PALE BLUE EYES. kurt cobain

010

My phone rang a couple hours later. I braced myself. It could always be Kurt and I, in fact, am always hopping it is. I love talking to him. I love his voice.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Rory." It was him. I smiled like an idiot and clutched the phone tighter out of excitement. Oh god, I was bad. Real bad. How could I do this?

"Kurt, hi. How are you?" I asked twirling the phone cord around my finger.

"Alright," he answered, "I, uh, I miss you." I knew Kurt didn't like things like this. He was an awkward person who was very into the mellow side of things. I didn't want to make it a big deal to risk embarrassing him. So I kept it cool.

"I miss you too." I softly said. Leaving it at that and only that.

"Guess what, I'm gonna be home for 3 months. Can you believe it? 3 whole months." I felt so happy hearing that. I'm glad he could be with Frances for awhile, it was good for both of them. He always feared he was going to fail her, but that just couldn't happen. I knew it couldn't.

"Well, what's great," I smiled radiantly, "guess you won't need me?" I asked more joking than not. I heard a snicker from the other line and it made me brighten. I loved making him laugh. It was my new hobby.

"Not necessarily," he said, "we could still see each other. Maybe, I'll take Frances to the park and you could happen to be there at the same time." I hummed a laugh at, though Courtney entered my mind immediately. She was haunting me. The fact that Kurt was married haunted me.

"Of course... just happen to be there." I decided to go with it.

"Do you wanna come over? Courtney isn't here." Kurt asked finally. It was like he braced himself to say that. I felt so bad for him, he was always so nervous to do certain things. But I was proud when he did.

"Sure," I tried not to sound too excited, "now?"

"Whenever you can." Kurt said with a mellow tone.

"I'll be over." I smiled before hanging up. I quickly raced around my house to find clothes and my purse. I was so excited to see him again. And I was hopeful he'd kiss me again. I know it's awful of me to say, okay? But I did. I was completely in love with Kurt and I wasn't afraid to tell myself that.

♡

"Look who's here, Frannie?" I immediately went to her crib when I arrived. It was just habit, I loved her so much. I could sit with her all day, everyday. It was my favorite thing to do, ever. I'd sit with her my whole life if I could.

"Hi, baby. I missed you." I said softly leaning on her crib and sighing softly with a smile radiating down on her. Her joyous, young squeals made me just beam. She was my favorite person. Other than her father of course. Now he was gold. He was one of a kind.

"She missed you too." Kurt said leaning against the doorframe. I quickly stood up from my position over Frances's crib and walked over to Kurt with a big grin. He was smiling a little bit, though most of the time I think he means to smile but just doesn't. He looks bored a lot but I think it's just how he is.

"I missed you too." I whispered taking my coat off and hanging it on the rack. Kurt hummed a laugh and looked at my intently. His eyes were so intense, it was hard to look away. They were my favorite shade of blue. To my surprise, he begun to wrap his arms around me. And it wasn't the awkward, indecisive way Kurt normally does things. It was strong and intended. I just melted into Kurt's arms, hugging him back. There it was. That feeling. Of complete comfort, bliss and safety. I knew then and there that Kurt was my person.

"Can we get serious for a moment?" Kurt asked pulling away. I nodded, batting my eyes innocently. He sighed softly and pondered what to say. I didn't blame him, there wasn't many ways to start conversation about us, "I really like you, Rory. I'm just nervous about all this stuff. I wish we would've found each other earlier. I wish things could've been different for us, Rory." Kurt bit his lip. I felt pain. I knew exactly what he meant and it tore me apart.

"I like you too, Kurt. You're just... perfect." I said brushing some of his blonde hair out of his beautiful ocean eyes.

"I'm far from it. That's what I want to talk to you about. Rory... you don't want me. I can't give you the life you deserve, I can't give you anything you deserve." I felt my heart drop. I didn't know what he was saying or implying. I didn't know what to think. Or say.

"Kurt, that's not true. You're everything I've ever wanted." I softly look away hoping I didn't just embarrass myself. I heard him pause and then sigh a sigh of defeat. I felt sick. I hoped he wasn't doing what I thought he was doing. But my hope was thinning.

"Rory, there's things you don't know. Things I don't want you to know. Things I need to protect you from. I know you don't understand, but you have to trust me. I don't deserve you." I felt tears well in my eyes and I fought them off as much as I could. I would not risk embarrassing myself again by crying like the baby I am.

"But you deserve Courtney? Kurt she treats you like shit, and you're gonna stay with her? Because you're scared?" I didn't mean to come off harsh, but I was just breaking. I was cracking under pressure and I didn't want this to be true.

"I don't know what to say to you, Rory. I wish so badly I could give you everything you need. I can't. You don't want me. I can't do this to you. I can't do it, Rory. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." Kurt looked like he was about to cry. But I couldn't feel bad for him.

"Well, maybe you should've thought that through before I fucking fell in love with you." I cried beginning to release my tears. And a couple seconds later, they spilled down my cheeks like waterfalls. My mascara was being pulled with them, staining my cheeks black. I panicked. I grabbed my coat, my purse my keys, I tried to leave.

"Rory, please don't go." Kurt whispered. I didn't even bother to turn around before slamming the door and leaving him.