Surround me - the first novel

Chapter 87- on my own

Of course Malachi offers me a ride, but I need to be on my own so I politely decline. I have definitely taken up too much of their time already.

It's two buses to his from Rhea's, it's not even far but there is no direct transport. It takes me around 45 minutes to get to his and as I walk up to the house past his car I start shaking again. A mixture of sadness and anxiety. I did not anticipate that, I felt so settled this morning. I remind myself that there is nothing at all to be nervous about. I'm ready for this.

I give the door a knock. And he opens it. I feel completely stricken looking at his face. Why do they always have to look so hot when they are trying to pull you back in.
It's unreal how I could have forgotten just how perfect he is in just a couple of weeks. It's not possible that he should look better, but he does. He has had a slight trim to his brunette locks and it looks great. He's wearing his dark brown jumper that fits him tightly to his body and jeans.

He invites me in and pulls me into a hug. I should decline, I should say no don't touch me but I'm not feeling at my strongest. He visibly relaxes when I'm
in his arms and I cannot help but to bury my head into his chest. He's so familiar and I almost stay too long in his arms. But I manage to pull myself back from him.

"Hey, I ugh made you some food" he says. Holding onto the tops of my arms.
"I'm not trying to gloss over anything here I just thought i dunno...I just thought I'd make some food" He says pushing his hair away from his face.
I hate how he's talking to me like he doesn't know me or doesn't know what to say to me. Like he's through with me. I can't take it and I want to just reset back to where we were.

I sit down at the table where I always used to sit trying to not play through all of my memories of being in this house with him. On this table especially. He's just watching me, not entirely in the way he would normally. He's cautious, like I'm going to leave him at any given minute.
He briefly looks at my hair and lips and smiles without stopping himself. I yearn for him to touch me but I can't let him know that.

"Taylor" he says softly, and I shiver.
"I want you to know that I didn't intend for any of this stress and upset. I don't want to cause you that shit." He says.
"I'm not stressed anymore. I'm here to sort stuff out, it was really shit what you did but I can work my way through it" I tell him and he looks alarmed.
"Yes it hurt a lot. It hurt more than if you'd just cheated on me, it's like it was all a lie." I tell him.

And that's it, I think I've scared him speechless.
I toss my hair over one side of my chest and his eyes linger on me. I can see he mentally tells himself to concentrate and I think that's actually kind of sweet. He recovers himself.

"It wasn't a lie for me. I fell in love with you, and my intentions were just to keep you to myself. I didn't intend on hurting you. I can see why you would think that way and that's on me. But please just know I was at least sincere in our relationship, I meant all of the things I said" he looks at me earnestly. His green eyes boring into mine.

"I just went along with what they were saying because if I had of protested and told them to shut up at the time I thought it would cause a bigger problem. Jen would have realised I was into you. So would Ross and he probably would have reacted to that. I also felt totally lost in the fact that you might just choose him, and not me and I was a dick about it" he admits.

"Why did you think I would just choose him?" I ask. I've got to be all business about this. I need the answers. I've thought about this moment for the past couple of weeks, ascertaining what I needed to know in order to reach my decision.

"He was the right choice okay ? For so many reasons. Plus you already liked him, he's honourable and good. You spent your whole night with him and I thought that I'd intruded on you not the other way around" he tells me, his eyes watching me carefully.
"I couldn't stand to see you with him. Not because he's a bad person. But because he's so good and I knew he would keep you. I've never been jealous. I've never had to get the girl. I have never looked at a girl sitting with one of my mates and been bothered by her being with them and not me" he says eyes searching mine.

I look down and grab a spoonful of the pasta and put it on the plate he's put out for me. He clearly remembers that I love pasta. He asks if I want a drink too, I agree and he pours me some coke.
He's even prepped a salad, which actually looks really nice not that I'm shocked he's pretty good at most things.

"When you took me out for the first time were you going to leave me as in break things off. When we went to the pub" I ask. It just seems weird to me that he took me out on such a sincere date after saying all of that crap. I want to know if he was actually aiming to tell me then and then break up with me. At the time I just ended up clinging onto and looking for the positives. I went into this not asking questions and I intend on making up for it.

He looks shocked.
"No Taylor. I never wanted to leave you at any point. That was the problem. I didn't want you to leave me either so I didn't tell you" he explains. I notice he extends his hand to me on the table. I'm not ready to touch him so I just leave it there.

"At Ross' afterwards what were you doing when you left me with him" I have to know everything, we're eating now. And it's slightly less awkward now we are not staring at each other. I briefly smile feeling like a detective questioning a suspect.

"My mum called me Tay. She was asking to meet you, of course I said yes. Jen heard my conversation she thought I was playing games. I told her to fuck off. She told me she would tell you if I wasn't nice to her. I told her to just forget it and focus on her own shit. She wouldn't leave it be. So I just told her the truth. I wanted to see how things could go between us and I told her that I genuinely liked you. She hated that. She got pissy and started telling me I was a dickhead which to be fair isn't entirely untrue to be fair. Ryan came along and broke it up telling her to leave the whole thing alone. He likes you too by the way" he says.
"He's texted me I don't know how many times about you and the outcome of.." he stops talking.

"About whether we are together. Anyways I came back into Ross' dumb party and I realised that Ross had been trying it with you and I just wanted out of there. I mean wouldn't you babe if you came in and Rhea was trying it with me hands all over me. Like I know she wouldn't do that to you. But that's all I could think is that he's been touching you and talking to you and I've been fighting and dealing with shit" he says.

"After that we didn't see them not because I wanted to play games with you. But I didn't want to be around that shit anymore. Maybe I'm selfish but I didn't want to give Ross more chances to show you how nice and charming he is" he looks up at me.

"I mean deep down can you blame me for not wanting you around him? Every time I so much as looked away he was there. And I had to stop myself from thinking of him touching you. Not because I wanted to win some stupid game but because it made me so angry. I felt like I couldn't say anything because he would just out me and tell you." He finishes. He pushes his sleeves up. Exposing his arms, the ones that used hold me tight in the night.

"I get that, I wouldn't like my friends being all over you. I knew I was missing something. Because had it of been me I would have said something to Rhea, and I wondered why you didn't say anything" I say.

"So when Ross called that night? He was telling you to tell me ?" I ask.

"He was but he just was looking out for you. He told me that it would be better to come clean. He realised we were together. He was actually looking out for me too, come to think of it. I just didn't see it that way. He wanted what was best as he always does" he tells me.

We go quiet for a minute. He watches me. He glances at my hand for my ring, which is currently zipped up in my purse. I'm not wearing it. I haven't since.

"Did Jay know?" I ask and he looks at me perplexed. Like I just threw a curve ball to him.

"I don't know, he wasn't there that night. He must have asked Jen though where I was when he hadn't seen me at anybodies house. I just figured he found out from her. Then he came to scope me out when he wanted to smoke. Why do you ask?" He asks surprised.

"Something he said at the party." I say

"Can I ask what he said to you " he asks me. He's being so mature and respectful.

"Firstly, just to be clear I have not spoken to him since. He got my number from somebody. And has messaged me which I ignored. He asked me at the party what it would take to get a girl like me, whatever that means. I told him I already have all that I could ever want and that I wasn't available. He laughed and said I don't have everything with you, like I think I do. I was a little confused at the time but I think he meant that I didn't know everything about you. Then he just came onto me" I tell him, see I can be honest.