Ice Queen

Chapter 21 ~ "I just wanted you"

Sasha

"Are you sure you don't want more to eat than that?" Nate asks as I take two pieces of toast from the toaster.

"No, this is what I eat everyday." I tell him with a shrug. I know it's not much and it really isn't enough either but dad's diet restrictions had rung true after years of pushing. I never had an appetite, my eyes were always bigger than my stomach.

"Sash, you didn't eat last night or yet today." He insists looking through the fridge. "It's past noon, you need to eat something else."

"I-I really don't.....I don't want to." I tell him quietly. "It usually just makes me feel sick." I was determined not to spend this day feeling like garbage. This was the first day we were going to go out into the world and hang out, and I didn't want it to be overshadowed by me feeling like I might puke every five seconds.

"Okay." He says giving up and closing the doors on the fridge, pulling out a few things. "If you change your mind at any point, tell me." I nod and take my dry toast and stand on the other side of the island. He starts cracking eggs into a bowl and I smile at the look of concentration he has on his face.

"You eat it dry?" He asks looking at my toast and I sigh.

"Would it put your mind at ease if I ate something else?" I ask and he stops what he's doing and looks back at me.

"No, sorry." He says shaking his head. "I-um, I just worry. But I won't prod anymore, it isn't my place."

"You worry about me?" I ask and a smile pulls at the edges of his mouth.

"Of course I do." He says quietly without lifting his eyes. I feel warm all over and press my lips together, then taking a bite from my toast. "I missed having you around."

"Well that makes two of us." I tell him very honestly and he nods coming around the island to my side. Before I can react, he picks me up and sets me down on the island so he can stand between my legs.

"Can I tell you something?" He asks and I nod feeling unable to speak. He's so close to me now it's like he's sucking up my air. "The first day back at school after I quit, when I didn't tell you I was leaving.....and then I was so mean to you-"

"It's okay." I tell him shaking my head. "We already talked about it."

"I know." He says quietly putting his hands on my waist and I feel myself jump again. He smiles slightly and kisses my forehead making me smile. "It's just something I feel awful about. I didn't tell you I was leaving because I didn't want to face you. I was mean to you at school because all of the new people I was becoming friends with were mean to you. I....hate myself for that." He says quietly and I reach out to hold onto his forearm.

"Sasha, you were absolutely everything to me when we were younger. And I ruined that relationship because I wanted to fit in. Because I thought it would be better to hurt you then let you in and keep you close. I also knew there was a good chance you wouldn't be around to hang out with anymore, so I made a choice.

"I made myself stay away from you because I couldn't handle not being able to be your friend anymore. I wanted to, but it just wasn't possible and I couldn't let myself be stuck between two worlds." He whispers and moves one of his hands up to my face.

"But I made the wrong choice. I pushed you away and hurt you because it was easier, and I regret it. I regret it so much, I kept getting hung up on you and I forced myself to let you go. That's why I dated Sabrina, because I thought it would help me move on and take on a good spot in my new group of friends." 

I almost can't handle all the things he's throwing at me right now, they're making my head spin. 

"I've been miserable with her for as long as I can remember, I wanted to end things all the time but I knew if I did there was a good chance I'd be cut out of my group of friends. I liked being that popular, I was glad to be in my spot at school......but everything always felt off. Because you weren't with me."