this love is good, this love is bad [wenclair]

chapter 22.3: right where you left me

TW: allusion to self-harm

🌈happy pride month y'all 🦅✨💅

September

Enid was sitting on her knees in front of the toilet, her head practically in the bowl, as I held her hair back. We were the only two ones in my bathroom since Alice had gone off to her room, and Yoko... she was probably still outside.
Enid didn't handle the beer and whisky mix that well and threw up every single thing she ate that day, including that horrendous pizza from earlier.
Nothing had come out of her stomach for some time now, so she sat up straight.
She'd cut her hair since the last time I had seen her. It was much shorter, almost all of its colored tips were cut off, and she hadn't re-dyed it.
She wiped her mouth with her sweatshirt sleeve, got up, and flushed the toilet. But when she saw in the mirror that there was vomit all over her sweatshirt, she decided to take it off. Then she went over to the sink and washed her hands.
At that very moment, I hated myself so much. Not only did my own behavior from earlier made me want to throw up, but now I could see more. Enid had lost weight, like a lot of weight. And now that she was only wearing a T-shirt, I could see that she was wearing all those bracelets again, and some bandage peaked under them.
"Don't look at me like that, please," she said.
Nothing in this world could convince me that all of that wasn't at least partly my fault.
Alice came back from changing (Enid had thrown up on her clothing as well). That girl always had perfect timing.
"Are you okay?" Alice asked her.
"Yup."
I really wanted to leave, but I couldn't do anything about it because since we were already in my bathroom, I couldn't go back to my room and be at peace without them.
"I'm gonna go collect Yoko on the balcony and head back to my room," Alice stated. "'Night, girls."
"Good night."
She left and closed the door. Leaving Enid and I alone in an awkward silence, again. She grabbed her sweatshirt from the floor and was about to leave.
"Uh, I think I'm gonna go too," she said, a foot already outside.
I closed my eyes.
"Stay, please, wait."

I'm going to hate myself for this later.

"Can we talk?"
She pursed her lips.
"We do need to talk," she laughed uncomfortably, "but does it have to be now though?"
"Then when?" I said. "I barely saw you this week and-"
"You're right. So... what'd you wanna talk about?"
"Are you being serious?"
"I mean specifically," she added.
"We have a lot of unsaid stuff."
"Yeah, we do," she sighed, closing the bathroom door again.
It was very silent in there unlike on the balcony, there were no ambient noises, and our voices resonated loudly in the bathroom when we spoke.
"I guess I'll start," she said with shifty eyes. "Uh, I'm sorry for starting to unpack our... intimate moment earlier."
I crossed my arms.
"So am I."
"And about it, uhm, I want to apologize for it happening at all. You did ask me clearly to choose, and I still... you know."
I was glad she brought it up so I didn't have to.
"We shouldn't have done it, neither of us were in the right headspace," I stated.
"But, uhm, the act itself, it wasn't as bad as you depicted, right?"
She leaned against the door and looked away again.
"Oh no, the sex was great," I reassured her.
"Nice," she said uncomfortably. "I thought it was good too."
The silence was incredibly loud.
"Anyway, about, well, you know," she broke the silence.
"Actually, I don't."
"Point is," she started again, "I should've said no since the beginning. I knew from the beginning that it wouldn't end... nicely for anyone. I'm sorry, we never should've happened, at all."
"Enid, what? You can't say stuff like that."
"But I mean it; I had a boyfriend, and you knew it, but it was my responsibility to stay true to him. It -we- never should've happened," she repeated.
"Wait, wait, wait. So you got mad at me for not acknowledging that we were dating, and now you're saying that? Let's not forget that that's how the whole fight started."
"No, I'm not saying we never happened; I'm saying that we never should have happened. And that is a 100% on me because I didn't have the balls to-"
"Never happened, never should've happened: wow, big difference," I scoffed, putting the toilet lid down and sitting down on it.
"And about the fight, the biggest problem was your attitude that day."
"I already apologized for that."
"It's not because you apologize that everything's all good again, Wednesday."
"At least I apologized for what I did."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You didn't apologize for anything," I said.
"Wednesday, that's simply not true. I apologized for having to leave and-"
"You were going to leave without telling me the truth, Enid."
"That's not true."
"You were going to make up a story..."
"That's not true."
"... about your mother wanting you back home, and you were going to leave. Without apologizing, of course, because I wouldn't know anything."
She stayed silent.
"Visions can be pretty precise and handy... or not, depends on who," I said.
"Wednesday, I swear that I was going to tell you. The thought did go through my mind at some point, but I wasn't going to actually do it. I swear. I promise; I was going to tell you."
"I don't really trust you anymore, Enid."
"I can't undo what I did, Wednesday. I simply can't, but I am deeply sorry for that."
"No, you're not."
"Wednesday, stop. I really am. How can you not believe I am? I'm really sorry, and I get that you've got your guard up, but I swear: I'm really sorry. How can you-"
"Because you didn't lose anything, Enid. You have your-"
"Just stop. Didn't lose anything? Wednesday, I-"
"You have your social status that has stayed unchanged; you have your friends, your boyfriend, your reputation. I don't have any of that. The only person I have here is Eugene, and I'm kind of getting tired of talking about bees."
"Maybe, but I lost you, Wednesday. You're my best friend."
"Were."
"Don't say shit like that,-"
"If we're still best friends, why'd you switch rooms? Why do you avoid me in the hallways? Why-"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
She took her face in her hands and sat down against the door on the floor.
"I guess it's easier," she finally said. "I don't want to lose you, Wednesday."
"You think I want to lose you?" I asked because that's what transpired from her tone.
"Sometimes, you make me feel like you do," she murmured.
"Enid, you were the reason I didn't run away last year. You meant everything to me. You were my best friend. You were the reason I woke up, feeling like this place wasn't that crappy in the end. The worst part is that you still are, and I can't do anything about it."
"I'm so sorry."
"That's literally the one thing you don't have to be sorry about, but okay, I'll take it-"
"No, I mean that I'm sorry about everything. Even though I don't know exactly about what, but it's fine."
"Wait, so you don't know what?"
"No, not really..."
"How does that count as an apology?"
"Wednesday, I'm sorry."
"That's not-"
"Ugh, just tell me what I'm supposed to apologize for," she said.
"That's not how it works. How can we build healthy foundations if you can't learn from your-"
"Just say it already, Wednesday! Right now the alcohol is still messing with-"
"That's not how it works, Enid. Do you really not have any idea about what I could be mad about?"
"Wednesday, I genuinely don't know!"
"So you think you're so perfect, huh?"
"Don't put words into my mouth like that. I never said that," she stated, getting up and collecting her sweater once again.
"Oh so now you're leaving?"
"Yes, I am. If you're not capable of having a conversation-"
"You didn't even want to talk in the first place!"
"Yeah, but I can't have a normal conversation with you without it turning like this," she said, gesturing to the whole room.
"Oh my- Enid, you know what? Leave, just leave."
"I don't need your permission for that, you know."
"Wow, so grown-up of you."
She really was about to leave. I didn't want her to leave. I didn't want her to go away again.
"You know what one of the things is?"
She looked back at me.
"The fact that what we had destroyed me."
For the first time, I felt like she was actually listening to me.
"After it ended, you got back to your normal life, Ajax, your friends, your family," I started explaining   "Nothing changed for you. I was alone, with my family constantly questioning me. 'Where is Enid?' 'Tell her to say hi to her parents.' You know that they asked me how you were doing when I called them yesterday? And I had to make something up, because we haven't spoken in weeks."
I had to take a break to avoid a voice crack.
"This summer, for the first time in my life, I didn't want to be alone. Yet I ended up waking up alone and going to bed alone. It's the same here, and it doesn't feel good. Your side of the room is empty, and it feels like the whole room is empty. You had your security net if we didn't work out, but I had -I have- nothing. You're in Yoko's room now, I'm still in ours, except you're not there, and actually no one's there."Silence.
"I'm sorry."
"Damn, even Thing spends most of his time with you. Do you realize I wake up alone, roam the hallways alone, eat lunch alone? Except when Eugene joins me, of course, but little dude miraculously got friends of his own now. I do everything alone."
I sighed.
"I used to enjoy that."
She had tears in her eyes.
"I think you broke me, Enid."
She pushed on the door handle and pulled it toward her. Only for Yoko, who was apparently listening all along, to fall inside the room. Enid climbed over her and ran off to her room, leaving me once again.
"Not gonna lie, you had me," Yoko said, slowly getting up.
"I told her not to eavesdrop," I hear Alice sigh from the room.
I came out of the bathroom and found her sitting on the bed on Enid's side.
"I didn't hear anything," Alice immediately said. "Well, perhaps, except for the yelling part."
I was fighting against my own tears. That happened way too often since Enid.
Alice got up and embraced me.
"Come here, it's okay."
Yoko joined, trapping me in the middle, and by the way she hugged me, I knew she had heard everything.
"It's okay."
"I will kill you if any of you tell someone about this," I warned.
"Yeah sure," Yoko chuckled.
I pinched her.
"OUCH"
Alice laughed softly.
"I mean it," I said.

I mean it.