Please Don't Leave Me... (Intersex X Girl)

Dad, why are you here!? (Ch. 16)

Tw: Mentions of Self Harm, S**cide, Depression, Mental, Physical, and Dr*g Abuse.
Also, this is a long chapter, you're welcome 💜💜💜

Cassie

What did he mean this whole place would go up in flames? Why does he want to see me now after what he did? He made me take drugs, I got addicted and then he tried to send me to rehab. That's one of the reasons why I ran away in the first place.

I originally lived in Oregon, but that was until 2 years ago. The main reason I left was when he forced me to take cocaine and ecstacy. I still never knew why and I dont think I do. But after I took the drugs, he would verbally and physically abuse me. It got to the point where I attempted to end my own life, but if course it didn't work. So I decided to move to Chicago to find new people and finally get some friends. I met Spencer and he was such a sweetheart to me, still is. I would probably be dead already if he wasn't there for me.

And now Bella is here and shes also helping, well kind of. Now that my dad is here all my happiness and confidence that she gave me went out of the window. I thought I could finally be happy, that something would change. But it doesn't seem like it.

"Bella, geh und führe Cassie in den Keller. Destiny ist da und wird sie beschützen." [Bella, go lead Cassie to the basement, Destiny is there and is going to protect her.] Henry quickly said. I still dont understand the language but whatever- wait, IN THE BASEMENT? WITH HEMORRHOID HUMAN? HELPPPPPPPP!

☆☆☆

I didn't have a choice because next thing I know I was in the basement with Destiny. There was a heavy awkward silence. Hell, if someone let out the most silent noise ever, you would still be able to hear it.

"Do you know how to use a gun?" She asked me.
I am not taking out my own dad, I'll leave that up to Bella.

"Yes I do."

More silence.

"So is that guy actually your father or was he just saying that?"

"Sadly, yeah he is."

"Oh honey, can I hug you" HELP THE HEMORRHOIDS ARE GONNA SPREAD!

"NO DON'T PLEASE UHH I HATE PHYSICAL TOUCH!"

She instantly backed away. And now it was GODDAMN awkward again. Until there was banging on the basement door. Destiny grabbed a shotgun and gave me a glock. We were fuckin ready for who ever decided to open this door. We looked fine as hell bitch.

The door opened and my heart stopped.

It was my dad.

"Can I shoot him?" Destiny asked me, shes actually kind of nice. "No, I want to talk to him, I need some answers, could you wait outside or something?" And she walked out. Just leaving me and him.

As soon as the door closed he said, "Look at you, all grown up and pretty." This man made me hang myself, take drugs, and hurt me and this is the first thing he says when he sees me again.

"Don't say that to me. All you ever did after mom died was hurt me, and yell at me like it was my fault. I called her because I was getting bullied, but you didn't care. You didn't see what I had to see. You didn't have to see your own fucking parent get murdered right in front of you! Oh, and if I remember correctly, when I tried to tell you, you were drunk! You never fucking cared for us and now you want to come to my job, threaten to bomb the place, and then say your happy to see me like nothing happened? I fucking ha- no I fucking despise you. When I look at you, I cant look at you how I used to. I used to want to be like you, to act like you, because parents are supposed to be good role models for their kids to follow, but you were and still are the worst person I have ever met in my entire fucking life. You never helped me when I tried to kill myself. All you ever did was say that it was my fault I was feeling depressed, that I make my life as stressful as I want. But it's not true. I didn't expect her death to affect me as it did, and if I could go back in time, hell I would gladly save her. I would die for her and I realize that now. I want to die because of how much I fucking miss her. And you don't realize that. You never realized how gaslighting, or manipulative you are. And as I grew up i realized that. It didn't hit me until 5 years later. 10 years old and I was fucking depressed. I would play sad songs in front of you and you didn't care. I didn't even realize that was a cry for help myself but it was. At 10 years old I was cutting myself, at 10 years old I was just learning about how bad life is, I was just learning about how shitty this world is and how much I hated it here. About how fucking pathetic living is. You say that I asked to be here, but all you had to do was wear a condom or fucking pull out. I never asked for this, and if I did then I fucking regret it. I thought it was getting better. I thought I would be happy, but it just went downhill again. I barely slept at all last year, I wore the same clothes, I didnt est much or I would overeat, before I dropped out and my grades were bad you just told me to get them up and didn't ask how I was doing. You never did, and if you did all you fucking did was blame the internet. Because you don't want to believe that your child isn't perfect, that she isnt depressed, that she isn't fighting to stay on this earth every fucking day. You just want to believe shes your perfect little angel who is so happy to be alive, who has never hurt herself, when you read my messages and sae I was talking about killing myself. You never cared. And one day if I randomly disappear, it's your fault. Not mine. I never planned to be this sad, I never wanted to be this sad. I neve asked for this. When I was little I always wanted to be an astronaut, or a future Ariana Grande, or someone who could change the world. Now I dont even know if I will be alive tomorrow. I really with I could see my future, because fuck I am so scared because i know I'm gonna fuck my life up and wont be able to do anything about it. I know that you love me, but if I can't feel that affection then it never has felt like it. There is a difference dad. Telling someone you live them, anyone can do. But when you give that person the love too, they will feel it, and they will feel comfortable with sharing their thoughts because they don't think they will get judged. They will feel comfortable around you and wont get bothered when you are just around them doing nothing. They will feel at ease and wont isolate themselves and be called lazy for it. They won't lay in bed all day doing nothing because they are lazy. The laziness is called Depression. And you never realized that I fucking had it. So one day if I kill myself, don't say you should have done better then. You had so much time to fix it and you never did. So much time to correct your mistakes, but you blame everyone else around you for your mistakes. You rarely ever blame yourself and that's what sucks, because I feel like everything is my fault now days. I dont wanna understand sad songs and know the pain they hold. I don't want that. I want to be happy with someone who shows me love and can be there for me. I shouldn't have to go online to find people who care for me more than in real life. I shouldn't have to. So no. It wasn't her who made me feel sad and I have realized that. It's you. And the fucking trauma I have been through. And I just realized that and it fucking sucks. Because everyone says I'm lucky to have you and I know I am but it sucks so much because they also don't see what happens behind closed doors. I just want to be happy again. I want to feel like I matter again. It hurts so much. I wish I wasnt here anymore. You have this perfect vision that I'm just happy and perfect and pretty. I feel like a burden all the time. I feel ugly, I feel sad, I feel like everything about me sucks. I hate my voice, my eye color, my hair, my skin, everything about me. I just need someone to reassure me and for me to feel that reassurance otherwise it does nothing. And the fact I always get blamed for everything and that I hide hurts so bad. I don't want to put this pain on someone else because of the problems YOU caused. I don't want to live anymore if it means this is my life now. I used to be so innocent hell I had a perfect image of my future life. Now I dont even know what I'm gonna do tomorrow. I see my future as a tombstone or me being homeless or in jail. I used to be so innocent and not have a care in the world. And then everything starred to click and my brain just fucking melted. I was supposed to be the good kid, the one who was always smiley and happy. But both of ur kids might be depressed and you dont fucking know that. I'm not gonna speak for my brother but hell I did hear him talking one day and it sounds like hes going through some shit too. You raised us so horribly but so good at the same time. It hurts knowing that I'm not the old me. And how people realize that besides you. It sucks how my mom was more there for me then you and was coming home drunk everyday. I hated that and I still do. I miss her. I wanted her to stop drinking and smoking. I wanted you to stop buying alcohol and cigarettes for her. I wanted you to help her, but you never did. Except when she was drunk with a cigarette in hand, you would either argue with her or offer her weed right then and there. You never helped her. And like 10 years ago that would be a joke where we would tell her to stop smoking and drinking. But it was really never a joke. So the next time you wanna come into my life, you better have yourself figured out or I never want to see you ever again. You have made me so fucking miserable without realizing that. The amount of breakdowns I have had I cant count. You made my life hell without realizing it. So stay out of my life until you come up with a hell of a good apology. I can't stand the pain anymore. It's gone to too much where I'm gonna try to end it again soon but I'm so scared of ehats gonna happen after death that I'm too scared to even try and commit. Come back to me when you figure your fucking life out. I'm tired of waiting. Goodbye."

♡♡♡

Kind of got a little personal and carried away with that, but it felt good
2,001 words during that whole sequence.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee