16. Your mind the worst enemy

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JUST BECAUSE I DON'T SHOW IT.

DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T FEEL IT.

⚠️ Suciadal thought and self harm ⚠️

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⚠️ Suciadal thought and self harm ⚠️

Time cures everything.

Is said by those who haven't suffered in life. I've heard that thousands of time but have I healed? Have been cured?

Every night it's the same. I have nightmares after nightmares because of my PTSD but I still want to sleep. Because sleep is the only thing I love.

After what I first experienced at 5. My clock stopped. There was nothing that could help me escape that place. It was as if everything stopped in that moment. I felt so much pain and a ton of other emotions that I just froze completely.

My mind shut down. But my body was still working.

People think that my life is a dream. That I was treated like a princess all my life.

That's just bullshit. I've suffered behind closed doors. But no one knows that. All the see is a girl who's perfect. Got everything she ever wanted and any girl wished for.

Why aren't you grateful that you got everything you wanted? Was one of the things I got asked ever since I was 8.

I was a traumatised child. I was broken hundreds of times just so people would be pleased and satisfied with me breaking down each time.

They weren't the ones who took up beating everyday and was raised into being a fucking doll who'd follow rules and a killing machine that didn't have a heart to even care for anything.

Every time I see a little happy kid, I feel so anger. It's this anger that's always been in the pit of my stomach and would never go away. Cause I knew I never was happy as a kid. I never got to be carefree.

Instead, I got all this expectations that was like a weight put on my shoulders. The eyes wanted me to be perfect. Perfect at everything.

I was barely a child when I given a gun and told to shoot a man who was on his knees, pleading for his life.

I was a child when I was whipped just because I didn't know any manners when sat on the dinner table.

I was a child when I got put on all this weight that I'd never wished for anyone to have. No one should've been through what I went through.

I had to go nights without sleep just because I was afraid that the demons under my bed would get to me when really, the demons were disguised as humans.

I believed them when they told me that I'd get everything I've ever wanted. A father and mother's love.

I didn't know I was making a promise with the devil himself. I was a naive kid and only was five. I didn't know that everything had consequences. That I would have to pay the price later.

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