Dead Boy Walking (Puke)(PercyxLuke)

You Don't Deserve To Live

Percy

That's how the next few weeks went. It was until three weeks later that Luke and I were talking and we started walking around, and ended out by the stream where I was claimed. The first time in my life where I ever felt worthy of something had been here. At the stream. When I was claimed by Poseidon.

It was random stuff we'd talk about and it was one thing after another and then suddenly he just asked me.

"Percy, are you suicidal?"

The question came to me as such a shock because nobody had ever cared enough to ask before. Nobody really ever noticed it, I guess. And I don't know why he would, I didn't act any different around Luke than I did others here. Hell, Grover was clueless and he was my best friend's. My mom was and she's my mom.

For a few seconds I couldn't even speak. Nobody had ever been able to figure me out like that before. Nobody.

"Why do you ask?" I was still in shock when I asked. How Luke said it, he made it sound like a natural thing. We'd hung out every day. It wasn't until now that he mentioned anything close to this.

He shrugged.

"Just how you are." The son of Hermes tried to explain. "I've done the research before, for the Apollo cabin. You know, you hate talking about yourself. When you do, you make it sound like you're some type of terrible person that doesn't have the ability to understand anything. You talk about some things such as life like it's a joke, and you carry foundation with you. Either you're just really messed up, or you want to kill yourself. And neither of those things are good, Percy. If you actually believe the shit that comes of your mouth—"

He stopped himself as I kind of just... I gave up, you know? I hold a wall up to everyone, my friends, my family, even to myself sometimes, and I gave up and let it down.

I didn't even realize I was crying until Luke said something about it.

"Percy, are you alright?"

He sounded so worried, like he genuinely cared about my well-being. As a human, as his friend even though I really didn't deserve the title. Luke even sounded a little scared.

"You're right," my voice quivered as it escaped my throat. "I... Hate myself, I've wanted to kill myself for so long, but I've never had the nerve to do it. You're the only person to really notice. Or to notice enough to ask."

I wiped away my tears.

"Seriously?" Luke questioned. "Half of the crap that come out of your mouth is putting you down. How doesn't anyone notice?"

I shrugged.

"They don't care to think that somebody like me," I reasoned. "Somebody who is tall, good looking, who the ladies like. I'm fit, I have a nice family. They don't think that somebody like that can also be somebody that thinks about suicide and the fact that life just sucks. And it's only here that people think that about me. I go anywhere else, and I'm automatically looked down on for no fucking reason. I just walk in and there's something about me that screams I don't matter."

I didn't move, but Luke came over and gave me a hug. I just felt dead inside, and for somebody to make contact with me was weird. It's not really often that somebody will actually touch me. And usually, I hate being touched. I hate human contact. I can't stand hugs. But he hugged me and I didn't care because he was warm. I'm freezing. If I felt like it, I'm not sure, but that's what it's like when you feel dead. There's nothing there. It's a void that just hurts and it's a cold stinging sensation. You're hollow is what it is.

Hollowed, hurt, and heaving.

Hugging me from behind, I could hear his voice right in my right ear.

"But you do matter," Luke said exactly what I expected him to say. "You know that right?'

That's a complicated question.

"I mean..." I answered with little confidence. "Like, I know to others I do, because I help people out a lot but like when it comes to self worth..."

"Well you do." He finished my answer for me, resting his head on my back. "You're an amazing person, Percy. I'm glad you were around when I left."

"Thanks."

"I mean it." Luke insisted. "Just because you don't believe it, doesn't mean it isn't the truth. You're nice and you care about others even when you should be worrying about yourself. Just because you're not the smartest kid in school doesn't mean you're actually an idiot. I know Annabeth gives you a lot of crap, most of camp does, and they don't realize how personally you take it. Which is their loss. But what they call you Is a bunch of bullshit, Percy. If you can last two wars, four quests or maybe more, and Tartarus, you have to be smart on some sort of level. You can't do that on luck. You just can't."

I remained silent and so did he for another twenty minutes.

"I get asking," I point out to the son of Hermes as he was still hugging me from behind. Just comfortable. "But why would you full out research suicide?"

"Oh, um..." Luke started, rubbing his thumb against the area between the thumb and pointer. "Before I ran away, I had this friend. He was really nice, and we had been really close. I stayed at his house most of the time because I refused to run away if he wouldn't come with me. And uh, one day I went there after school, his Mom called him in sick, she was at work, and he was in his bedroom, handing from a rope tied to the ceiling. He killed himself and I freaked out and left and I just threw some clothes in a bag I kept at his house of my stuff and I haven't been to that town since."

Luke paused for a moment and I felt terrible to ask him in the first place.

"That scared the shit out of me." He was honest about it, though. "My best friend killed himself and I had no clue that he was having troubles. That he was depressed and suicidal. I didn't have the nerve to go to the funeral. It was open casket, I couldn't do it. By then I was three states over, though. Had already met Thalia by then."

"I thought you ran away because of your mom," I added on. That's the story he told everyone. He hated his mom, he didn't want to be involved with her.

"No, she's just what kept me at bay." Luke explained. "She's why I don't go back. That and I don't want to go there and see his mom and dad and think to myself that it was their kid. Maybe one day. When I'm older and I've moved on more. But I came here and one of the first things I looked up was depression and suicide and that worried Chiron and I explained to him what happened. He helped me a lot. Hades was nice about it after my quest. He let me say an actual goodbye to him..."

By now it was obvious Luke had been tearing up. And I rubbed his hand a little bit for comfort as he just hugged tighter.

We both needed it, though. That was for damn sure.