PALE BLUE EYES. kurt cobain

008

It was finally time for me to go home. I really wanted to this time. Today was boring. Of course I'd miss Frannie but that was the only downside. I was tired, sick, and famished. So, when Kurt arrived back home, I didn't stop and say hi to him or even let him know how it went. I just left wanting to get out of there. I felt bad but I hoped he'd understand. I couldn't help feeling that the only reason I was acting like this, was because of that writing I found.

"Hello?" I huffed picking up the phone when it rang later that night at home. It was Mary, she called to ask how it went these past few days.

"Don't hold back on any details. Did you talk to Kurt Cobain? What did he say?" I hated that she called him "Kurt Cobain" it sounded so weird.

"Yes, just about Frances. I don't want to sound bitchy but do you mind if I call you later. I'm not feelings so good." I said.

"Yeah, sure. See you later." Mary hung up. I sighed heavily and laid back on my bed to get a little lay in before I needed to shower and get ready for bed.

The phone rang again. And I was annoyed. So annoyed, thinking it was Mary, that I answered it with a bitchy "What, Mary?!" I instantly regretted it, and even more when I heard a laugh from the other side. His laugh.

"Mary? Is that my new nickname or something?" It was Kurt. I just died of embarrassment and tried to calm my red face. What do I even say to save myself?

"Shit, I'm so sorry. My friend Mary, the one from the coffee shop, she just called and I thought— I don't know." I held my forehead in agony.

"It's ok," Kurt assured, "I just wanted to see if you were okay. You didn't seem yourself today." Why did he have to be so sweet? Why can't I just be mad at him... wait. I was mad at him? Why was I mad? This sucked so bad.

"I'm just... not feeling good. I'm sorry if I worried you," I lied through my teeth. I so badly wanted to confront him and ask about the note I found but he'd know I was in his room, "but uh... same time tomorrow? We can catch up then?" I tried to cut this phone call short. Kurt stayed quiet for a little bit, he seemed disappointed in my answer.

"Yeah," he finally spoke up, "see you then. You're sure you're not upset?" Kurt asked nervously. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take how nice he was and I couldn't take the fact that he cared about me.

"I'm fine. Hopefully some sleep tonight will help me," I tried to sound optimistic, "I, um, I'll see you tomorrow." I felt so stupid and for some reason my heart broke. I don't know why I felt so weird about this. Was I breaking up a married couple? Me?! I couldn't.

"Okay." I could hear his tone lace with sadness. I felt horrible but hung up the phone and smushed my face into my pillow. Oh god, why was this happening to me? Why couldn't I have just stayed at the diner? Away from any rockstars marriages. And why did a I dream about me and Kurt that next night.

♡

That next morning, I begged myself to call and say I was sick. But I couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to leave Frances or Kurt, I felt a pull to them. It might be selfish but I couldn't help it. It took everything in me to knock on that door the next morning. I mean everything. I stood with my feet together and breathed deeply. I was met with that face, those eyes, that smile.

"Hey, glad you could make it." I looked at him a little funnily. How could he have possibly sensed I didn't want to come today... or maybe I'm overthinking this. I needed to calm down. His expression softened and he invited me inside like he normally does. I rushed to the living room to find Frannie's crib. Only this time, she wasn't in it.

"Oh," I softly said, "where's my favorite girl?" I laughed looking at Kurt. He shoved his hands in his pockets and smiled at the comment I made. He looked a little nervous, guilty even, embarrassed. I waited patiently for an explanation.

"She's with my mom in Aberdeen. Courtney's out in New York with Eric. They're playing a few shows. I guess I was lonely." He nervously explained. I felt a little angry inside, how could he expect me to keep him company? All we had was a professional relationship, that's all we should have. So I didn't know why I felt like he was my best friend.

"Oh," I reacted duly, "why's Frances with your mother? Visiting?" I tried to make small talk and not address what he was implying. I knew I couldn't, I'd feel so guilty if I gave into my heart and fell for him.

"Yeah," Kurt said, "she doesn't see her much, so I thought... why not. Ya know?" He lamely said. I nodded, understanding him. I felt something coming up, like I was going to throw up, but it wasn't throw up. It was words. Words I'd been wanting to say since yesterday and they just came out. I'd never thoughtlessly spoke before, not like this. I was ashamed.

"What are we?" I blurted out. Again, I was so ashamed. How could I ever ask that question? We weren't anything. Anything at all. It was foolish to think we were anything. I was completely embarrassed, completely in the wrong, I wanted to disappear.

"I- I don't know," Kurt said, "I have feelings for you, Rory. I feel so much for you. I don't think I can handle being without you. I'm serious." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was right. I was breaking up a marriage. How could I do this? And why did I want to say those words back? Fuck it. I had to get it out.

"Me too, Kurt. Ever since you walk into the the diner, I've been non stop thinking about you. I thought I was crazy since you're married, but I'm just... crazy about you." I spilled everything hoping he'd understand. Hoping I hadn't spilled too much. Or too little. I just wanted him.

"I- I don't know what to do. I've been wanted to leave Courtney for awhile now. You were my push. I just want you." He bit his lip nervously. I couldn't believe I was feeling the same things as him. But I felt horrible for Courtney, and with her reputation... who knows what she'd do to me.

"I want you," I said, "and I love Frances. I just cant help but think this is crazy."

"It is crazy, Rory. But damn it I'm crazy. About you. And I need someone for Frances. She needs you." This was insane, but in a good way.

"I- I don't know what to say." I truthfully said.

"Nothing. Just..." it went silent for awhile and then Kurt slid his hand on the side of my cheek lovingly and finally it happened. What I'd been dreaming about... he kissed me. And I kissed back. I kissed a married man. And it felt right.