this love is good, this love is bad [wenclair]

chapter 22.2: happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time

September

"That was so cute!" Yoko exclaimed. "Was it, though? They did it to avoid-"
"But then, how did you end up splitting?" Yoko asked, completely ignoring Alice's remark.
"One thing at a time," Enid said. "You already know too much."
"And so do you," I said, pointing to Alice.
She chuckled.
After Alice put Cascina to bed as if she were a little kid, we ended up on the balcony of my room. I was leaning with my elbows against the stone railing, while Enid was sitting on it 5 feet further. Alice was sitting on the ground, her back against the railing. And Yoko, she had been walking around the whole time. Alcohol worked funny on her. If someone said that she had drunk energy drinks instead of whisky, anyone would've believed them.
It was such a summer night: the air was warm and humid, and Alice's hair was visibly curling up even more.
I had to admit that all the girl talk was nice. Enid and I had told them everything, and I think we both realized we really needed to talk about it, just to get it out. Because I hadn't told anybody, not even Mother when she spoke to me about it. For over a month, I was persuaded that Enid had told everything to Yoko, but she hadn't, given how Yoko acted genuinely surprised at every detail we added to the story. So neither she, nor I had had the chance to exteriorize how it had been for us. The occasional sip of whisky worked therapeutically as well.
But our versions of the story were very different, so when I told my version of the cinema fight, she got mad, and then I got mad, and we hadn't directly spoken to or looked at each other since. But even though the air between Enid and me was electric -and not in a good way- the night had a nice ambiance.
"Let's talk about something else," Enid said.
"Oh yeah, great idea! Oh wait, we have no life, so no material to talk about. So that's why you should tell us why you split up in the end," Yoko blurted out.
"Hey! Talk for yourself, I have a life," Alice protested.
"Really? Do you?"
Yoko was the annoying yet fun kind of drunk.
"Actually, yes, I got my driving license this summer."
"Girl! And you didn't tell us?!" Enid yelled.
"I don't want to be you guys' personal taxi driver."
"Oh, but you will be," Yoko said.
"Yup."
"I can't disagree on that," I said. "It was about time we got a better driver than Tyler."
"Yeah, he really is the kind who needs a 'normalize hitting the curb' bumper sticker," Enid laughed.
That joke was only meant for the others. Everything about her body language was to make me feel not included. She was open to the others and eventually glanced down at Alice, or locked eyes with Yoko, but it was like there was an invisible wall between us.
"So what do you guys think about Tyler?"
"He's got a car and is kinda fine- OUCH"
Enid instantly slapped Yoko, who was near enough, on the back of the head.
"Don't say that! He fucking tried to kill me!"
"Yeah, like he didn't try to kill me," I said.
"Girls, it's not a competition, he helped that psycho try to kill us all, you're not special. And it OBVIOUSLY was a JOKE. And that hurt," Yoko said, rubbing her head with her hand.
"So what do you think? Because I don't feel comfortable having him around," Alice said, putting the focus back on the subject.
"Ow yeah, that's right, I forgot that he was in your class," Enid said.
"Yes, and evil master or no master, I couldn't trust him even if I wanted to. It's like something in me constantly tells me to run away."
"Same here," I said. "The thing is, we know that now he's himself and has full control -or at least as much control as a male adolescent can have- over his body and mind. But you can't know what he did and what Thornhill commanded him to do before, if that makes any sense."
They all nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, like was he conscious at times or-"
"ANYWAY, back to the important stuff we ACTUALLY need to discuss: how was it?"
"Yoko, don't," Alice simply said. "That's personal stuff."
"Then, Enid, I dare you to-"
"Girl, we stopped playing like an hour ago!"
"I just dare you, no game, just a challenge: TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT."
"Nope," Enid denied again.
"Okay then, Wednesday?"
Yoko turned to me.
"You wouldn't refuse a challenge, right? I dare you to tell me how it was."
I wasn't going to miss that opportunity to hit back at Enid.
"Well, Yoko, I'm dying to enlighten you on the subject, but you really should ask Enid. After all, she experienced most of the action."
Yoko turned back to Enid, mouth wide open. She gave me an -honestly- scary killer look.
"I would've experienced more if Wednesday hadn't had a tongue cramp," she said back.
"Maybe if  I didn't have to go for a third round in a row, I would've been just fine," I replied in a monotone voice.
"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE A PILLOW PRINCESS!" Yoko exclaimed, hardly breathing because she was laughing so much.
Alice was just following the conversation in silence, but she did let a giggle escape. Enid tried to hit back.
"You kept your socks on during the whole thing."
"Oh my god, Enid, don't expose her like that!" Yoko laughed.
At that point, Enid's cheeks were burning red. So I added to it.
"That's socially acceptable, un-"
"Period," Yoko intervened.
I fought the thought of decapitating her right there and then for interrupting me, and continued.
"... unlike you sleeping right after it."
"Wednesday, how dare you-"
"The night would've lasted longer if you didn't fall asleep five minutes after we had to stop."
Alice looked up at Enid.
"So cis het boy of you," she said in a falsely disappointed voice.
Enid hopped off the railing and came closer to me.
"I went through a hell lot of emotions that night," she said, only speaking to me. "And you know that."
Her voice broke during the last part of her sentence. Something Alice immediately picked up. She stood up and put a hand on Enid's shoulder.
"Hey hey, it's okay," Alice said in a soothing voice.
Yoko was quiet for the first time that night, and so was I. Alice embraced Enid, and not so long later she was crying into the other girl's shoulder. Yoko and I looked at each other.
"Fuck," she mumbled, and she walked over to Enid.
I just stood there, still five feet away from her, while both Yoko and Alice were stroking her back and whispering apologetic, kind words to her. I felt bad. No, I felt sick in my stomach.
I caused that. Enid was crying because of me. Again. She was crying, and I wasn't even comforting her. She wasn't in my arms, she was in Alice's. I made her cry, and I wasn't even able to make it any better. It felt like that one July night; I couldn't move, I couldn't say anything; I froze. She was crying because of me. Because of what I said, because of how I was. Yoko and Alice were trapping her in a tight hug, giving her something I could never provide her. Warmth. I made her cry. I hurt her. I never wanted her to get hurt. I didn't want to see her cry. I hurt her.
I hurt her.