Silver Lining / PJM

3. Blue

Trigger warning. This chapter includes talk of suicide, assault and violent subject matter. Read at your own risk.

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I stood in front of the roaring waves as my feet sunk into the wet black sand. Sharp shell fragments hitting the sides of them as I stepped forward.
"Nobody would miss you." I heard the sneering voice call to me. "You are nothing, you've always been nothing!" I stepped forward again, feeling the salt water rise to my ankles now. The pain was too much, the empty void getting bigger. "Nobody loves you Athena."
Water began to rise around me more as I continued to go further and further in. Water now at my waist, I pushed off from the sand below me and swam forward into the pitch black water. "You won't be missed, nobody loves you." I heard the voice call again. "I know." I muttered as tears began to fall down my flushed cheeks. I swam and swam til my arms got tired and I could barely see the shore any longer. "I'm sorry mom, I wish I could've been better. I wish I could've made you proud of me."
I stopped swimming as the last tears fell down my reddened and solemn face. I took a deep breath and pushed myself below the surface.

"BABE!!! Athena, ATHENA!!!! It's okay, please. Please stop screaming!!!! I'm here!!! It's me, it's Clara!!"

Running full speed into my room, Clara jumped on the bed and swooped me into her arms. I woke up screaming and grabbing my throat as I felt my lungs burning. "I'm choking!! I'm fucking choking!!"
"Babe breathe, you're okay! It was just a dream! I'm here." I opened my eyes, still clutching my neck and chest as I stared up at my bawling friend in front of me. Her eyes widened in fear, face red and frozen. "Omg, Clara! I'm so sorry!" I began to sob falling into her arms. "I thought it was r-real, I thought I w-was g-one." I choked out. Clara reached down and wiped a tear from my eye as she kissed the top of my head. "You're safe now, it's okay. Was it the same one? The suicide?" She pulled me up off her chest to ask.

"Yes." I sniffled, falling back into sobs. "I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just want to be normal!" I grabbed her sweatshirt and balled my fists so tight they turned white against it. "Please don't leave me, please." I cried out.

"Never." She brushed the hair from my face. "Come on, move over! I'll be the big spoon. It's still nighttime." I moved over to let her crawl into bed with me as I continued to bawl. Once I began to calm myself down and tears began to dry on my red flushed cheeks, I checked the time on my table. "4:47 am." I sighed, "fuck im sorry for waking you up."
Clara wrapped her arms around me and snuggled into my neck, "Shhh, don't worry about that love, just try to go back to sleep."

I laid my head back down on my pillow feeling the sweat drip down my chest, my eyes getting heavy again as I fell slowly back into a deep sleep.

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I stood in my bathroom mirror that afternoon with my hair tied up in a loose bun. I looked at my swollen puffy eyes and my red cheeks from crying. I took each brown contact out and placed them in their case on my counter.  There staring back at me was a shell of a woman I once knew. My blonde hair reflecting against the bathroom light as the roots began to show, my skin lacklustre and dull. My eyes told a story nobody had heard of, a story about my past that was engraved in me. I looked at the bright silver specks floating around my iris in my right eye, watching them dance together but were never stopping. Silver so bright it matched the moon. It made me look different, scary and like a monster. I was taunted most of my life for being different, for being weird, for being me.
I never wanted many friends or to be popular, I just wanted to be myself. After losing my parents and adjusting to a world wind of a life with Julia, I just got used to the chaos. I felt that I needed it to survive. But I was never good enough for anyone but her, but isn't that what a mothers job was? To love no matter what? I was doomed from the start.