Hierarchy

XI

August 2016

I scratch the walls trying to make a straight line.

It's the third day in solitary and I can't help but think of Bambi. I need to stop ending up here because whenever I'm here there's no one to protect her.

I've realised that it's the silence that makes this such a bad experience.

Silence is uncomfortable because it makes up face your thoughts head-on without any interference. Sometimes your thoughts aren't pretty and that's what makes it worse.

There are so many people that don't make it back from solitary. They just hang themselves and get it over with.

Sometimes I wonder if death is the same thing as solitary.

Of course, your mind is not as active but it is the same thing of darkness and silence. Maybe that's why they do it. Suicide I mean. Better to hear nothing at all than everything at once.

Guess that's why I attempted it.

****

October 2018

"You have to come out."

Vivian's voice brought me back to reality. A reality I don't want to face right now. I just want it to go back to being silent.

"I'm good thanks," I reply from the other side of the bathroom toilet

"I'll come in then." She states and I stay silent. There's no way for her to come - her little head peaked up from the bottom of the bathroom stall and I was shocked. "You gonna come out now or do I have to stay on this disgusting floor?"

I sigh and let her get up before I open the door. "I'm going home."

"Why?" She says confused, "You knew this was coming, hence why you planned for it."

She does have a valid point. I just didn't think it would hit this hard when it did happen.

"Do you think I should reveal the photos now?" I ask and she shakes her head.

"It's up to you but I wouldn't. Soon people will forget what you did and it'll fade into a scandal when people are on the brink of forgetting, that's when you post them."

She didn't seem afraid of me like she had already forgotten what I went to jail for. Or already knew?

"Aren't you scared?"

She furrows her eyebrows before shrugging, knowing what I'm referring to. "You don't go to jail at 16 if you didn't do anything worth it. Plus it's not like you're ever going to tell me why you killed who you killed so why should I think about it?"

She does have a point. However, I do think that we're getting closer to the point where I could trust her but at the same time, she did warn me that she's no one's friend.

I look at myself in the mirror, proud that I didn't cry so I don't have puffy eyes. I just need to get back out there and be who I always am.

"Okay, let's go."

Vivian looked at me and smiled before nodding her head. "I bought some clothes, mind you, they've been in my locker since the end of junior year so it doesn't smell very nice."

I whip the shirt over the camisole I have on and take off my jeans to put on the too-short skirt Vivian gave me.

"This is so against dress code," I tell her, tugging at the skirt.

"Firstly, it's Gucci so the dress code doesn't matter and secondly, if your ass was flat like mine, it would fit just fine." She retorts whilst picking up her handbag. "Let's leave, this place gives me bad vibes."