Toxic | Leila & Christian

Chapter 20: Epilogue

Christian's Pov;

On my third visit with Flynn since cutting all ties with Leila, I finally worked up the strength to ask him if the painting in his waiting room was done by her. It was, of course, I'd recognize her anywhere, even through her art. He told me that she painted it for him as thanks for all his help. He updates me on her frequently now. She's mentally more stable than ever. She no longer begs him to convince me to visit her as she did up until her last day in the facility she was staying in. Now she only mentions me when she wants to pass on her thanks for my support in her growing art career. She's taking advanced classes at a local university and she's selling pieces she makes in her free time. I'm pleased to know how well she's doing without me. It's exactly the kind of future I wanted for her. She's moved on and I couldn't be happier for her. But I'm not happy myself. I can't be, not until I move on with my life too.

When I get home from work I call my mother. We've been talking much more frequently than we usually would since I ended my relationship with Leila and surprisingly I don't mind the closeness. I still shy away from any serious conversations about my feelings, but for the first time, I'm actually trying to open up to someone other than Flynn. She picks up after the second ring and greets me happily. She's always overjoyed to talk to me and I feel the same towards her even though I'm not as expressive about it. "Mom, I need to talk to you and not over the phone. Can you come here?" I ask, panic rising in my chest. She agrees to come over right away so we can talk. No questions asked.

She sits on the sofa with me now, neither of us sure who should speak first. I know it should be me. I asked her to come here. It was my decision to come clean about my past to her. Well, a combination of mine and Flynn's decision. I came to the conclusion on my own but he helped me along the way. I have to accept my past If I want to move on to a better future and part of accepting it is to be honest with the only woman I'm certain will always love me unconditionally. "You remember your friend Elena. I did some work for her when I was younger." I start with a deep breath, ready to narrate the most deeply hidden secret of my life to the woman that raised me. "Yes." She looks at me with confusion clear on her face. "When I was fifteen, when I came to her home to do yard work for her, she kissed me. I kept coming back after, over and over again. She was the only person I felt understood me. I would lie and tell you I was going somewhere else with someone my own age, but I was with her. That kiss had lead to more. We had a sexual relationship that lasted a few years. She initiated all of it, but I didn't stop her. I didn't want to stop her. I thought what we did was all I could ever be worthy of. I know now how wrong what we did was, what she did was. She knew I couldn't bear any affection, that it repulsed me, but that didn't stop her from giving me the exact opposite of the affection I've always needed. She punished me physically often, for me it was the only discipline that truly worked, for her it was a sexual thing. She introduced me to BDSM. I thought she was helping me, but she hurt me a lot more than she helped me. I realize that now after what happened with Leila." I feel anxiety in my chest stinging from my confession as I finally look up into my mother's eyes. "Elena abused you. When you were fifteen. She molested you. She raped you." My mom mutters, looking more upset than I've ever seen her before. "Yes. I didn't see it that way at the time, but yes. That's what happened." I whisper, not breaking eye contact with my mom. I run my fingers through my hair, wishing she would just say something, anything, to break the silence. "I'm sorry." I say, noticing the tears that have started to form in her eyes. "You're sorry? Christian, you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who should be sorry for letting that vile woman anywhere near you." She says, her expression apologetic. "No, mom. Don't blame yourself for this. This isn't your fault." I quickly dismiss her apology. "Why are you telling me this now?" She asks, her voice cracked with emotion. "Because I needed to. I needed to tell you a long time ago, but I couldn't." I admit. "I think the reason that my relationship with Leila ended so badly was mainly because of me. Because I couldn't accept her love, because I believed I didn't deserve it. A big part of the reason I feel like I'm not capable of love is because of what Elena did to me. How she conditioned me to think and act. It was wrong." I feel a huge sense of relief now that I've told my mother everything. Flynn was right. It did help me to tell her. I'd been holding that pain inside for far too long. "Oh, Christian. You are deserving of love. You always have been." My mother reaches for me and I allow her to embrace me fully, chest and all.

From what I've seen of her Leila looks much healthier. She looks happy, glowing, and bright. Much like the girl she once was before I even met her. There's light in her eyes again and a smile to match. She's not broken, not at all, not anymore. Seeing her that way gives me hope for the future that after all I've done I can be better too. I no longer desire a new submissive. I don't want that kind of relationship at all anymore. I craved that kind of relationship for all the wrong reasons. I hurt Leila because of it, because I was hurting. I don't ever want to do that to another woman again. If that means I have to be alone then I'll be alone. My feelings for Leila and all my other submissives were tangled up with my feelings for my birth mother and tainted by my past with Elena. If I ever want to be with someone again I have to be able to move on from my past completely. I have to heal and I believe someday I will. I owe everything to Leila for that. She changed something inside me. She made me realize that I can be more. That I can grow and change and love just as much as any other person on this planet. I know without a doubt that she will find someone who will love her and that she'll move on and be happy without me and for once I'm able to believe that I will do the same.