On Thin Ice (editing again)

Chapter 6- A Trash Can, Embodied by Razor

Upon waking up, Razor felt like his immune system exploded inside of him overnight and every sickness he could possibly have acquired, he acquired. Besides everything in his body hurting from practice, he felt like he had been hit by a Mack truck of infectious disease.

He knew he had a fever from just laying in bed and not moving, but he really couldn't tell what was wrong with the rest of him. His stomach hurt but he didn't feel like throwing up. His sinuses were clogged but he couldn't hock up anything. He just felt like shit, and it was probably a physical manifestation of the weight of his guilt on his soul.

Razor yelled groggily out to his parents' room before rolling back under the covers.

"Mom, dad, I'm sick. I'm not getting up."

Upon hearing this, his mom came into his room and did all the things that he could think of that a mom does when their kid is sick. She finally caved in to let him stay home because he had a high fever and was virtually immobile. His parents went to work, leaving Razor alone in the house.

Maybe he would turn this into his own version of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," but he didn't think he could even pull himself out of bed. The house was quiet after his parents left for work and he ;aid on his bed just thinking that he was now alone. And he probably would also die alone, figuring how his life was going at the moment.

It just made him think of his girlfriend, and how he had noticed her changes in messages and last minute reasons not to ever hang out. It just made him feel more alone and with more thoughts on how maybe all the drama he had in his life was caused by none other than himself.

Pushing the thoughts out of his head, he rolled over and picked up his old Nintendo DS. He started playing a game that he played for the last time about 5 or 6 years ago. But whatever he did, his mind still wandered to Blaze every five minutes. Razor hated how he felt about her. She was so awesome, any guy could see that, but she clashed with him so much to the point where he wasn't able to stand her for too long.

Razor decided that he had to set the record straight and deal with this like he should have a long time ago.

Sometime in the late afternoon, there was a knock at the door to his house. He dragged myself down the stairs and opened the door, realizing she was standing in front of him. Blaze had a few papers in her hand, which Razor assumed was his homework from the day of school he missed.

"Hey. I have your homework from Physics and your Trigc lass. I think Jared's going to stop by with your APUSH homework." She said plainly. Just like he predicted- strictly business.

"Thank you. I'm probably not going to do it today anyway, or until my head stops spinning." I said, taking the papers and putting them on the side table next to the door where he put his mail and keys.

There was a long pause between them and in that period of silence, they stood looking at each other. Razor read the look on her face and he knew she was going to say something unpredictable. He was right.

"I think we need to talk." Her hands were shoved into her pockets and it was obvious this "talk" wasn't going to be very nice.

"I think we do too."

Neither one of them wanted to make the first move and say something. Time passed as if it were in a dream, everything seems to be happening so fast but it takes an entire night for it all to play out.

"Are we just going to be silent all day or are we going to say something?"

"Okay. Listen, Razor. This is hard for me to say but you were right. I'm being an antisocial asshole and now I do understand how good hockey feels. I'm just too damn stubborn to really get it, and I hope you forgive me for that. I made the team, so I came to say that. And sometimes we don't get along but we're both assholes and that's a place to start, right? Something we have in common."

"You're not an asshole, Blaze. I am. That's all me. You? You're just doing what anyone would around someone like me."

"I've still said some things that weren't nice, so I'm sorry for that too."

"Blaze, ever since you came around you've gotten me all confused. I don't know how I'm supposed to act around you."

"Why are you trying so hard, then?" She questioned. "Why do you automatically go to aggression?"

"I think I don't know how to act around you because I've never felt the way I feel towards you, towards anyone else."

"And how do you feel about me, besides utter hate?"

"I don't know. But you give me a challenge, you don't take my shit and you can see right through me. I've never met another person, hell, another girl that could do that. Not even Allie could."

"Yeah, and let's keep it at that. You have a girlfriend. You think I'm gonna get in the way of you two? No way."

"Well, I think it's pretty obvious that this is awkward now." He said, scratching his ear.

"Yeah, it's kind of awkward because what I take from this is that you like me, but Allie's your girl. That much I know. But why did you act like I was the last person you wanted to see? What brought on the sudden kindness to me? I've been jerked around a lot and I don't want to be used again. Aggression is never romantic, Razor. So explain yourself. Now you have the chance, and I'm listening."

"It wasn't acting or 'just being a boy'. You and I really did NOT get along. I had to get past that in order to see that you weren't like any of the girls around here. It's not just the hockey. I think I've been looking for you, because you're different. I need different."

"What exactly about me do you like, because I don't want to hear the 'not like other girls' spiel. You think you need me, but I'm not here just to be what you need. That's not my purpose, and I'm not gonna be yours just to fulfill the hole you've got."

"I mean, we still don't get along sometimes, but it really is because you're different. A fresh new face in the crowd. You just came here as brought some type of fire to my icy heart, and I guess I liked that. Not at first, I didn't like having someone able to read me like that, not after I put up so many walls to prevent that."

"Oh god, here we go." she laughed and rolled her eyes. "How high are you on cough medicine?"

"I don't know exactly what it is about you, but I'd like to learn. You're just... Special."

"Razor, I am not special at all. I am quite unextraordinary. And I don't think you and me are gonna work out, Razor. We've gotta start at the beginning, if any sort of friendship were ever to happen between us. I'm not even talking about romance here, I just don't see it happening. I think you want something that I can't give, I think you are in love with this idea of some special girl that's gonna come around and change your life. But I hate to be the one to tell you that it's not me. So, I hope we can live with each other during the hockey season. I'll see you in school, then, I guess." She spoke to him, turning down his driveway and getting into her car. 

Maybe she was right, and maybe she had been right all along. Razor was stuck between a rock and a hard place, for he had no idea if he was in love with a concept, or if what he felt was real. If he liked her, why was he so angry? He had a huge crush on Allie, and it was so much different than how things had played out with Blaze. Maybe he was just longing for something Allie couldn't give him anymore. Blaze didn't deserve to be used. 

At least they would be civil at hockey practice, but that would be another challenge in itself. They were on a team together now, but their history was engraved in stone. That would always stay with them, and would Razor still be angry at her? Only time could tell him what he truly felt, and only time could reveal what he should do. But for that moment, he would return back to staying in his own corner, far, far away from Blaze. Just like she wanted, just like he thought he wanted. 

But what was it that he really wanted? If it wasn't Blaze, if it wasn't Allie, if it wasn't the concept of being in love, what was he longing for? Why was he so angry?

Razor was looking for an easy fix, a solution that would come around and give him an answer to all his problems. But, he had a feeling this was something he had to do all on his own. And so, it was.