this love is good, this love is bad [wenclair]

chapter 26:...couldn't put me together again

⚠️TW: self-harm, SA⚠️

Third week of October, Thursday

"What the fuck is that, Enid?!" Ajax shouted. "I told you to stop! Why'd you do it again!?"
I couldn't form a proper sentence in my head; I couldn't answer; I couldn't even breathe.
I hated when people yelled at me.
"Stop... stop screaming ... please."

The night had started off great. Yoko and I made an arrangement: she would have Divina over while I was at Ajax's. So I snuck into his room like planned, and everything was good. We watched some TV, talked a bit, and I had to do some homework so I did that. We then went back to watching a movie in his bed.
I was sitting cross-legged on the edge of his bed with his PC on my lap and opened Netflix.
"What do you want to—"
He closed the laptop and put it aside.
"Not using this, I guess," I commented.
"Nope," he said, before bumping his lips against mine.
Ajax pushed me back, topping me.

Really? Now? Like right now?

I knew he had vaped right before I got there by the bad candy apple taste on his lips. I tried to relax and compose myself, putting a hand on his back. I felt his hand travel from the side of my thigh to my waist, while he kept on kissing me the same way. I wasn't enjoying this but wanted to keep on for him. Then I felt his hand in the elastic of my sweatpants. I clicked the lamp on his nightstand off right as he was removing them.

Please don't let him notice.

Again, his hand was on the side of my thigh, then further up, then on the front.
"Are you okay? You're all-"
"I'm fine!"
"You're all tense..."
"I'm fine."
"So can I...?"
"Yes."
He went on. After some time, his hand finally sank down to my neck. I still wasn't doing anything and still trying to relax. And right when I started to, his hand was on my inner left thigh, caressing it. He stopped.

Fuck.

He clicked the lights back on and went over my scars with his finger again. I flexed my thigh when he did so, because some were still painful.
"What the hell, Enid!?"

~~~

"You're okay, shh."
Alice went through my hair with her fingers.
"You're okay."
I hugged her more tightly.
After fighting with Ajax, I took my stuff and ran to Alice and Cascina's room in tears.
We were sitting on the ground, against her bed.
She kissed me on the head, but I just couldn't stop crying.
"I'm back!" Cascina exclaimed, putting a paper bag on the table next to us on Alice's bed.
Alice had sent her off to grab snacks for us as soon as I was done explaining the situation to them.
"Thank you," I mumbled.
We sat there in silence for a long time.
"You'll have to tell us at some point," Alice spoke, going through my hair again with her hand. "We won't react like Ajax, but you know we can't just watch you do this to yourself without knowing why."
I nodded.
"You know what?" Cascina started, her hand already on the door hinge. "I'm getting Yoko; she knows how to make you ta—"
"DON'T!" I exclaimed. "She's with Divina, leave her alone."
"You know who always knows what to do? Wednesday!"
In a split second I got out of Alice's arms, ran to the door, and blocked it before Cascina could even think about opening it.
"Do not."
"Why not? You guys still haven't talked?" Cass asked.
"We have. But..."
I just didn't end my sentence.
"But what? What is there that you still have to discuss?"
"Nothing really," I said, still leaning against the door.
I wasn't convinced myself.
"There can't be nothing if you're reacting like this," Alice stated.
Silence.
"Nothing."
"Come on, say something!"
"I didn't think it would've ended like this."
"None of us did. And...?" Cascina asked.
"And I'm not happy with the situation right now."
"Oh my, we actually got you to word out your feelings! Now explain," Cascina said.
"I... I still want us to be friends."
Another silence.
"Uh-uh, there's no such thing in a relationship like you had," Cascina finally said. "Usually, there's no friends to lovers to friends."
I knew being friends with her again was a lot to ask for. And she wouldn't grant it to me. Not after what I did.
I guess Alice saw I got uncomfortable because she broke the silence again.
"How did we end up talking about Wednesday anyway?"
"Yeah, we were talking about Ajax first," Cass said, walking over to the bed, taking my prior spot next to Alice. "But so... will you and him still be 'dating' after this?"
Her version of the question 'Are you going to dump him?'.
"I have no idea," I answered. "He's told me multiple times to stop before and he-"
"Just when I thought Mr. Clean couldn't get any stupider—"
Alice punched Cass in the shoulder. Hard.
"Don't call him that, you can't make fun of people for their names!"
"Okay, chill out, but bro has got to understand Enid. She can't just stop like that, and he should know that. It's not because he asked that it's gonna stop."
Alice didn't have anything to say.
"And he yelled at her?? Fucking dump him, Enid."
I looked at Alice, because she always had the best advice.
She sighed. "You know how I usually feel about Cass' take on things, but she isn't wrong. He may have asked you to stop, but did he actually even try to help you?"
I didn't say anything.
"I guess we have an answer."
I sighed.
"Okay, you guys," Cass started, "I have to get going. I'm already late."
She got up. And looking at her now, she was all dressed up and even had makeup on.
"Oh my, who's the lucky one?" I asked, wiping away some tears with the sleeve of my sweater.
"She won't tell," Alice scoffed. "You know damn well that we'll figure out who it is... eventually."
"Me and him, we're still in the talking stage. So no. I'll let you know when it gets serious," Cass said, grabbing her purse.
"Cascina, give us a hint of who he is at least!" I begged.
"Okay."
She checked if everything was in her bag and then headed to the one window in the room.
"Come on, dude, spit it out!"
"He's a senior."
"That does not help us, Cass!" Alice whined.
"At least it's not some old man. She's been listening to Lana Del Rey a hell lot recently so—"
"Fuck you, Enid."
Cascina climbed out the window.
"Does he even go to Nevermore for you to have to sneak out?!" Alice shouted, leaning outside the window.
"Maybe!"
"I'm gonna pull my witch shit to find out!"
"Keep talking, A. But I'm late, and we both know your lil sis got the magic genes and not you!"
"Get fucked, Cass!" Alice replied, getting her head back inside.
"Love you too, bro," could be heard from outside. Right before Alice closed the window.
I couldn't help but say: "A bit chilly, innit?"
She was quicker than lightning to throw a pillow at me. I sank to my knees against the door, laughing.
"So that's it! That's what it takes to get a smile out of you; making fun of people's accents!" she laughed as she came to sit next to me on the ground.
"It's the nerves, the stress, I guess."
The laughter faded.
"What are you stressing for?"
Alice tried to look me in the eyes.
"Tell me, please."
"I really don't want to talk I—"
"Enid, ugh, I don't want to start like that," she sighed. "Please, please, what is it you're so stressed about?"
"Right now, I don't wanna lose Ajax, okay? Not him too. That's it for now."
"Girl, you guys breaking up is the best thing that—"
"IT'S NOT!"
"Calm down. Please."
"It's not."
"Okay, why isn't it?"
"'Why innit?'," I laughed, feeling a tear roll down my cheek.
She pushed me lightly with her shoulder.
"Sorry, it's the nerves."
We both sighed.
"Please, say something."
Silence.
"Speak no-Ow," she added, smiling.
"I can't break up with Ajax."
I finally looked Alice in the eyes.
"Why not?"
My eyes started watering again.
"Why not?" she whispered again.
"Because, this is going to sound really pathetic, because it's..."
She gave me an encouraging smile.
"Because if I break up with him, then all I've given up for him goes to waste."
She was still looking at me.
"Because if I break up with him, I ended things with Wednesday for nothing."