On Thin Ice (editing again)

Chapter- I Don't Want You, But I Need You

Blaze

There's one thing I agree with Razor on- this whole thing feels wrong. Of course, I had different grounds to determine what was wrong and what wasn't, but the general concept was the same.

I knew it was awful of me to do almost exactly what he did, but being the bigger person hadn't crossed my mind at the moment. Within the hour I was over at Austin's house, laying on the couch with him, crying into his chest and wrapping my arms around him just as tightly as he was holding me.

His chest was solid and his soft baseball shirt smelled of a cologne that I couldn't quite identify. He had a fairly large tattoo on his arm, which was partially revealed by his sleeves that rested in the middle of his forearm. I was wrapped up in his large flannel shirt he was wearing before I came over, the soft material feeling wonderful on my skin.

His breathing was consistent and he was relaxed, one of his large hands tracing circles all over my back and running gently through my hair in attempts to comfort me and calm me as I cried. I didn't have to explain anything to him, since he knew to quite an extent of what was going on. It involved his best friend and my ex, after all.

I didn't like putting him in the position as the middle man, but he was there with his arms wide open. I was feeling vulnerable and he offered to protect me.

I looked up from Austin's chest and wiped my running mascara from my eyes. Some of it bled into his shirt along with my tears and snot, but he didn't seem to mind it. He noticed I moved and adjusted his head to meet my eyes.

"Austin, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're in the middle of all this, I'm sorry you didn't have a choice or say in the matter. I just want to thank you for being here for me and putting up with this shit."

"It's no problem, Blaze. I'll do it for you any day."

"I also want to apologize for using you."

"What are you talking about?" He asked, sitting up. "You're not using me."

"I am, Austin. I am. I don't want you, but I need you. I need you to hold me and kiss me and tell me I'm not alone, but I just want to apologize for not feeling what I feel when I kiss Razor- when I kiss you. I'm sorry it's so complicated, but-" I ranted, apologizing and covering all my bases with things I should be sorry for. It surprised me with how many things I had to be sorry for.

I was gently cut off when he slipped his hand around the back of my neck and pressed his lips to mine. It felt good, I can say that.

"Austin," I began after he pulled away. I licked my lips and they tasted like the saltiness of my tears.

"Please don't say anything, Blaze." Austin whispered, trying to hide he fact that he was sad I didn't feel the same way about him as he felt towards me.

"We shouldn't be doing this."

"You're probably right." He responded. "But I still want to kiss you."

"And I'll let you. I'm just saying-"

"I know what you're saying." He responded, brushing his lips up against mine.

"No more tears. Okay? Razor isn't worth it." He said, taking the sleeve of his shirt and dabbing at the tears on my cheeks.

He lightly kissed my nose, my cheekbones, my forehead, my ears and my jaw before I pressed my lips to his. His lips tasted like orange soda.

Little did I know that while I was making out with Austin, not really with the intention to hurt Razor, Razor was sitting at home, laying face down on his couch and waiting for the hurt to go away.

Austin put his huge hockey hands on my waist, gently holding me as he kissed me. The hem of his shirt was riding up, revealing a part of his stomach. His skin was soft, his embrace so warm and inviting. I knew he was better for me than Razor was, but I couldn't help feeling that chemical attraction towards him.

He kissed my jaw ever so lightly, then the skin under my jaw, and he slowly worked his way to the front of my neck just above my collarbone. He left small red marks on my neck, not big enough to be noticeable, but they were there. I slid my cold hands under his shirt, his body heat quickly warming them up even though his skin got goosebumps when my cold hands touched him.

He gently trailed his fingertips up and down my arms, the callouses on his hands slightly rough. For a few moments he nuzzled his head in the crook of my neck, taking a few breaths and I knew he was smelling my perfume.

When he looked up at me, he traced my facial features with his fingertips and holding my cheeks in his hands before pressing his lips against mine again. He had the kind of chocolate brown eyes anyone could get lost in, and I know I did lately.

The next day at school, I was wearing Austin's flannel and SnapBack hat with a white shirt, black ripped jeans and vans, and it wasn't long before Razor noticed just about everything. Sometimes I wish that his locker wasn't the one next to mine, and this was one of those times.

He slammed his locker closed before turning to me and screeching. I closed my locker and rolled my eyes, not even turning to him. He jogged in front of me and stopped me, which just pissed me off. I was trying to avoid him and to avoid any conflict.

"Hey, is that Austin's flannel?!" Razor shrieked.

"Maybe." I responded snarkily, raising my eyebrow.

"And is that his SnapBack?!" He said, his voice escalating in pitch.

"So what if it is?" I questioned back. I knew this was going to happen, and I wasn't proud of what I did with Austin. One kiss led to us getting pretty close, but it didn't really escalate above what we had already done.

"Please tell me he did not leave those on your neck, Blaze." He asked me nervously, brushing aside my hair and looking at the marks. I turned away from him.

"Oh, my God, I can't believe this! We both admitted we kissed someone else, but then you go and really hook up with my best friend?! How could you do this to me? I thought we were getting somewhere, Blaze. I don't know what else there is to say. I apologize for blowing you off to be with Erica, but that doesn't mean I still don't have feelings for you."

"Razor, I didn't do this with the intention to hurt you. I was lonely and vulnerable, and he was there for me. I couldn't talk to you because you were what I needed to talk about, and he was there. We didn't do anything, OK?"

"Let's get something straight here, all right? Erica manipulated me, and I did not like how that felt. I wanted to be with you, but I now see that you want to be with Austin. Fine. I see how it is. I'm not ready to tell you that I'm OK with this, but if he makes you happy then there's nothing I can do to stop you. I just feel betrayed that's all. I know how that sounds, it's incredibly hypocritical of me to say that, but- you know what? Whatever. I don't want to get into this again. I'll see you in class, I guess."

"Goddammit, Razor, that's not what I meant!" I yelled down the hall after him, frustrated.

"Yeah yeah. We'll talk later." He responded, not turning back to look at me. We never talked later.