Female ✔️

21: my truths

"Don't! Don't touch me!" My voice is hoarse from screaming and crying. Weak and messy, I have reduced myself to nothing. Within the second month already, the life is being sucked out of me. Everything is falling to pieces. I want to shift, I want to have this pup as a wolf, not a human girl.

"No. Bambi, don't. Please. You know we won't get you back if you shift. You know it. Don't do this." Alpha snarls, holding my shoulders despite my orders. My voice isn't the same as it was weeks before. I am losing myself. And he, the ever powerful male, is taking away my one true right. "You're right at that point where you cannot shift back. Shifting is risky for your pup's life by now too."

"I know what is good for my pup." I snarl out, a rabid wolf, even though I am actually clueless.

"No." He grunts, letting go of me and sitting back on his heels. "You don't. That's why  I'm here."

I look to Jack, across the den area where I've begun to nest. This small room has become mine. He leans against the door frame, buff arms folded over his toned chest. I can see it in him, he's changing in response to my defenseless state. In a way, it's sick. But more so, sweet. I see something different when I look at him now. I see mistakes, and I see good memory. But nothing more. Our connection flops like a fish out of the comforting support of the sea.

Even though we haven't kissed mouth on mouth in awhile, he still holds me and tucks my head beneath his chin like he always had before. Still presses delicate kisses to my temple. Actions and gestures that make my stomach churn with unease and misplacement. The male that I once thought was mine even brought down his record player and set it up by my place in the corner of the couch. Surrounded by blankets and dim light. Jack helped me shut out the outdoors I cannot stand for their fear of shift now, and instead create a den. Jack had helped me the whole way, he's a good wolf.

For once in my life, I am physically unable to go outside. I am not allowed. Restrained. It's killing me, slowly. Draining the color from my cheeks, hollowing my spirit.

You always look more alive when you return from the forest.

Efforts that are kind and caring, but material and forced. Why would any male in their right mind stay with the female he impregnated when their destined waits at the door?

"I just want to get out of here." I say with finality, not meeting eyes. I'm not even sure if I mean this room or this pack.

"Dad, will you give us a second?" Jack speaks up, voice gentle, as if approaching a dangerous predator. It strikes a nerve within me. Lately I am irritable and moody, left alone to dwell and rub my belly. On the inside, I just want someone to hold me. Someone who is all mine and no one else's. I would want them to realize that too. Instead, I tried to steal. I haven't even talked to his mate yet, haven't even apologized for everything I've done.

Not a good wolf.

I don't look up as John walks out, leaving a palpable tension in his wake. Eyes, darting back and forth, don't find Jack's as he sits beside me.

"You need to eat, Tana." He says with a sigh, but his voice remains firm. I merely shake my head, but I don't pull away as he lifts my wrist to eye level, looking over the slender limb. He places it back in my lap gently. "I still love you. You're still my female, I can't regret anything."

"Don't." Choppy, done, my simple reply. "I'm not your female, Jack."

"I do love you, and you are. This is killing me. Looking at you I don't see the strong female from before the Solstice. I don't see you at all. Don't let go of all you have worked so hard for. If you aren't thinking of me, or even this pup... Think about your old pack. What if another female is being discriminated, tortured, bullied, put down... Right now? Who's to say that isn't happening? Who is going to stop those males?"