Surround me - the first novel

Chapter 44 - the sweetest thing

It feels like something is changing between us and I can't really understand it fully. The way he is looking at me and making sure nobody goes anywhere near me like he's on hyper alert to protect me.
It's intense and not unwelcome at all.

Matty has driven us to a small cafe out of town where he used to get pancakes as a boy. I love that he tells me about his childhood through the places he used to visit and through his favourite food. It's the sweetest thing.

The pancakes are incredible, I choose to have a plain one and one with a salted caramel chocolate sauce. Matty has gone for his favourite, butterscotch. Once I take my first bite, I'm hooked and he smiles tucking into his own.

We eat in silence, which is unknown for us. I'm so hungry, most probably a result of all of the activity we've been doing has built up my appetite. After we finish eating the waiter gets Matty another black coffee and me a juice. Even though Matty tries to persuade me to get a milkshake.

I decide honestly is the best policy when I check my phone again, to see another message from Ross.
"Ross texted me about this birthday party thing. And worse Tom has actually decided to text me too. I haven't even read it. I've decided I'm just going to block him" I say
"Ross or Tom?" He laughs
"Ignore me, Tom I'm guessing" he replies seeing my expression
"Yes I haven't messaged Ross back. I don't really see it as a problem I just don't want to encourage him" I say flatly.

"Yes I mean if Tom is bugging you, I can intervene. I would have done already but I didn't think you would particularly like me doing that" he chuckles
"What would you have done" I laugh
"I dunno I really wanted to hurt him after you told me what he did and put you through" he says darkly
"But I can restrain myself" he says quickly seeing my shock.
"Yeah block him" he says laughing "seems like the most reasonable thing to do" he says.
"I've given him chance after chance to leave me alone and he won't so I will stop him from contacting me" I say more for myself than for Matty.

"Ross however is a friend. I'm more to blame than him in this situation, he did kind of come onto you first and then I swooped in" Matty says
"Maybe we just approach that situation carefully" he says.
"Who are you and what have you done with Matty" I laugh.
"What! I'm a reasonable guy" he laughs back.

We sit quietly for a minute. He drinks his coffee and asks if I want anything else. I know he's going to bring up the clinic now and I just feel so embarrassed about the whole thing.

He holds onto my hand over our booth.
"What are you thinking?" He asks.
Instantly we both know what he's getting at.
"This morning I was going over it all in my head, all the things I know about being a parent and I realised that I knew barely anything at all. I also thought about you and your future, that would be such a huge sacrifice for you to undertake. I also thought about the adorableness of a child that looks like you and my heart pretty much swelled up. I thought about you holding me in bed like you were this morning with a big bump in between us" I laugh.
He chuckles, rubbing my hand. My goodness either he is mature or he is crazy or just in love. I thought he would have ran off by now.

"Carry on, I love hearing your explanations" he says
"I thought about how perfect that would be. But then I reminded myself that we are not there yet. We are not ready for that no matter how much we romanticise it. Even if we really want it we can't have it yet." I finish and look down.

"I wouldn't see it as sacrifice. And it's not just my future this would effect. Lots of people have children young and still manage. My mum was 19 when she had Kim. And I'm not saying that to push you in that direction I'm just saying that maybe it's not as crazy as you think" he says.
"Look I know what I sound like, we're 18 and stupid and in love but I just don't want you to do something that you will regret. I'm happy if you're happy. But don't decide anything based on what you think I want" he finishes. Then looks at me and flushes bright red.

"Matthew did you just inadvertently tell me that you're in love with me" I say, I cannot ignore that. He really dropped a bomb there.
"Honestly I think I am." He says
"I've just not felt this way before for anyone. I have no comparisons of any past relationships but I know this is special. It's different. When I realised last night that we had not used protection my first thought was I hope I haven't blown my chances with you. Not anything else, not anything selfish about myself and my needs. I just thought don't leave me, I love you" he says looking at me again in my eyes.
This is a lot to unpick. I start to cry. My eyes well up and I damn them because now I will look so ugly crying in front of him.

"You don't have to say anything back, I'm not saying it for that reason. I was going to wait to tell you." He says, smiling "so I don't look so crazy" he laughs.
"I feel really smooth right now" he chuckles.
"You're not crazy at all" I say.
He wipes a tear off of my face.

"This is the happiest I've ever been with anyone. So no you're not crazy." I tell him.
"Good I'm glad they're happy tears and I haven't scared you off" he laughs.
"Matty why would that scare me off? I'm literally so happy I'm crying in front of you" I laugh.
"I knew I loved you when we went to the rose garden. I just thought that you were trying to break things off with me at the time" I say.
"Well turns out I'm especially bad at showing people how I feel" he says laughing.
"And I wasn't trying to break things off clearly" he says.

I go quiet. We've still got to face this and even though I'm ecstatic that this has allowed us to show each other our feelings I know that I'm not ready for this. That's if anything has actually happened which I feel is quite unlikely although there is still a chance. It also crushes me that we are discussing this like adults yet if I haven't potentially managed to get pregnant there literally is no need for the discussion.