Not the Villain - The Evil Queen's Retelling of Snow White

20 Years and Four Days Ago

20 years and four days ago:

It was nearly sunset when a knock sounded on Veneficia's door. I looked up from my book, which detailed prophetic dreams and how to recognise them, as she hobbled over and opened the door.

A smile flitted across the face as whoever was outside audibly gasped. Veneficia stood there silently, and she must've looked like she was made out of nightmares with her shawl drawn over her wispy white hair and the elongated shadows draped over her, shrouding her in darkness.

"E-Excuse me, ma'am." The boy outside spluttered, no doubt startled by her appearance. I peeked through the gap and saw the forest-green tunic of a messenger. He was young, maybe eleven or twelve winters old, and I had to suppress a giggle as Veneficia glared at him silently, making him even more nervous. "I-I'm looking for a... for Lady Amethyst. I have a letter for her." He cleared his throat. "It is from the King, may his reign be long and fruitful. H-he said they were confidential matters."

The smile faded from my face and my heart dropped lower and lower in my stomach with every word that was said. A letter. From Casimir. The man I never wanted to think about again, much less hear from. What did he want?

I clenched my hands into fists. I really thought I would be able to forget. To leave it all behind. But the past had a way of catching up, luring you in, driving you insane, before snapping its  cruel jaws around you and dragging you back.

I caught Casimir's letter when Veneficia threw it at me. For a moment I debated simply throwing it into the fireplace, and never think about it again. But my curiosity would not give me rest; I would never be able to find peace here again. I could feel the past closing its clutch on me as I tossed and turned in the endless sleepless nights, wondering what Casimir might've said. Did he regret it? Was he sorry? Did he want me back?

With trembling fingers, I ripped open the royal insignia.

Dear Amethyst,

I sincerely, deeply, profoundly wish that the past two years have treated you well. I was extremely concerned today when I found out that you have been dwelling in the common villages, but I trust your decision, and I am sure you have your reasons. My time as King has gone by uneventfully and successfully as of now, I am confident that you will be happy to know. My wife, the Queen, has been a tremendous help in handling courtly and political affairs.

I must begin by apologising. I have not had the time to reach out to you until recently, and it took my guards some time to locate you. I must say that I have missed your presence. I hope you will consider my offer and return to my Court. If you accept my invitation, please simply walk in before sunset tomorrow night. I have instructed my guards to welcome you.

Love,
Casimir

My hands lowered onto my knees, and the letter in my fingers fluttered slightly to the shaking of my hands. He was sorry. He wanted me back. The letter said that, but somehow I couldn't be happy about it. It was... it just didn't seem real.

This wasn't how I envisioned it. This wasn't how I wanted to go back. I had thought that I would open the door one day to see Casimir, with his head bowed low and his eyes solemn, unsure if I would even answer the door. He would look up at me with surprise and hope in his eyes, and tears would run down his cheeks as he tried to think of the right words to apologise. Instead I would take his hands into mine and I would tell him that I forgave him long ago. And in a rush of relief and joy he would swing me into his arms and kiss me, and it would feel like I was home once again.

But this? How could I forgive him like this? How could I forgive him when it seemed like none of this was sincere? How could I forgive him when it seemed like he was only spitting out fake, sugar-coated words just to send me scampering back to his side like a lost puppy? How could I forgive him when he wasn't even sorry for what he had done?

How could I forgive him when he didn't deserve it?

I looked down to see that a tear had landed on the parchment, blurring the ink. It was the word "love". Love, Casimir. Now that word was gone, the ink mixing with the teardrop so it was just a cloud of grey.

And just like the sweet words he uttered, just like the heartwarming promises he spewed, I knew it was fake. Because there was never any love in the first place. He never loved me, and he never will.

Never.

With a strangled cry I ripped the letter and flung it into the fire. I could almost feel my blood boiling inside me. I hated him, I hated him with all my heart, I hated him even more than I ever loved him but I tried to choke it all down as I closed my eyes. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Forget. All I ever wanted was to forget.
I want to forget.

I wish I could forget.

Just stop thinking about it, Amethyst. Don't think. Just don't think.

I can't. It was overwhelming. How lost I felt. How hurt. How broken.

How angry.

"You should go." Veneficia finally stated, breaking the stormy silence.

I started asking her how she knew what the letter was about, then I remembered. She's a witch. Of course she knows. Does she know whether I will eventually be able to get through this?

I said nothing in reply.

"You belong there, Amethyst. This is not your world. Go back."

"Don't you see?" I suddenly burst out. "I don't belong here, and I don't belong there either. There's no place for me in this world!"

I don't know how long we sat there, me trying to shut out the storm of thoughts, and Veneficia staring unblinkingly at me.

"I'm going to bed." I finally muttered, trudging towards my mattress.

I didn't think my thoughts would ever calm down enough for me to drop into blissful oblivion, but at some point late in the night they did. When I finally fell asleep it was with the feeling that I was running, running, running in circles, trying to find something that was never there.