If There's Something

Chapter 31

  "I think you should sit down," Wes told Rush as Rush joined us in the living room.

I hadn't expected Rush to enter so soon and I also hadn't expected Wes to take the lead on this. Levi looked like he wanted to throw up, too and I took his hand, squeezing it gently and hoping it would give him comfort and courage.

"I don't want to sit down," Rush said, his eyes filled with so many different emotions, I couldn't read them.

Hearing that there was something to tell him about his mother was enough to change his mood within seconds, so what would happen when he heard Levi tell him that he had his mother's heart?

"What the fuck did mom want me to know?" Rush asked again, his voice rising. He looked at me and I let go of Levi's hand. I had to comfort Rush now. I had to hold his hand and get him through the news like Aunt Marya had wanted me to.

I slowly made my way to him and slipped my fingers through his. He resisted but I didn't let go, I only held on tighter until he gave up and let me hold his hand.

"Is someone going to tell me or what?" he demanded and Wes squeezed Levi's shoulder.

Wes and Levi stood directly in front of Rush and me and we watched each other, no one moving and no one making a sound, except for our racing hearts.

"Mom wanted you to know," Levi murmured, trailing off. "Rush, the truth is-" He choked and I flinched, wishing I could hold both their hands.

"Why the fuck is this so hard to say?" Rush pressed, his voice louder and I wanted to smack him. Couldn't he see that it was hard for his brother, too? Couldn't he stop intimidating him for five seconds?

"Your mother didn't die in a car crash," Wes stepped up and Levi shut his eyes, obviously holding his breath.

"What?" Rush asked, his voice softer, as if he hadn't heard.

"Mom had cancer, okay?" Levi opened his eyes and blurted it out but he wasn't done. Once the words were out, he obviously couldn't control the rest of the story. "She didn't tell any of us but she knew she was dying."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Rush asked and I struggled to keep my hold on his hand. He was already trembling and I wasn't sure whether it was in hurt or in anger.

"When you were in the hospital, mom told us that she didn't have much time left," Levi's eyes were filled with tears and I felt my heart break. I hated seeing him in so much pain but Rush needed to know and Levi needed someone to share the pain with. "All those times that she was sick, it was the cancer."

"Why the hell did you lie to me?" Rush asked, his voice cracking. "What fucking reason did you and dad have to hide this from me?"

"She gave up her life," Levi said, his voice barely a whisper. "She knew she didn't have long so she gave up her life before the cancer could spread lower than her brain stem."

Rush squeezed my hand so tightly, it felt like he was cutting off my blood circulation but I didn't let go. I knew he needed me and I wanted to be the comfort that would get him through everything.

"You're saying she killed herself?" Rush asked and I could hear his voice shake.

"No, I'm saying she's alive," Levi looked at Rush dead in the eye, his tears escaping. "In you."

I heard Rush take in a sharp breath before he held it, unable to breathe. "In me?"

"Her heart was the only match," Levi rubbed the tears off his face. "So what I'm trying to say is that, your new heart is mom's heart."

I wasn't sure how long we were standing in the same position, staring at one another, waiting for a reaction from Rush. Levi was full on crying, Wes trying to comfort him as Rush stayed frozen in place, as if he hadn't registered a word that Levi had said.

After a while, Rush let go of my hand and started toward the stairs but I knew he needed someone so I ran after him.

"Rush, wait," I called after him, taking two steps at a time in the hopes that I'd reach him before he locked himself in his room.

I grabbed onto his arm seconds before he got into his room and he turned to glare at me so hard that I felt my heart stop in my chest.

"You fucking knew this whole time and you didn't think to tell me?" he demanded and I felt my stomach drop.

"I only recently found out," I said quickly. "And it wasn't my story to tell. Levi had to be the one to tell you?"

"Are you seriously using that as an excuse?" he loomed over me. "All those times we-we had sex, all those times we sat and spoke about things, the day you looked me in the eyes and told me you loved me, you knew about this. You didn't even feel a little guilty?"

"Of course, I felt guilty!" I exclaimed. "And I told them that you needed to know but Rush-"

"Leave me alone," he grabbed my hand and harshly pushed it away. "I don't want to look at any of you."

"Rush, please-" I choked, my voice filled with fear. He was going to leave me. Everyone had been right. He blamed me, too. He hated me, too.

I grabbed onto his shirt, begging him not to leave me out when he turned around, giving me on hard shove away from him.

I lost my footing as he pushed me away, which sent me backward, into the wall. I heard a sickening sound as my head collided with the wall and for several seconds, I couldn't move any part of my body. My sight had turned dark and my head throbbed in pain. There was a slight tingle that traveled up my body as my sight started to come back into a blurry focus.

"Farren!" Wes was next to me but I couldn't focus my sight on him.

I could still feel Rush's presence in front of me and my chest burned in the realization that he had just hurt me and wasn't even next to me to check if I was alright.

I struggled to my feet even though I felt so dizzy that I could fall again.

"Far-"

I slowly pushed Wes away before turning back to the stairs. Levi tried to grab me but I shook my head, stopping him. I stumbled down the stairs in a hurry. I needed to get out of there. I could hear the distant sound of Wes yelling at Rush as I exited the house through the back door. I wasn't even thinking, my body was moving on its own as I mounted Pepper and I pressed the sides of my feet into her. Her walked turned into a trot and then to a run. She knew exactly where we were going. I didn't even have to direct her to the lake. I was concussed. I knew it but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. I needed to be underwater. Even though the wind was cold and I shivered as Pepper ran into the clearing, I knew I needed to be surrounded by water to calm down.

I didn't even tie Pepper to the tree once I got off her and stumbled toward the lake. I didn't think about her running away and at that moment, I didn't care. Even if she ran off, it wouldn't matter because I wasn't going home anyway.

My vision was still blurred as I kicked off my boots and got into the water. The water was freezing cold but again, it didn't matter. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe and honestly, I kind of didn't want to. The only person I had ever loved had literally pushed me aside, hurt me and didn't care about whether I was okay.

I slipped into the water, goosebumps covering my body as I closed my eyes, went underwater and let my body get used to the temperature of the water. I lay on my back and let my body sink underwater. My vision that was blurred turned black when I opened my eyes. I felt at ease. No sound. No people. Just the water as it carried my body in its dark content. That was what I liked about water – it took the color of its surroundings. If it was a bright sunny day, the water was clear and reflected the sky. If it was in the dark of the night, the water was as black as the rest of the world.

I didn't want comfort from people. I had the comfort of water. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to hear anyone. I didn't want to feel anyone. I didn't want to feel anything.

I closed my eyes again. I was done with everyone.