Best Friends Brother │ Quinn Hughes

chapter 18

*Trigger Warning*

Wesley's POV

I was done. 

I was done being the way I was, hiding my emotions to please people. I had many secrets. Secrets that were eating me alive. Alive. Alive wasn't a word in my vocabulary for many years. I didn't want to be alive, and no one knew that. I had been struggling for years and kept everyone in the dark. Smiling away my depression and thoughts. But it didn't. It just made things worse. Depression was such a negative word to the world. Only people with "real" problems had it. It was seen as a dirty word by most. 

I had been sexually abused since I was a child. The things he would do to me were horrible but I thought that is what love was. He started with tickling, then it progressed into more than that. He told me he loved me and that this is what everyone did to people they love. My first attempt was when I was eight. Kids eight years old were having fun on the playground and asking to have mac and cheese for dinner, not trying to end their lives. My second was when I was ten when you were supposed to be excited about the future and want to be a princess or an astronaut. My third attempt was when I was fourteen years old when you're supposed to be getting ready for high school and going shopping with your friends at the local mall. A month after the attempt, when Jack was gone on a hockey trip years ago, I went to a party to try to distract myself from the thoughts I was having, I didn't want to do anything I would regret this time. I got really drunk and had tried Molly for the first time. I was completely out of it. I could see and hear what was happening around me but could not move my body. That's when he came onto me. I cried until it was done, I felt helpless. Completely and underly helplessly. I tried to tell him to stop but it only came out as a whisper. He looked down at me and laughed. I remember his words spilling out of his mouth constantly. "Jacky boy isn't here to help you now isn't he," I remember his face and can constantly see him in my dreams, Bryce. After that day, I went. completely off the rails, I did things to myself throughout those years that were hidden from the naked eye. I got addicted to pills, wouldn't eat for days, and cried in my sleep as I would have constant nightmares. But people never noticed. Not even Jack. But who can blame him for not noticing, I kept it very hidden? I could never escape mentally but I could physically. Going to the Hughes house was my out and Jack was the light at the end of the tunnel. He made me feel safe and loved like I always wanted to be. I finally felt like I was important to someone. Love by someone that would never intentionally hurt me. Ellen may have caught on for a little bit as she saw me taking pills from a small bag once in the women's restroom at one of Jack's hockey games but never said anything to me about it. When we would go out for dinner after games or if Ellen made us a meal, I would play with the food and only take small bites of smaller pieces of food. I would drink a bunch of water throughout the day so my stomach would feel full, I would also chew gum to satisfy my cravings. I had never gotten help from anyone, this may be because I do not tell anyone anything when it comes down to my health and home life. I didn't want anyone to see me as damaged or worthless as I already thought about myself. I knew if I told Jack that he would freak out and maybe never see me the same way as he did before. Everyone would look at me differently. 

Jack bringing up his feelings for me freaked me out. I was so in love with Quinn and I loved Jack but I could never do this to either one of them. My head was going three million miles a minute and I could not take it much longer. I should have never stopped taking my medication. I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder during my sophomore year of high school. I knew I had them but finally had a medical record in which it says so. I had been struggling for years, dealing with growing up fast from a young age, being exposed in so many different ways, and never being able to be free of my thoughts. 

I never wanted to tell anyone my secrets. Even my best friend. 

You're not alone! Please seek help if needed.

Information about domestic abuse hotlines:

Call: 1-800-799-safe (7233)

or TTY 1-800-787-3244

Text: "START" to 88788

Information about sexual assault hotlines:

RAINN.com

Call: 800-656-HOPE

Online chats 24/7

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline:

1-800-273-8255

If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself please reach out to a trusted friend, family, or crisis line. My messages are also always open.

You are loved. You are worthy. You are not alone!