PALE BLUE EYES. kurt cobain

009

The next days were tough. I still went to his house on the days I was scheduled to watch Frannie and it hurt so bad to see him with Courtney. It was hell trying not to react when they'd kiss or hug or exchange "I love you's" I was selfish, sure. But I wanted him to tell me he loved me, not Courtney. I've really gone off the deep end.

On one of my days off, I called Mary over since we barely saw each other anymore. She was my best friend, and I'd felt a little bad forgetting about her for a week. I'm tempted to tell her about Kurt, whatever the thing was we had going on. But she was like in love with him so I didn't know how it would blow over.

"Hey, girl!" Mary barged into my house, I didn't mind. I always told her she could come and go as she pleases, I did give her a key after all. I smiled when I saw her, my best friend. God she was gorgeous. I was so lucky to have her in my life.

"Mary, I missed you." I said patting the seat next to me. I decided I would tell her. She would never say anything to anyone and I knew she wouldn't be jealous. It's Mary, my best friend.

"I missed you too! Tell me everything, please." She referred to my job. She loved hearing about it, she did in fact get it for me. I would forever appreciate her for that, I'll tell you. It was at that moment that I started wondering if I should tell her, I kept going back and forth.

"Okay," I started, "you cannot make this a big deal. You cannot tell anyone. You cannot freak out, scream, cry or any of the above." Mary looked at me like I was crazy from my sudden outburst. But I had to make that a point to tell her this.

"Woah, okay. You're scary me." She folded her arms suspiciously.

"I'm serious," I stood up and begun pacing the room, "this is huge, this is bad. I am a horrible person. If you don't want to be my friend after this, I understand." I said beginning to become nervous. Mary just looked at me with nervousness. She'd never seen me this serious in my life, I'm sure.

"Just say it!" She yelled out of anticipation.

"I kissed him." I softly said, turning away from her. I couldn't look her in the eyes after saying that, I just couldn't. It was too much. It was too silent. She didn't say a word to me, so I slowly turned around. Mary looked like she'd just been possessed or something.

"Mary?" I quietly asked hoping she was already.

"You what?!" She exclaimed hopping off the bed and pacing the room like a maniac. I put my head in my hands and repeated my statement. I kissed him. She was panting practically. I couldn't believe her reaction.

"You kissed Kurt Cobain?! Kurt. Cobain?!" Mary was yelling like she was mad. I put my hand over her mouth and shushed her. Who knows who was listening or could hear. Anyone. And it only took one person hearing for everyone else to.

"Yes." I said.

"Oh my fucking God! What? When? Where? How? What happened? Was Courtney Love there? Wait, Rory... he's married! What the fuck is going on?!" I understood Mary's outburst. This was crazy. Absolutely crazy. And it was my fault.

"Mary," I began, "you are my best friend. I trust you with this information," Mary nodded, "I snooped. In his room, one day. I found a couple of scratch pieces of paper and on one of them he wrote 'I want to offer her my life, and I don't mean my wife' and so I immediately freaked out. I just blurted it out, Mary. I asked him what we were, what was going on. He told me he was crazy about me, that he wants to leave Courtney, and that Frances needs me. I didn't know what to think, and then he kissed me." I talked about 100 miles a minute. But I needed to get it out. I needed to tell someone.

"You're not joking." She observed. I shook my head.

"I'm serious." I assured her.

"Well, fuck. What are you gonna do?!" Mary was now calm, which I appreciated.

"I don't know," I truthfully said, "I think I'm in love with him, Mary. And he obviously feels the same way. I just wish he wasn't married. This could've been a whole lot easier." I was beginning to feel sad. I just wanted Kurt. I wanted someone who I couldn't have right now. And as much as it was a bad thing to do, I would spend the rest of my life sneaking around with him.

"I can't believe this. But I'm happy for you, Lorelei. Even if he is married. Be patient. They may divorce, you said he wanted to. How do you know he won't?" Mary asked.

"Because. I don't think he could hail a taxi cab by himself. He's so timid, so nervous all the time. I want to help him, but I don't know how." I explained.

"Nervous? He literally plays in front of a million people." Mary pointed out.

"It's different." I shrugged.

"Look at you," Mary smiled, "you got a rockstar to fall in love with you."

"Oh stop. I hardly view him that way." I shrugged her off. Mary just laughed and laid back on the bed. I couldn't believe I told her, but it was nice having support. Real nice. It was just weird.

"So you kissed, but did you..."

"No!" I shouted at her with a small laugh. It was a shocked laugh, an I can't believe you laugh.

"I had to ask." She shrugged.

"Please, don't tell anyone." I got serious again.

"You have my word, hon." Mary threw her arms around me.