"I despise you so fucking much that I want you to be sent off to the other side of the world, Athena." He takes his last step, his front pressing against my back, pushing my pelvis into the counter. "But I also need you as much as the air that I bre...
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You'd think that once the operation is over, all the weight that was resting on our shoulders would be transformed into either relief or disappointment. In reality, when an operation goes wrong, the disappointment only lasts for a short while and then guilt takes over everything we have, feel, and are. The moment you take off your mask, wash your hands, and open the door leading out of the OR, everything is a blur, sounds drowned out by the memory of the monitor's flat line.
I press my back against the wall and let myself slide down to the ground. I sit there, my head against the wall my legs extend in front of me. I see other people coming out of the OR and someone sits next to me. I know right away it's Lily. She was taking care of this patient with me.
"It's not our fault." She whispers to me. And I know that, but I will never be able to be like Lily. "Page me when you're ready to talk to the family." She never seems affected by those losses. While I, on the other hand, never forget.
I bring my knees up and rest my forearms on them, closing my eyes for just a moment.
Clamp.
It's not working.
Blood.
I can't see anything.
Suction.
Come on!
Time of death...
I groan and let my head fall forward. "I should've been better." When I pass my hands in my hair, I feel my heart clench. I feel like I've ruined an entire family. Which I did. She had kids. And a husband. And I killed her.
I didn't. I couldn't save her it's different.
Then why does it feel the same?
I take in multiple deep breaths, but it doesn't help at all. The lump in my throat won't leave and I still need to talk to the family. I need to tell them the worst news of their lives and see them break down while staying composed and strong for them. I am so tired.
I no longer understand the meaning of my future. I no longer understand the meaning of my studies. I'm on my way to becoming one of the best, if not the best, but my emotions are chasing me like a monster in a bad dream that you can't wake up from.
─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Walking into this waiting room seems like the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. Every time. The worst moment is when the family sees you and you can see through the worries, sadness, and tiredness, the inevitable hope in their eyes. It is like a punch in the face because they trusted you.
I'm about to take away their life, their home, and there is nothing I can do to stop it because it's already done. She already codded. The blood is already lost. She is already not breathing anymore. She's already gone.
