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Ps - You got to listen to this song before/after/while reading this chapter! Trust me you'll enjoy it.
Forecast : Clouds of gloom and sadness. Expect a downpour of memories and pain.
Ruturaj.
I blink my eyes furiously to shake the bad dream away. Perhaps I was still in the bus, sleeping. Sai will wake me up soon, won't he? A moment passes. Another passes. The smile on Kriti's face is still intact. Nandish is still on his knees. With a rose in his hand. This isn't a bad dream, Rutu. It's the reality.
The thing about my negative thoughts is that once they start, they flow like some beastly river, waiting to wipe every trace of life. And this is exactly what is happening with me right now. I can't stop thinking about how I'm doomed at love.
Ruturaj Gaikwad, the second choice.
I am not good enough to deserve anyone's undivided love and attention, am I? To be loved despite everything? No matter how hard I fight to stop myself from going down the memory lane, I don't think I have a say in which memory flashes in front of my eyes and which doesn't.
Because my brain knows the exact thing I wouldn't like to remember. Or rather the exact person.
Urmi.
And God knows that whenever I think of her, my mood sours.
I feel Kriti tapping on my shoulders. No, I can't let her face the wrath of my past.
"Rutu, please look at me. It wasn't what it looked like."
I swallow all the hurt because for some reason my heart believes her. If only I were in the right mind to listen to her.
"Later, Kriti. I need some time alone. Please."
I increase my pace to put as much distance between us as I can and then come to a halt when I'm satisfied. I look around and make my way towards an empty sofa. My feet are shaking as the memories make way into my head again.
******
"I'm sorry, Rutu. I don't love you enough to do this anymore."
A gorgeous Urmi dressed in her favourite silver dress tells me once we're in the elevator. I'm too stunned to argue. What is the difference between loving someone and loving someone enough? 4 years. We've dated for four years. Known each other since our school days. At this point, it hurts so badly that I don't even feel anything.
"You being away for series, playing cricket for such long durations, I can't take it. And abhi toh you haven't even started playing for India and I already feel that I'll always be secondary in your life."
Secondary?! The word makes me feel unimaginable amounts of hurt and anger. I had tried my best to make up for the distance by being there whenever I could. I love cricket and I love Urmi. But I don't understand how my love for one makes the other secondary. I shake my head, you are too angry to see it from her perspective, Rutu. Maybe it might be the case-
"I'm sorry Rutu but I don't want to do this anymore."
I stare at her in disbelief. Tonight was supposed to be our first date after the Vijay Hazare Trophy and we were on the way to the rooftop restaurant.
She presses a button in the lift and leaves as soon as the doors open. I, on the other hand, am transfixed into the same position.
A couple of minutes and everything changed. Or rather broke. Are relationships so fickle? Or am I just too easy to leave and too tough to love?
"I'm sorry Rutu but I don't love you enough."
My head is spinning with thoughts. An elevator ride. You're so unimportant that you can go on from being loved to not being loved enough in the duration of the elevator ride, Rutu.
My lungs struggle for breath and I stumble. Struggling to find my way towards the buttons. Any button, press any button to get out of the damn lift.
My shaky hands can't even follow this instruction and I give up. Unworthy of love. Unworthy of existence.
The next thing I remember is lying in a room full of concerned faces of strangers.
*******
That's why elevators terrify me so much. They remind me of 21st October. They remind me of her. And her claim of not loving me enough. After Urmi, I had given up on seeking love. For some sad period in my life I even believed that I wasn't worth loving. But my family and friends had always made me question this insecurity.
I had been able to cope up with it. But with elevators, it was different.
I didn't want to enter the elevator. Every time I tried to, I'd be hit with sharp pain and heavy hurt in my heart. It had always been unbearable.
Seeing Kriti enjoy herself with Nandish has made me contemplate everything that has happened in these three months.
Kriti deserves the best.
And if Nandu is her best choice, so be it.
Everything feels heavy. My head. My eyes. And the heaviest of all is my heart.
****** A/n - I have some commitments until 1st of May. I shall only be able to update after that. Until then, take care.
