currently having a conversation with my family. I look over at her and almost roll my eyes. That woman is making the most exaggerated facial expressions in the world. "WoW! ReAlLY?! I had nO Idea."

Not to be rude or anything but my parents are far too dense to notice the sarcasm and my brother doesn't dare to tell them that Katia is being dramatically sarcastic. Somehow, a slight smile forms on my lips, and I don't scream. I feel better knowing that someone I love is here for me. No matter what. I'll be there for her just as much as she is here for me.

The smile leaves my face immediately once they announce that my in-laws have arrived. That also means that he has arrived. Wich means that the ceremony is starting for real now. Crap. Crapcrapcrapcrap.

I don't know why I'm panicking. I don't know why I begin to sweat. It's not even the wedding yet. It's only the engagement party, Samina calm down. You're fine. It's fine. Actually, it's not fine because I'm going to have a panic attack right here.

It's okay though. This is normal. Is this normal? Eh, who knows. If it's not normal I'll be the first one to say it's normal. Why am I rambling to myself? Wait why am I rambling in the first place.

I focus on what's in front of me so I can get out of my chaotic mind. Welp, that was a bad idea. Now I'm looking at the faces of my soon-to-be mother, and father-in-law. I look at my hands trying to get them to stop shaking. I start to dig my nails into my skin.

They're shaking too much, I'm afraid that someone will notice. My mind is slowly going blank. My heart begins to pound.

I feel the bench that I sit on dip a bit. Right, we're about to sign the marriage contract. Ya Allah, I don't think I can do this. I can't do this.

I.

Cant.

Breathe.

My lungs feel as if they're collapsing. Sweat is flowing down my face, and everyone thinks it's just tears. Ya Allah.

One of the aunties takes my hand and places a pen in it. I take the pen as the paper is placed in front of me. I'm basically signing my life away... to some random (definitely not beautiful) man that I don't even know. Well, I didn't want to know him so it's kinda my fault if I want to know him now. Which I don't.

"Both of you sign here, and then we'll take pictures," my future mother-in-law says to the both of us.

I sigh and sign it as quickly as possible, which was very slow thanks to my hands shaking as much as they are. Then she gave it to him and he signed it oh-so gracefully. It made me want to vomit.

~❀~

After the contract was signed I clenched my hands in my lap and waited for everyone to finish with the pictures. When everyone was done Ammi came up to me, "You're doing so well Samina! You even look happy, honestly it's quite shameful to see you leave us and still look so happy!"

I blink.

Mascara has been running down my face for the past hour. HOW THE HELL DO I LOOK HAPPY TO HER?! It's fine. It's FINE. I just have to keep my cool and nod every now and then.

"I feel so very upset telling you this beta, but the wedding is going to be... In two days," she smiles at the end and pats my back, "Inshallah you are going to do amazing! I just know it! Seeing with how close you're sitting with Azim, maybe I'll have grandchildren soon!"

I think I might've misheard her completely.

~❀~

A/n: Salam everyone! Sorry for the wait! The next chapter hopefully won't take too long!