Ray Of Light

i gotta try...

*three days later*

Jay was sat in the drivers side of the truck and Gracie was in her car chair on the back seat, both of them just waiting for Emily to join them from grabbing her meds. Things were slowly getting there, Emily has now accepted that this is something she's going to have to get over before she can heal, and Gracie was starting to get used to the fact that there is someone else in her life, someone unfamiliar yet so familiar at heart. Jay on the other hand was completely pained given that he has to sit and watch his fiancée suffer, and there's nothing more he can do other than saying a few words all the time to reassure her that she's doing great.

The passenger side door flew open and Emily groaned as she climbed in, a smile on her face, but jay can read her like a book, it's fake... He smiled back and took her meds from her hands before placing them in the back on the back seat next to Gracie, "sorted?" He turned the ignition on. She nodded, "sorted" she confirmed. He smiled back and began driving after checking that Gracie was still asleep, "voight said I can go back to work in two weeks" she made conversation. Jay shook his head, "I don't think that's a good idea, em..." he tried to reason in the most softest voice possible. Emily closed her eyes but cut him off, "I gotta try..." she rested her head on her hand which was propped up by her elbow on the window.

He looked over at her to see her rubbing her temple, "I gotta try, okay?" She added, this time more gently. He nodded and sighed slightly, "I hear you honey, I really do, I just think you should wait until you're ready, not going off a set date" he focused on the road. She slowly nodded, "I know..." she sighed too. He smiled weakly and squeezed her spare hand with his own, "we'll take it nice and slow, one step at a time" he rubbed her skin. She let out a shaky breath but kept her eyes on the window, if she looked at him she would've broke down, and that hasn't happened yet, she's even more determined to not let it happen.

When they got home, Emily held the door open as jay carried Gracie inside, "I'm gonna take her up to the nursery while she's still sleeping" jay nodded. Emily smiled and nodded, "I'll come with you" she closed the door behind them. He nodded and began the ascent as Emily trailed behind. When they approached the nursery door, Emily let a sad expression fall across her face again, "who uh-who helped repaint the walls?" She watched as jay carefully lifted their baby out of the car chair and into the crib, "Kev" he smiled at her. She tried her best to smile back, but she couldn't, "it's nice..." she looked around. The pair had decided that once the baby was born, they'd repaint the walls to match whatever gender of the baby is, so the walls are now baby pink. She would've loved to do it with jay, but she knew it needed to be done before Gracie came home, so jay had no choice to do it without her...

Jay straightened his back up after tucking Gracie in safely, "I was gonna wait, but I didn't want the paint fumes affecting Gracie..." he smiled sadly at her, "no, you did the right thing" she looked at him through genuine eyes, "you can help me unpack some of gracies things if you want, we had to move some of the shelves around so it's a little all over the place..." he nodded, sensing her sadness. She smiled weakly but shook her head, "I uh, I'm actually gonna take a quick shower" she pointed to the bathroom, "alright, I can wait for you..." he began, "no it's fine, you'll get it done quicker anyways" she let out a small, yet fake, chuckle as she began walking towards the bathroom. His heart shattered all over again at how hard she was finding this already, he just wants to turn back time...

Emily stepped into the shower and placed her hands against the cold tiles, she looked over to her right to see the shower dial on the wall and reached over to turn the water all the way up, it was now scorching hot and every droplet of water that fell from the shower head practically burned through her skin, but she didn't mind, it was the sense of warmth she was searching for anyways. She let out a quiet sob and rested her head against the wall, she feels so much guilt, sadness and frustration trapped in her mind, but she's scared she's going to snap on someone soon, or even worse... snap on jay when he's just trying to help. She just wants Gracie to realise that she, Emily, is her mother and that she doesn't have to cry for jay every time she holds her...