Toxic | Leila & Christian

Chapter 11: Crazy In Love

April 3, 2011

Leila's Pov;

Master is asleep in his bed. He looks so peaceful. He never looks that way when he's awake. He's always so troubled and unhappy, but during sleep that all fades away. The anger and resentment in his face disappears into a restful expression. The moonlight coming through the window shines on his face just enough so that I can see him. He looks young and small, less intimidating. He looks vulnerable. I stare at him, wanting nothing more than to be asleep in the bed with him, in his warm embrace. But I know that's not what he would want. Master does not allow anyone to sleep in his bed with him, not ever. He doesn't want to risk being vulnerable. He can't bear being touched, even in sleep. He is beautiful. I could stare at his god-like face endlessly. I know I should be asleep as well, in my own bed,in my own room, but this is the only time I can spend with him where I don't have to hide my emotions. He would make me leave if he knew how much I care for him. He'd make me leave if he knew I wanted more. If he knew I had fallen in love with him. He doesn't want anyone, especially not someone like me to love him. He's afraid of being loved. It's foreign to him. He believes he's not capable reciprocating the feeling, but I know better. It's obvious his self doubt is what clouds his feelings, not lack of emotional capacity. He cares for me. I can tell that he does even though he acts like I'm nothing but a sexual object to him. Sometimes when his guard slips down I can see how much he feels for me. He is happy with me, at least sometimes. I've seen the proof. He smiles with me, he laughs, he cares. He has fun with me. He likes to play with me. He likes when I step out of line and cause trouble. He likes to punish me. He likes to see me in pain. He likes to hurt me. He can be so cold and ruthless when he wants to be. Master is dark. Master is dark and I love him anyway. He cries out in his sleep. It's a bone-chilling sound. He twists and his face changes into a terrified expression. He's having a nightmare. He does almost every night. I want to be able to comfort him, every night I hear him and see him and I want to help, but I can't. I am helpless. He is too. I know I have to run before he wakes and sees me. If he catches me watching him sleep he'll terminate our contract immediately. I silently approach him, and reach my hand out to cup his face. I gently stroke his cheek, the gesture makes his face relax just slightly. I bend down and kiss his forehead so lightly I know he won't even feel it. Then like a ghost I am gone before he can wake.

Instead of going to my room like I should, I go into Master's study. I carefully and quietly close the study door behind myself. I know being in here now is risky. Master struggles to sleep again once he's been woken by his nightmares. I kneel down on the floor by his safe and enter the password. I saw him open it once and memorized it. I knew it'd be useful to me to know the combination. Inside I see a medium sized box and I take it out, curious to see what's inside. There's photographs inside. Photographs of women, his other submissive's. They're in various poses, all naked, all in his playroom. They're lovely. I look through the stack twice, running my fingers over each image. The women before me all look like me, but don't. It's strange to see how little differences they all have. Master wants us all to look the same, this is what he likes. I pause on a picture of a woman standing, head down, face impassive. She's pretty and much taller than me. Her legs are long and slender and perfect. I've always wanted to look that way, to be so perfectly proportioned. I've always felt that my short legs make my body look stumpy and weird. I turn the picture of her over and sift through the pile once more. There are no photographs of me, I don't know why. The absence of them puzzles me.I know he's taken them, he likes to take pictures of all of us. Perhaps he's put them somewhere else. I'll have to remember to look for them when I get the chance, perhaps they're in his bedroom somewhere hidden. I place all the pictures carefully back into the box just as I found them and tuck them away in the safe. I know Master loves to look at them. He'd know if I moved them. I have to be extra careful when I touch his things. I can't let him find out how much I've discovered about him.

In my bedroom there's a tiny black box hidden underneath the bed. It's locked, but I have the key. I unlock the box and open it up, silver glimmers inside and I smile to myself. It took me a long time to get it and a lot of work to keep it a secret, but I managed to obtain it without drawing attention to myself. I hold the small revolver in my hands as I stand before my mirror. The gun is shiny and cold. I look into my own eyes in the mirror, examining my own reflection. I look sad even to me. I look dead almost. Like a ghost version of the woman I used to be. I hate myself. I feel lost and empty. Numb even. I feel alone. I give my reflection one last glance. I hate the person in the mirror, but I can't change her. Master wants me like this. I toy with the fully loaded gun in my hands. Then I put it back away.