Female ✔️

22: the call to return

Days followed my revelations to the Alpha as if I were nonexistent. I had cleaned up the den and retreated to my room with an air of finality. A final resting place. The chunk of space was so unlike me yet somehow it became me. Or I became it. Strange to think that I have never stayed indoors so long until now.

As if sitting in front of the open window for hours on end makes me a chair or maybe the windowsill itself. I can tolerate again. Jack set up a record player, my favorite record on tap. A few nights ago, he tried to kiss my cheek but I tilted my head and his lips caught my hair. Then he was gone, like the breeze that blows in. But now, it is tinged with fall, I can smell it. Dressed in subtle bonfire smoke and cooled rain on granite stones.

Alpha comes by, a few times a day. Sometimes he will say a few words, other times he would say nothing. I almost thought he was checking if I was still alive.

I think my mate story made him angry. Not only had I left my mate willingly, I hadn't even tried in the first place. In his eyes, I was taking him for granted. A gift he was unlucky enough to no longer possess. Guilt consumed me, before I recalled the extents of Blu's ways and don't feel bad anymore.

My life.

And I have begun to feel nothing.

I know of his real story, the rumors my pack spreads about his killing habits after the death of his mate and first son... All untrue, just words. That's how the Southern pack works; they talk and talk. The matter of how much will get done, doesn't. There is an air of falsity, betrayal, lingering in the atmosphere around that dusty place. Knowing I must return one day makes me sick with anxiety.

Jack was never meant to be Alpha, never meant to lead until fate changed decision and the moon thought better. I was never meant to stay at Brine's Peak. Alpha John was never meant to die before his mate, never meant to save her.

So many paths, so many ways to be different. Only one way to end.

There are small goals that keep me afloat, people that visit and support, but the love has been lost. The pup-like affection and relationship I established with Jack is gone... Replaced by a female full of wisdom and innocence, standing where I used to, only closer. Much closer.

Every time I see them, some part is touching the other. A hand on arm, eyes on eyes, or a brush of hair against the skin of one's shoulder.

"Hello, Tana. How are you today?" Speaking of innocence.

"Hi, Asher." I reply, fiddling with a loose string on my tank top. My belly protrudes and I run my hand over the small bump.

"Do you feel up to yoga today?" She asks everyday, and I always say no. I wish I could say yes... But most times I'm stolen by memories of the good, and they don't help with the bad. Often enough, I dwell in the expanse that doesn't include anyone.

I try to pinpoint a time in my life where no one affected me, and I almost target the moment when I arrived here, right as my foot exited the car, but hadn't touched the solid ground yet, before I inhaled salt, before I looked up and met the eyes of my new Alpha. But then, the moment slips through my fingers and no longer do I feel like that actually was a real occasion.

"Not today."

"Okay." She murmurs, stepping forward and sitting on her knees in front of my chair. "May I?" Her hands hold up before touching my belly. I bite back the growl at someone trying to touch what is mine. With a thick swallow, I nod. I should be used to these feelings by now.

"I think it's a male. He feels strong." She smiles up at me, searching my face. I'm not sure what she expects, pride? Not that this pup comes with guilt, but maybe it does. "You've always been good at making things." She jokes, referring to my cooking with Opal. Another wolf who visits often, always jamming food in my mouth.