10. Journal Entry Five of Knowing

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Dad,

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Dad,

Years ago, when Jenna and I were both in college, there was the first vacation during which we both returned home.

It was the first time that both of us had been away from home for so long.

We were all seated in the den and trying to pick a movie to watch.

Jenna and I kept fighting over which one.

We were loud and boisterous; there was teasing, name-calling and threats involved.

I don't remember what we were saying, but I remember that you and Mom both laughed.

Then, you said, "You know, kids, I would have never thought I would say that I missed your constant, loud bickering, but here we are. The silence was deafening."

I guess it's then that both of us realized that you and Mom must miss us when we're gone.

Right now, Dad, the silence is deafening me.

It's been over a week since I've been home and it's been about two weeks since I last saw her; that I last wrote of her.

I thought that if I don't write about her, it would help me not to think of her.

It's been about two seconds since I thought of her last.

All this time, I've been seated at our dining table, surrounded by my friends who are excitedly planning Jenna's wedding.

To Juliette.

We're a few months out at this point, but Rosalie is keeping everyone, except Juliette, on their toes.

You remember Juliette, right, Dad?

She was the roommate Jenna had, despite being perfectly able to afford her own place.

Well, they're getting married.

Jenna is excited.

We're in and out of the house a lot more these days and I think Mom loves it, too.

They've all just left to go dress shopping for the bridesmaids, who are Isa, Scarlett and Juliette's sister, Ana.

The house is suddenly quiet.

I'm still sitting here because I'm due in hospital in about an hour.

The silence became deafening, Dad.

It was deafening from the moment that she walked out of sight.

It was deafening from the moment that I stepped back on to that train, alone.

It was deafening from the moment that I realized that I would be riding that elevator alone.

I kept trying not to think about her.

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