killing time 𖥻 TOMMYINNIT

XXVII. testing the waters

it was the first day all week that it wasn't raining, and iris had honestly never been happier. tommy was sitting beside her on their bench, tommy playing with her shoelaces resting beside his thigh and iris scribbling in her notebook as usual. this time, instead of song lyrics or a poem for her class, she was drawing. she didn't draw very often, she wasn't very good, and she had no real intention of becoming really good.

her and tommy had less time to spend together now that she was back in school and had become an actual musician. tommy had never been prouder of her with everything she was doing. he was currently a college dropout, and he'd been working a lot on youtube stuff with other people, being in unofficial meetings multiple times a week. that, combined with the fact that ranboo was still living in iris's house and the two of them were taking advantage of their free afternoon.

there were twelve days until her debut single came out, which was an insane notion for both of them to process. she didn't want to be presumptious, but there were twelve days until her life could potentially be changed forever. iris was sketching rough flowers based off the ones she could see growing up where the bench dug down into the grass, humming a few seconds of a melody that had been bouncing around in her head as she did so.

tommy spoke up after a second. "why did you not play me any of the songs you're gonna put on the album?"

iris didn't even have to think about how to answer that one. "because it's a surprise."

"you showed james!"

"james helped me produce them!" she argued back. "if you'd rather i hadn't showed james then they wouldn't exist. how's that?"

tommy huffed, tugging petulantly on one of her shoelaces until it fully came undone. he then groaned, reaching over to tie her shoe for her again, a heavy doc marten boot that had been a staple in her wardrobe for a few months now. she was wearing a skirt, which he pretended not to notice. it had been a long time since he'd seen her not trying to drown in clothing that didn't let you see any of herself. it wasn't the act of iris showing skin that had tommy so content, it was more the fact that she was now comfortable enough to do it. "are any of them about me?"

iris sighed, closing her notebook. "no, tom. none of the songs on the album are about you- and before you complain," she pointed her pen at him and he closed his mouth. "that's a good thing. once you hear them, you're gonna be glad they're not about you."

he finished tying her shoe and leaned back. "have you ever written a song about me?"

she didn't know what it was about this park, but there was a reason it had always been a special place to both iris and tommy. it was where they went whenever they wanted to spend actual time together, but lately it had been tainted by iris's anxiety in public. the last time they had been there was about three months ago and it had been a lot darker.

they were sitting there, on their bench as usual, this time tommy's pinky brushing iris's. they were sharing headphones, a blended playlist that they had created one night at four in the morning, a song that neither of them knew playing softly through tommy's phone. iris was telling a story about her and the drummer from james's band, who had been helping her out with a drum line in a few of her songs, when he'd spoken up.

"i think you might be the most important person in my entire life." he said softly. inhaling, he finally gathered up the courage to grab iris's hand. they had held hands plenty of times before, but it felt different now.

iris's hand stilled in his. "you're mine," she answered honestly. she leaned back and looked over at him, his eyes bright and blue and looking directly into hers. "my favourite person, i mean."

"i am yours," tommy said. it was weighted, but neither of them acknowledged it. "you know that right? like, i'm not just- sorta just saying that, i mean it. i love you, you're my best friend, and i would do any fucking thing for you."

"tommy," she spoke up, heart almost physically aching with sweet he was being. "i love you too,"

tommy's eyes stayed firmly on her eyes the entire time leading up to that, but at her reply they flitted down for a second. his hand in hers, he could feel his pulse in his throat. he'd gotten close enough to her that he could feel her breath on his face. and then she pulled away, and he'd ruined it.

"i don't want to fuck this up," she saw the look on tom's face when she pulled back and rushed to fix it. "like, it's not that i don't- i feel- we are, you know. but," her voice got shaky and tommy immediately felt bad for any hurt feelings he'd had in the last five seconds. "i feel..." she struggled to find the words. she loved tommy, she really did. but this was too important to her to not bring it up. "i- god, why can't i just? i still take hour long showers sometimes. it's like, it's like i can feel hands on me. and yeah, jack was an asshole, and," she gulped. "i hate him, sometimes. he never forced me into doing anything- we didn't do anything, not that it's your- i'm sorry." tommy whispered a reassurance to her, knowing she absolutely despised being so open and honest about things that upset her. "but he was just always touching me, and now sometimes when i close my eyes to go to sleep, i can feel his stupid fucking arms around me and it makes me want to peel my skin off." her eyes were shiny and tommy wanted to pull her into him, if not for the obvious reasons not to. "you've never ever done anything to make me feel like that, but i'm just... i'm worried that if this happens too soon after that, that i'll confuse the two things and-"

"i just said i would do any fucking thing for you," tommy reassured her. "i love you. and if that's what you need then of course you can have that. i don't love you because i get something out of it, i love you because you are my favourite person on earth. if you want me to back off, then that's what i'll do."

and he did, for the next three months, they'd remained the same, minus a bit of physical touching that they would've considered normal before that conversation. this time, though, as iris put her notebook down in her bag and started explaining some of the songs that were about him, she grasped his hand. he squeezed it hesitantly. she squeezed back harder.

— AUTHOR'S NOTE
we're getting places!!! yipee!!